15 Unicorns and pancakes

As Robocop, I mean, Sergeant Murphy was getting his colleagues into position Jack was wandering the streets in boredom. He was feeling good about himself, so he smiled smugly. The world was his oyster Jack thought to himself. Oyster is food, and his stomach got reminded to rumble at the same moment he connected oysters and food.

He took his headphones out and went on youtube and started playing Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz but sadly his stomach was not feeling good.

He switched the app and music stopped since Google didn't like people listening to music in the background without paying for it. He sighed and looked for restaurants in the neighborhood when he got an idea. He started looking for »All you can eat« offers. It was too early and all he could find at 9 am in the morning was a pancake house that was relatively near.

Beggars aren't choosers, and even though it was 25$ for unlimited pancakes with syrup, he decided he will squeeze this quarter of a Benjamin for all it was worth.

He decided to walk there since it was a walking distance away near a gas station at a major intersection. As Jack started walking, he didn't realize he was using a tempo that would qualify him for the Olympics race walking event until Jack noticed people giving him weird looks as he passed them by. He slowed down as he already saw the building with a pink billboard on which stood Unicorn pancake house.

He didn't get what unicorns had in common with pancakes, but he really could not care less.

As he walked inside the sweet scent of vanilla and strawberry jam greeted him. He was salivating like a rabid dog by the time he came to the counter.

»Welcome to the Unicorn pancake house. How may I help you!« said a smiling minimum wage student worker with a rigid smile which was as fake as the butter substitute they used for making pancakes.

»Hi. I am here for the All you can eat unicorn pancake bonanza,« Jack said feeling utterly stupid saying such a sugary menu item.

»That will be 25$. Anything for drinking perhaps?« said the cashier still carrying the stupid fake vigorously trained smile.

Jack looked at the menu, and as he was looking through the drink names, he wanted to bash someone's head in. He closed his eyes and ordered, »Extra large super duper chocolate unicorn milkshake,« and as he uttered those words, he felt like vomiting.

»That would be 29.95$. Anything else?« the cashier replied as he put a big pink plate with a winking unicorn on a tray and prepared to make the milkshake.

»No. That would be all,« Jack replied as he handed over 30$, »Keep the change. Thank you.«

The cashier looked at him as if saying, »Thank you for your 5 cents and fuck you!!!«, before he smiled and instructed with a straight face,«Please use the self-service pancake buffet, which will be supplied with fresh pancakes until 11 pm.« Then he put the milkshake on his tray and handed it over.

Jack went to a table near the direction he was directed too and put down the tray. He picked up the pink unicorn plate and rushed to the buffet. He put 5 pancakes on his plate and just randomly smeared strawberry jam and chocolate cream on each side.

When he sat down his stomach was louder than ever, but it subsided the moment he stuffed the first pancake into his mouth. After the first one came the second and soon all five of them were gone.

Since it was »All you can eat« Jack was not coy, and he immediately went for round number two. This time he packed cranberry and blueberry jam and 10 pancakes stacked one on top of the other.

As he was munching away, he looked at the crowd while chewing the fluffy pancakes and enjoying the combination of jams. Most of the people who were eating were obese, but there was a woman who had at least 20 pancakes on her pink unicorn plate and was sitting directly in front of Jack.

She was munching away as Jack observed her and noticed she put the jams on to separate small coffee plates and was dipping the pancake pieces in them.

»Looks like she is a pro.« Jack thought. She indeed looked like a pro at eating unhealthy sugary food with her 150+ kilograms that he estimated and a smile that would appear on her face every time she stuffed a pancake piece fully dipped into the jam in her mouth. She was obviously enjoying this cheap food like it was some kind of gift from the gods.

Considering Jack's current appearance, they were the total opposite. Jack was gaunt and sick looking wearing oversize clothes. She had clothes bursting at the seems with full cheeks and a healthy complexion.

Jack took the milkshake and tried it, and it was really super duper chocolatey. He really had to agree the name was not such a mismatch. As he was sucking on the straw, he remembered about inspect, and he activated it.

Name: ???

Strength: 4

Constitution:5

Endurance:3

Speed:2

Dexterity:7

Perception:5

Intelligence:???

Wisdom:???

Willpower:???

Charisma:6

Luck: ???

As he was reading through the stats, he noticed a lot of question marks and also that the woman was more attractive than him. He frowned and was just about to click details when a peculiar thing happened. The stats changed.

New inspect window showed:

Name: Sue Ann Marple

Strength: 4

Constitution:5

Endurance:3

Speed:2

Dexterity:7

Perception:5

Intelligence:7

Wisdom:6

Willpower:5

Charisma:6

Luck: ???

Jack was in thought why would the data appear after a while when he noticed the details button. He clicked it, and it was very concise again.

Sue Ann Marple is very sexually active and is in treatment for gonorrhea.

As Jack was still sucking his milkshake through the straw, the sudden shock he got from that piece of information made him exhale, and it catapulted the milkshake from his mouth into his nose and out of his nostrils onto his plate.

The woman saw him watching her before just smiled at him and winked seductively. By the time she looked at him after making the coughing noise he had already covered his face with his hand and was grabbing his napkin, so she had no idea of his embarrassing incident.

»Maybe if you didn't have gonorrhea I would wink back just for the hell of it,« Jack had to admit that behind all that fat was probably hidden a lovely face as he thought that.

He continued eating, and after another three rounds of ten pancakes the cashier was looking at him funny, so he decided the next round would be the last. He stacked twenty of them on his plate and finished them in front of the bewildered staff.

He ate 65 pancakes and an extra large milkshake, and he looked like he was an albino from Ethiopia. If the staff only knew this was his brunch after a big breakfast, they would probably be driven insane.

It was 10:30, and there was still no news from Robocop, so Jack decided to visit a store and buy some groceries. As he was walking towards a store, he was already thinking about what to do about lunch.

»All you can eat again or maybe there is an eating competition somewhere. Eating competition would be perfect since I could eat my fill and even earn money from it.« Jack conceived plans in his head and mumbled to them aloud.

Then Jack remembered the appearing stats, and he got a hunch that the stats were getting retrieved from somewhere. Probably from the internet since now everything was connected. What made it especially scary is that medical data was usually heavily protected or even encrypted. People would not post their sexually transmitted disease status openly in public so that info must have come from a protected source.

»Well, if people openly tested themselves and reported their STDs they would die out in a generation,« Jack honestly thought that. He didn't mean people would die out. There would no longer be sexually transmitted diseases around.

»Well, good luck making people do something sensible for the greater good.« was his next thought.