19 *Extra: He Chao

I first saw Yun Heng at a cafe near my University. It was my last year and everything wasn't going so well. I was passing my classes and getting ready to graduate but home life was getting worse. No matter how many jobs I get and how much money I make I haven't been able to get out of that hell. Somehow He just keeps finding out where I keep my money, and if he doesn't he just beats the shit out of me until I give it him. Mom has been checked out for a long time and I don't know how much longer I can protect Liu-er. She's too young to face this, but I can't shield her from everything. Now that she's growing older I can see His lustful gaze directed towards her but I don't know how to get her out. While I'm thinking about all of my worries I just see this guy sitting there drinking his coffee, as if he has no worries. But he's different from everyone else. You can see everyone else laughing or crying or depressed or joyous, you can read people. Somehow when I look at his eyes he just looks empty, soulless. I found him interesting but it was just for a moment. When we left the cafe we both walked off in different directions and I thought I would never see him again. Who knew that he would take up the rest of my future.

I saw him again in my business economics class, he was sitting in the last row. I wanted to know more about him so I went to sit next to him. He didn't even look up to see who arrived, it just made me more curious. Who is this guy? Over the next few months I tried to get to know him and thinking about took up all of my time. I didn't have any time to worry about my home shit all of the time. I wasn't as stressed as I used to be, I don't know why but he gave me confidence. Maybe it was the way he never gave a shit about anything, maybe it was the way he seemed to see through the world.

I got the confidence to say no. No I won't give you money, no you cannot try to strip everything from my sister and I. I called the cops on him, and that day was probably the proudest moment of my life. They took mom away because she wasn't a reliable guardian. I was old enough to live on my own but my sister would have been put in the foster system, we both didn't want that. We knew that our neighbor lost her daughter a few years ago and doted on my sister. I begged her to take Liu-er in and she didn't need much convincing. I was reassured that Liu-er would be taken care of so I moved into an apartment closer to the University.

I looked forward to the time I could see him everyday. Once I gained the courage to talk to him I learned so much about him. Extreme Apathy, Schizoid disorder. He wasn't able to feel, my heart ached for him. His family abandoned him, but he didn't feel anything. He just lived on his own and no anger, no despair, no disappointment. When I asked him about his feelings towards being abandoned, he said nothing until he asked, "What am I supposed to feel?" It was just a statement with no inflection, but I wanted to change that. He gave me the confidence to say no. He made me believe that I was worth more, even though it might have been my interpretation of his apathy. But he changed my life and now I wanted to change his.

We graduated from college at 21 and we kept in touch. Well...it's more like I called him all the time. Six months passed and I asked him to meet me at the coffee shop where I first saw him. That day I asked him out, knowing that he didn't care for me, but believing that he eventually would. I believed I could change him. That was my greatest mistake.

I gave him three years of my life. His face never changed, but I felt like over the years I had made an impact. We kissed and he never said no. We never took it further than that but that was just because I felt like I wasn't ready for that yet. I was so happy believing that he felt something for me,even if it was just a little. I chose to work at the same company as his just to be closer to him.

Once there was a time when I was getting mugged. I was trying to fight back and coincidentally he came by the street and saw me. He stood there looking at me for a second but the moment I said help he jumped in and saved me. I thought he was my hero, he came into a dangerous situation for me. But later I realized he just did it because I asked him. If I hadn't said help, he might have just stood there watching.

Eventually I became obsessed with him. I watched his every movement and expression. I wanted to mess up that stone face and see him do something different. Smile, laugh, cry, scream, explode from anger...anything. So I tried to do different things checking if it would affect him. I took him to comedy shows, I took him to horror movies, tragedies. At one point I flirted with another guy in front of him, but nothing. The straw that broke the camel's back was probably when I saw a girl touching his arm and smiling but he didn't do anything. He didn't move away, he didn't reject her...nothing. I went crazy, he was supposed to be mine and only mine.

I called him and asked him to come to this alley and he came. Even at this moment I hoped that he felt something for me but when I asked he just said "No". It crushed me, after everything I had given, after everything I believed I realized it was all a delusion. I just broke, I didn't even realize what I was doing. When I heard the gunshots and saw his body jerking before falling I ran towards him. I looked into his eyes and even in the end there was no change. I held his body and cried, I couldn't believe that I had killed him. He was my hope, he was the one who gave me the confidence to change my life and now he was the reason my life would end.

From the beginning to the end he never even looked at me. He was my everything but he never even knew. When I sat behind the jail bars I could only laugh at myself. He never knew that he had saved my life, how could he have known that I deluded myself? In the end it was all just me. Now that I think about it, it's not a surprise that he never grew to love me. My love was conditional. I always wanted something from him. I wanted him to change, I wanted him to give me what I gave him. So it's not a surprise. But even now, at least once, I wish I could have seen his expression change.