4 Case 004: The fox and the terror bird

It was morning in the savage jungle, and Billy began the routine he'd fallen into since coming to this strange and terrifying world. He first climbed out of the tree hollow he now called home and began looking for water. There was a river nearby but, since it was filled with crocodiles, he dared not drink there. Instead, Billy would wander in search of a puddle to slurp. If he was lucky, the puddle would be leech infested, which would provide him a protein rich breakfast.

Having found a normal puddle today, Billy went about his next task with a rumbling stomach: dealing with the runs. Yeah, turns out having zero survival experience means one tends to accidentally eat poisonous food. He has been lucky thus far in that he hasn't eaten anything so toxic it'd kill him instantly. Unfortunately, the berries and insects he has eaten were just toxic enough to wreck havoc on his bowels.

About a half hour into his bathroom break, Billy was forced to hide. This being a prehistoric jungle, all manor of nasty creatures roam about with impunity. Today, it was a centipede the size of a car which interrupted Billy's current task. As he found a quiet spot to duck away, he thought about how this place was gradually warping his sense of normal. The first time he had an interruption like this, for example, it jumbled him up so much that he ruined his underwear while retreating. Now though, he didn't even blink as he both wiped and moved away from the source of danger, plucking leaves from branches he passed by to finish the job.

Then again, considering this isn't the most disgusting thing Billy has to do on a daily basis, it makes sense. For example, the current task Billy needs to complete now that the centipede is gone. You see, just because a tree hollow is there doesn't necessarily make it safe. He's pretty sure the only reason this one stayed safe for so long is that he stepped in what turned out to be the poo of a tyrannosaurus before finding it. But, now that this scent had begun to fade, Billy was in the unenviable position of having to find more scary monster poop to keep the hollow from getting unwanted visitors in the middle of the night.

Thus, Billy grabbed a stick he was sharpening for fun (as most things here were too tanky for it to be of any real use), and began his quest. He kept his senses keenly focused on everything around him, something which made his pace incredibly slow. It's a necessary precaution, however, as many things in this jungle have a habit of sneaking up on you; like that one time he almost walked right into a giant spider's web, or the time he stumbled upon a snake pit.

SQUAWK!

The sound echoed from an area a few meters away from him. Billy immediately hit the deck and listened further. Finding it wasn't directed at him, he knew he had to investigate further. Don't get me wrong, Billy isn't a curious man. It's just that the source of that sound could be either a blessing or a curse for him. If that was the sound of fighting, he might be able to scavenge some meat after the victor has his fill. If that was the sound of mating, on the other hand...

GROWL!

Breathing a sigh of relief at the new sound, Billy crawled forward towards a small clearing. Inside, he witnessed a fierce battle between a terror bird twice as tall as him and, strangely enough, a fox. Granted, the fox was as big as he was, but it was still a fox. "Oh well, it's losing anyway. I wonder how it tastes," he wondered to himself.

Unfortunately, all of this action in front of him was so riveting that Billy failed to notice a beetle crawling right up to his hand. It wasn't poisonous, but it did sport large jaws which left painful wounds whenever it chose to bite something. It also had a terrible temper, biting anything that got in its way. And, right now, his hand was in its way. Thus, the third sound echoing through the jungle was Billy's own shouting.

OW SHIT! FRIGGING BUG!

Billy rolled out of his hiding spot and into the clearing, flailing his arms about as he does so in an attempt to shake the beetle off his hand. Just as the two big beasts take notice of him, it is finally dislodged. The now free beetle goes flying through the air as a result, eventually landing on the terror bird, whom it then bites. The terror bird is flustered because of this, giving the fox a perfect opportunity to take its life. With a swipe of its forepaw, the terror bird's neck is sliced right open. Now that the bird was taken care of, the fox focused its attention on Billy.

"Wukku muglus wagahai," it asked, speaking with surprising fluidity despite its canine maw.

Billy, unfortunately, couldn't understand a word of it. He thus asked "what?"

The fox shook its head in response before waving its forepaw and saying a chant.

"How about now?"

"Ah, much better. Thank you."

"Why, you are welcome strange human. Now what are you doing here?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know. I was out drinking with my brother and, when I went back into the bar, I found myself here."

"... I meant why are you here in front of me right now."

"Oh... Are you going to eat all that," Billy finally asked while holding back drool.

"And if I intend to?"

"I don't suppose this sharpened stick will do any damage to you, will it?"

"Ha ha ha, you are funny, strange human. Tell me a story and I'll share it with you."

"Oh, that's easy. Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the monk, and the priest sharing a taxi?"

"What's a taxi?"

"You don't have those here? Weird... Alright, it's basically a car that you can call up to take you places when you don't have one or you are too drunk to drive."

"okay... What's a car?"

Billy sighed and took a seat, knowing he would have to do a lot of explaining. 20 minutes later, the story was finished, but the fox didn't find it funny.

"Maybe something was lost in translation."

"I don't know, I found the idea of shamans belonging to different faiths not killing each other on sight quite pleasant."

"Pleasant enough to give me some of that bird?"

"Sure, why not? Oh, since I have you here as a guest, let me change into a form more suitable for interacting with humans."

And then, the most surprising of things happened. A soft light enveloped the giant fox and, when it faded, the fox had been replaced by a hot naked man.

"What!?!"

The reporter asks, her pen flying out of her hand.

"Yeah brother, don't leave your descriptions so sparse. Was he hung?"

The reporter again interrupts, going into a coughing fit before I even got the answer to my question.

"Excuse me, where is your restroom," she asks, face flush.

"Go up the stairs and it's the second door on the left."

the reporter then rushes up the stairs light a bolt of lightning, leaving me and my brother alone to exchange gossip.

"So, did you screw him?"

"Of course. I'd be a moron if I didn't."

BANG ACK!

"What is her problem?"

"Oh crap, I forgot to disarm the trap I left."

"Why are you booby trapping my house, brother?"

"Sorry, I'm still not used to locks."

By this point, the reporter was already halfway down the stairs. We then watched in stunned silence as she fled the house. The reason for us being flabbergasted? Her fur belt was nowhere to be seen, instead replaced by a bushy fox tail poking out from the back of her dress.

"Hey, was the present day always this weird?" my brother then asked while I was shutting the front door. It was an odd question, and one I couldn't answer.

So I instead asked "would I be able to tell if it weren't?"

This seemed to strike a chord with him, as Billy was silent thereafter, eventually retiring to his room for the night.