35 35. Stronger than anyone....
As back as his memories went, all he could remember was that his mother had always been weak in both health and mind.
She was always alone.
If she was not ill, she was depressed; if she was not bedridden then she was always crying.
From years by her side, he knew that 'he' himself was an existence, that shouldn't have come by, because..... his father never liked her, it-- no, 'he' was their only other mistake before their 'marriage'... or maybe the reason?
She didn't take care of her health during gestation due to negligence and hence, the foetus inside was weakened.
After she gave birth to him, she suffered from Post-pregnancy depression and without her husband by her side, she neglected everything else.
She lived an ignorant life and the one to suffer from this fiasco was Qin ZiXuan; he grew up autistic and had a stunted growth with a malnourished body.
When he got slightly older, somehow, his mother who was treated him like he was thin air, for no apparent reason, started to shower all her love at him.
Well, he was just a child back then, who was without parental love so, this sudden show of love warmed his heart.
He didn't ask for the reason he was neglected or, why she came back... because just like any other child, he too, wanted the love and care of a mother and didn't think that it was wrong.
He even childishly thought that maybe he had done something wrong so, he was being punished but thank god, everything turned out right...or so, he thought.
It was a foolish wish and hopeless dream...
That day, he found out that he too had a father and for the first time he was allowed to see what his father looked like..... The memory has been blurred but that was probably their 'first' meeting... he was both curious and nervous to meet him, his father had come to their house or more exactly his men had come to take him away as the man himself sat in his car, he couldn't exactly 'meet' him but he had seen enough of his left profile...
'Will he like me?', he had actually asked this childish question to his small heart.
But just one glance at that somehow, watching that face of his father... his heart, body, and soul turned cold for no apparent reason.
He should be glad that he was able to point out his father so easily but his heart couldn't help but tremble; his heart, felt weak.
He turned to his mother to get some comfort and ask for refugee but.... it was a mistake to turn to her.....
His mother was just looking at his father with eyes full of love, devotion, weakness, and longing; it was the same look she used time to time when she looked at him...
He was a child but that didn't equal to being stupid, yes, he was blinded by his mother's affection but it was not to the point that, he couldn't see what was going on.
He had his doubts that, in those time, she wasn't looking at him but was trying to see someone else in him and by that look she was using just now to look at his father, like there was no one else in this world except for him and only his father existed in her world, his eyes turned cold and dark as he connected the dots easily.
He found the reason of the sudden change in his mother; it was due to his face, he looked similar, too similar to his father even though he was just 4; the inherent good looks and sharp features were hard to look away from and could easily give their relation.
He instinctively knew that he was just a replacement to her, in place of his father, the only man she loved and the man she gave her life for.
Then again it actually took him more time than the expected amount to find this out, well, what do you expect from a kid his age?
It was more clearly visible as she always turned a blind eye, when he was being taken away to that dark room.
She always ignored it like she didn't see it, as they say, 'out of sight, out of mind.
Even after he was taken back from that room, she would act like he was injured from a fall or some similar reasons and will patch him up; she turned a blind eye to his suffering because she knew it was 'his' orders. Even this fake treatment stopped at some time... she probably couldn't see his father in him anymore, after all, he had become the very definition of a mechanised tool at some point...
Still, it was evident that she would do anything for that man, what did the child value for, the child didn't matter at all.
It was all too clear but he too, probably knowingly, turned away from facing reality, as a child he still wanted his mother back then and himself shut his eyes from facing reality, he was too greedy for that pitiful amount of love, he was too weak.
But that day all his hopes shattered....he himself crushed his desires of a sweet life and closed his heart, building multiple walls around it.
........
Now that he thinks....
Qin ZiXuan actually didn't hate her.
Well, she didn't deserve any of his feelings plus he knew that she was too weak.
He was still thankful for the 'illusional' love she gave him in those few years, at least he knew what love was, even though it was fake or more appropriately, misplaced, that is, it was not for him.
Still, he got to know about this feeling called love, everything should be experienced once, right?
If given a chance to choose a mother, he would still choose her;
1. He knew no one better at the job..
2. She was the reason he could meet Meilin, the only thing good about her was, she was the daughter of Qin Mo, so at least, he got his most prized possession after that many years of suffering...
In her death bed, she cried and asked for his forgiveness, she said that she was sorry but by then he didn't feel anything, there was nothing there in his eyes...He didn't feel sad, nor anger, he didn't feel remorse or contempt and nor did he feel sorry for her or wanted to forgive her.
Watching that pitiful picture she created, he only felt annoyance at her for being weak but for even that, he thought it was too much work and a hassle to show it in his eyes so, his eyes appeared blank like she was watching something dead...
When his mother saw those eyes, she cried even louder and probably due to guilt made the only right choice for him, after his birth.
She did a good deed before dying, which was to give his guardianship to his grandfather and not to his divorced husband.
Back then he has hardened his heart and vowed not to fall in love, it made you weak and pitiful.
He was sure he could live alone but it all changed when he found her, she broke the wall around him and took him to a beautiful world of companionship.
She showed him that when you loved the right person you will become strong, stronger than when you were alone.
He could never forgive his parents but after he fell in love with her, he could guess why his mother became like that, she was just too much in love but that didn't mean that he forgave her.
His mother was too weak, she was unable to fight for her love and that, she was a coward.
But his Meilin was different, she was a resolute and strong woman, far stronger than anyone he has come across, in this life.
Yes, Meilin was still not following her heart's desires and was a coward when it came to her feelings about him but her reasons and conditions were different; she was broken due to her past experiences and thought that she was not someone appropriate to receive his love as, he should receive the best and she was not the best, that she was flawed... but she didn't know that, he too, was hiding his flaws...his inner ugliness and that he was not even near the man what he made him out to be.
They had their own secrets and insecurities and he was sure that, once they resolved them, they will become stronger together.
Meilin was different from his mother in that she was a 'FIGHTER' , she will never be a damsel, who will wait for people to help her in everything and though Qin ZiXuan still wanted and hoped for her to rely on him, he was still proud of his love.
His love, who was strong, independent and was someone who could walk with him and not behind him...
She was someone who will never run away from reality and will face it no matter the hardships, she didn't believe in delusions and fantasies, she was the type to get everything with her own two hands.
Yes, Meilin was strong...
She was his everything, his love, his strength, his wish and his lifeline....if there is no Qin Meilin, there will be no Qin ZiXuan.
