5 Chapter 4



February 14, 2017

"Hindi ko inakalang pinsan mo si Prin." He was holding me with his hand as we made way to the dance hall.

"Really? Hindi mo alam na Kugimiya kaming dalawa?" Oo nga no? I squinched my face up with a silly smile.

"I heard you like to dance." We stopped at the middle of the hall, my gaze went around the hall and saw that many stopped and just watched me and Ryu. There is only me and Ryu and at least 3 pairs dancing in the hall.

Dance? In front of all these people?

My eyes went back him when I felt him place his hand on my waist and placed my hands around his shoulders. The classical jazz music shifted into a slow melody, as if they sensed that we were gonna dance. My grip on his shoulders tightened as I felt the anxiety creep up to me. He pulled my closer and nodded at me as if he was reassuring me. I nodded back at him and we started to get pulled by the sweet melody of the song.



As soon as we started to move, the music played while our bodies displayed through the dance. I was drawn to him, I am not ignorant of my feelings.

It felt as if I was lulled, suddenly feeling deceptively secure and confident.

"You dance, so gracefully" Hindi ko napigilang mapangiti sa kaniyang komento. He held my fingers and swirled me like a top. The rotation made me fall on his shoulder. He held me and we danced for eternity breaking the floor.

He pulled me tightly to him, pressed the full length of his body against mine. He moved with the music, moved me with him, sliding his body against mine, until the tempo increased and he spun me away from him, still holding my hand. We had no fire to dance, but we danced like we did.

The music stopped and I heard the applause of the people inside the hall. He removed his hand on my waist and offered his hand. I gladly accepted his hand and together we bowed our heads, we then walked away from the dance hall and people started joining and dancing their way to the hall.

He whisper-yelled a question in my ear. "Do you want to go outside?"

"Yeah," I nodded. My heart raced. What were we going to talk about?



"The stars are unexpectedly so bright tonight." We went out of the hall and decided to just watch the stars endlessly.

"Hindi ko alam na pwede palang malampasan ang kinang ng mga bituin. " Nilingon ko ito at nakitang nakatitig ito sa akin. Napalunok ako at nag-iwas ng tingin.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" My hands were on the rails and just played with my fingers by tapping them to the cold hard metal.

"Georgina, I don't like to beat around the bush" I shifted my gaze to him, he was now facing me. I let go of the rails and faced him. My heart is beating like crazy.

"I like you." My eyes widen at his sudden confession. His words felt like drugs, my heart rapidly beat, my body felt weak, my blood rushed to my head. I'm loss of words.

"I-It's only been a week since we met. H-How is that possible, I mean-"

"All I knew for sure was that right here and now, I am falling hard and could only pray that you are feeling the same way." You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think about what's happening. It's inevitable ma fille. An event you can't control.

A memory of my mom's words awakened me from my state.

"Ryu." Isn't that how falling in love so often works? Some stranger appears out of nowhere and becomes a fixed star in your universe.

"I-It's just too fast for me. The scary thing about falling for someone is you don't know whether they will stay or just leave at any given time." He went nearer and held my cold hands, suddenly it became warm as if it found its home. Hindi ko maitanggi sa aking sarili that I feel something for him. The excitement that I feel everytime he's near, the way my heart just wants to be near him.

"Once you tell someone you love them, you automatically give that person the right to hurt you, and yet you place a trust in them that they won't tear you apart. I will risk my heart Georgina. It's a wonderfully terrifying sensation." Napakagat ako sa aking labi, naguguluhan pa rin ako sa agaran na pag-amin nito.

"I can only be with the person whom I love.." Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things. "So m-make me fall for you" He understood my hesitations and kissed my hands in between his.

"Thank you, for trusting me."

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August 8, 2017



I stared at blade I was holding. It's beautiful. The tips of this blade, can end the pain. I laid down my tub, filled with the white roses that he used to give me... I can smell the scent of his favorite perfume that he used to shower me...how he used to give me the best love I could ever wish for.

I already felt dead in everything but name. What remained to be taken from me? I longed to be enfolded, welcomed, to breathe no more, love no more, hurt no more.

My eyes, are suddenly tired of crying. I'm tired, I want to stop the pain. I carefully cut the wrist, that he used to say were the most beautiful. I let my arm rest on the corner of the tub, I felt the darkness pulling me in. Suddenly, the pain stopped. So this is how it feels, to be free from the pain.

"Gee!" I was too tired to open my eyes, I can only see the only light in the darkness that enveloped me.

"Open you eyes huh... please." I am hearing her plead. But the light is to enchanting. He does not love me anymore, the reason I'm alive. I must go.

I opened my eyes when I felt being shaken.

"You Bitch! Bakit mo nagawa 'yon?!" Emerald. Why is she here... Where am I? I looked around and recognized the interior of a hospital.

"G-Gee, you're awake! Thank God!" Cee gave me a warm embrace. She was crying her eyes out. I moved my hand to hug her when I felt a sting. With my lazy eyes, I stared at my wrist, it was dressed by a bandage already. I felt the urging tears from the side of my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry." What have I done?

"How could you even think of ending your life?! Gee, it's not the end of the world! Wake up, parang awa mo na!" Emerald grabbed my left hand, the one I just cut. I flinched from the sting, it went through my flesh. Binawi ko ang kamay ko sa kaniya.

"Y-You don't understand. Wala kayong alam! Everytime I wake up, I find no will to breathe, he is the reason why I want to live. Ayoko nang magising sa mundong hindi niya ako m-mahal. I-I can't. Hindi ako kasing tapang ninyo." Napahilamos ako nang naramdaman ang pagdaloy ng mga bagong luha sa aking mata.

"Then find another reason to breathe! Dont be stuck in a love kung saan ikaw lang ang isang nagmamahal."

"I love him so much that nothing can matter to me! I don't care anymore. I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad... It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. But for me I woke up into a n-nightmare." I closed my eyes and turned my back at them.

"Remember what tita told you when she fought her cancer hmm?" Cee touched my shoulders. More tears came out when I thought there weren't any left.

"She was not alone... God was with her all throughout the battle. She gave herself to Him. Gee, let God heal you. Inflicting pain and ending your life isn't the answer he wants. "

"T-Then how can this pain end? I'm already torn and tired. Gusto ko ng magpahinga." The pain in my chest radiated to my whole body. When will it end?

"It will end when you'll choose to move on." Emerald almost whispered these words.

"Letting him go was sadness, but moving on is suicide itself Ee." He made me love him until he was the only light I can see in this life... my fixed star.

"Don't drown yourself in your stupidity, he is with someone else now! You saw them diba? Wake up from the memories of the past! The future is so bright! Don't cover yourself in darkness!"

"We are with you Gee. No matter how tough the battle will be, if everyone may have left your side, w-we will always be with you." Cee, your words are like a breath of fresh air.

They will be with me... but what about h-him? Doesn't he care about me? Was I just a passing shooting star for him?

"Once you tell someone you love them, you automatically give that person the right to hurt you, and yet you place a trust in them that they won't tear you apart. I will risk my heart Georgina. It's a wonderfully terrifying sensation." The memories of his promises echoed in my mind.

I fell deeper, I gave him the right to hurt me, I trusted him but he tore me apart. I was the one who risked my heart. Truly it's a terrifying experience. But I am willing to experience it again, so I can be with him.

"I want to sleep for a while. Can you leave me?" I asked them, still not facing them.

"O-Okay. But don't do it again Gee." Seconds passed when I heard the soft sound of the door closing.



Ma, I need you right now . Bakit mo ako nagawang iwanan ma?

Whenever you are feeling down ma fille. Close your eyes, bow your head and let Him enter your heart. He will knock and you shall open it for Him. Speak to Him with this... your hert and listen to Him, let him bring peace to you ma fille.

I closed my eyes and prayed.

G-God,I know I haven't been talking to you for awhile now. Sorry, that I forgot that you were there. How's my beautiful mother? Is she with my grandmother now? Can you tell her how much I love her? T-That I wish she was still here with me. T-that I missed her...

I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for taking the easy road. I am ashamed of myself for what I did. Let this mark be a symbol of You. Let this mark be my source of strength.



Can I ask for one more thing? C-Can I have Ryu, make him return to my side. I-I love him more than my own life. Bring back my reason to live... Bring him back to me