2 Keep Calm and Make More Sales

I quickly point the blinking cursor at the Not Interested button and click it.

"You have already spent a month in here and still got nothing but zero sales. Nada. Zilch. How to be you, Michael?"

"Hello, who's this?" Charles of Oklahoma sounds groggy. Too bad.

"Hi, Charles! My name is Michael-"

"Hello? Is anyone in there?"

"Unmute!"

"Hi, Charles. How are you doing today? My name is Michael and I'm-"

"Look, Michael. Please. I don't want to be rude. I know you're a good person and you're just doing your job. But this is the tenth time that you call my number today. You guys are calling me for almost two years now. God, I already have an insurance for my car. Stop calling me, Michael."

"Energy, Michael. Don't act like a malnourished vampire. Push!"

"Sir, I'm sorry to hear that but we just want you to compare it only on what you have now and our agents will contact you back with the lowest possible rate."

"Jesus Crist!"

The line goes dead.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Deborah! Good day! This is Michael. I'm calling to let you know that we could help you–"

"Sorry, Michael, but whatever you are selling, I will not be interested."

"Push, Michael. Use the Not Interested rebuttal!" An outstretched finger appears in front of my face, pointing at the Rebuttals Script pinned on the left side of my wall. I resist the urge to bite the said finger.

"Ma'am, I'm not selling you anything. This is for your car insurance and-"

"Where are you calling from?"

"Auto Care, Ma'am, but we are not the insurance company. Agents are going to contact you back with the lowest possible rate-"

"No. I mean, where are you located?"

"Now what, Michael? You still don't know the proper rebuttal for that one?"

"Hey, wake up, boy. Where are you located?"

"Ma'am? So sorry. I think I lost you. Come again?" My eyes jump up and down the Rebuttals Script. The signage beside the script that says Keep Calm and Make More Sales screams at me.

Easier said than done, right, Fyodor?

"Michael! Answer her quickly! Sales!"

"I'm asking about your location, boy."

"Michael! Answer her! Double time! Push!"

"Ma'am, I'm afraid the line's a little bit fuzzy. Can you repeat?" Where is it? Where is it? Come on!

"Michael!"

"Hello? Are you still–"

Bingo!

"I asked where-"

"We are located in Florida, Ma'am."

"Are you a Filipino?"

I blink.

"C-Come again, Ma'am?"

"You sound like a Filipino. Your accent is horrible. Bet you're not in Florida."

Damn! I'm doomed.

"Hello? Hello!"

"Michael! Answer her. Don't just stare at the screen like a catatonic! Rebut! Push! Set an appointment!"

"Ma'am, actually, I'm-" I'm doomed.

"What? Please, I can barely understand what you're saying. Your accent is horrible. I would like to speak with someone who can speak good English."

"Ma'am, I-"

The line goes dead, and how that pricks the thorn out of my chest! A sigh of relief goes past my lips.

"You're too slow rebutting, slowpoke!"

The calls are queuing.

"Push, Michael! Push!"

Our eyes met.

"Push!"

With all the willpower that I can muster, I resist the idea of standing up and pushing Helga against the wall. I'm already just an inch from reaching for her neck and squeezing it tighter and tighter before she can even say uncle. Clenching my teeth, I just reciprocated the stare she's giving me, but jeez, how I badly want to hurt her, just to teach her a lesson!

Helga towers above me, her steely eyes boring at me, daring me to cross her.

Don't let your eyes waver, Fyodor. Don't you dare!

Helga arches an eyebrow.

"And why are you staring at me like that?" She cocks her head as if hearing strange voice, perhaps the voice inside her head. She's crazy and prone to hallucination, anyway. She clenches her teeth, not taking her eyes off me. "See anything green?"

She'll leave you alone, Fyodor. You're doing good.

"Why, you–"

Keep going. That's it. Carry on.

Helga drops her eyes.

See? Way to go, Fyodor.

"Hello! Who the hell is this!"

I quickly glance back at the monitor.

"Hi, Michael. My name is-Michael. I'm calling-"

"Damn you! I want your supervisor. Now!"

"Push, Michael. Your metrics' already at the bottom. If you still fail to set a valid appointment before dawn, you know what will happen."

Wait. Did I just catch Helga baring her teeth at me like an angry baboon when I turned my head? Could only be my imagination, sure, but knowing Helga for a month, perhaps she's capable of doing just like that. Crazy witch.

"Now push!" She turns her back, walking away with her chin up, perhaps believing that she has earned at least a draw.

"Hey, stupid asshole. Are you deaf? I said I want to speak to your-"

"She just passed away, sir."

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"She'll be sorely missed, sir."

The line goes dead.

"Hello, Simon speaking. Who's this?"

"Hi, there, Simon! My name is Michael."

"Oh, Michael! How are you doing today, young man?" The sounds of roaring motors and blasting horns flood my ears. The energy and liveliness surrounding the city of New York never cease to amaze me.

"I'm fine, sir. Thank you for that wonderful question. How about you, sir? How are you today?"

"Ha-ha! Of course, terrible, now that you called."

"Oh."

"Michael, for the love of Christ, can you do me a favor?"

Classic lines.

"Sure, sir. I'll put your number on our Do Not Call list immediately. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for your time and have a great day."

"Now you're talking, young man. Thanks! Have a great day, too."

The line goes dead, emitting a steady monotonous hiss.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Tesla. How-"

"I'm busy."

"Oh, I see. What is the best time to call you back?"

"Never."

Hang up.

"Hi, Cole! How are you doing today? This is Michael-"

"Whoever that freaking Cole is, I will find him and I will wring his freaking neck until his last freaking breath. For the last freaking time, people, I am not Cole. My name is freaking Sebastian. Stop calling me, you freaking cocksucker. Stop or I will call the freaking cops, you freaking hear me, idiot? Stop calling this freaking number."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, sir, but-"

"I'm freaking sure you are, you freakin' freaked up freak. By the way, putang ina mo. Have a nice freaking day, you freaking stupid Filipino."

The line goes dead.

I badly need a cigarette. How I wish I weren't here right now.