1 Candid Confessions

I switched on the TV, stretched back on the couch and flipped the channels. Stopped at 'Star movies', fingers tired perhaps and more so of the day too. The prime role in the film, Michelle, was reading through the English lessons to be taught for school next day. Jane, her daughter ran in through the corridor in to the dining hall and said 'mummy see this painting' Michelle turned around and looked. It was a painting of a girl sitting in a railway station looking at an inbound train, she remarked in awe 'its brilliant honey, who gave you this?' 'Fr. Johnson gave it to me saying there is hope in the picture', Jane said. And did you say 'Thank you to Father for giving this to you' Michelle examined. 'Yeah mummy' Jane said. 'C'mon let's pray now' Michelle whispered as she opened the Bible and picked up a verse and read it loud;

Everything that we have - right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start - comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 1:30

My heart moved away from the monitor, In May last year I had presented Caryn a framed stone etched with a drawing of hers, with the same verse. She sent me a text saying 'it's a lovely gift buddy, thank you'. The Bible verse was the status line I picked up from her messenger by the way. My mind rolled back to a Friday in December, she logged in at 2pm and messaged me two phone numbers. I asked 'What's this dear?' She said 'Can you call up these numbers and find out who picks up the phone?' I asked her 'When did you join the Intelligence wing?' She wasn't amused and replied 'Just call and find out if it's a man or a woman?' I said 'Are we going to the Tihar jail together?' She didn't respond, I replied 'Not from my phone anyway, I will go out to the Public telephone booth and call'. 'Alright', she said. I walked up the bridge, down to a public telephone in front of a store, dialled the number, dropped in the coin as the dialler tone came up. A lady picked up the phone, 'Hello Sofia, It's me Jaison' I said, 'No, I am not Sofia, wrong number' she replied after a silence. I walked towards the national highway and called Caryn and said 'A lady picked up the first number you gave and I didn't try the second number'. I was apprehensive about the whole thing, asked her 'what's the problem Caryn?' She replied 'Hey, nothing. How old does the lady sound like?' I got rather annoyed and said 'I don't know'. I asked her again 'what for?' she said 'No issues buddy'. I wasn't going to die wondering, I could feel the stress in her, I raised my voice and asked 'Are you going to tell me?' She picked up the difference in my tone and said 'Yeah'. I asked 'when?' she said 'I shall call you tonight' and said a quick 'bye' before reminding me that she is in the middle of preparing some purchase orders.

Same day, 8.30pm. I logged in, she wasn't online. I sensed she was a little hesitant, she usually comes online at around the same time most days; I guessed she might have gone out for a walk and probably avoid the evening. I waited for 30 minutes, send her a text 'Are we going to talk tonight?' the reply was swift 'Yes, in 10 minutes'.

The messenger alert came up on the right side of the task bar, she was online.

Caryn: Hey sorry for holding you up.

Me: That's ok; now tell me what the issue is?

Caryn: Do we really need to do this bud?

Me: What? You said we will talk tonight, right?

Caryn: But still …Me: Go on, shall I call you? Let's voice chat.

Caryn: No, we will type.

Me: Ok

Caryn: So how was your day?

Me: It was alright, but that's not the subject we are focussing on, dear.

Caryn: Hey, I am a little nervous buddy …

Me: Why?

Caryn: :(

Me: Ok if you are not at ease, we will talk this weekend, but I am still worried about this.

Caryn: No, its fine, I need to talk to you today.

After a long pause she buzzed me, perhaps after acquiring a bit of inner strength.

Caryn: I messed up my life a second time.

Me: What? What are you saying?

Caryn: Yeah, it's true. I felt I should open up to you coz on Tuesday you said even if I made a mistake you will be with me.

Me: Yeah, am with you and I know you will listen to me if you are wrong.

Caryn: You are so positive about life.

Me: No I am not; I am just as shaky as anyone going around.

Me: Go on.

Caryn: I fell in love with a married man.

Caryn: He was my childhood crush.

Caryn: He came and asked mummy if he could marry me.

Caryn: Mummy said I am too young for marriage.

Caryn: Are you there?

Me: Yep

Caryn: He is 12 years elder, has 2 lovely daughters.

Caryn: and he has an adorable wife who is a homemaker.

Me: hmmm …Caryn: 2 years back we reconnected on FB and it was like wild fire.

Caryn: We send messages, exchanged numbers.

Caryn: I was so caught up in his magnetic field.

Caryn: He has amazing sense of humour.

Caryn: I would switch off everything else for him, to talk to him, to message him…

Caryn: Yes I was madly in love, am still.

Caryn: He was a friend of my brother, John. I told my brother about my love for him, he got angry and told me I am being taken for a ride.

Caryn: I didn't talk to my brother for a month after that.

Caryn: My friend and I planned a trip to Bangkok, I called him over, he came and we had a great time. He didn't even touch me. At the Bangalore airport, he had a different flight to take. I saw him standing in the queue, felt a rush of love, and hugged him 'Goodbye'. We got seriously close.

Caryn: Are you following me? What are you thinking?

Me: Yep reading … go on.

Caryn: hmmm ….

Caryn: Gosh, should we do this bud? I am kinda getting drained.

Me: No, carry on.

Caryn: He loves his wife, his kids. He loves me…

Caryn: I call him every day, every alternative hour infact. 600 text messages on an average in a month.

Caryn: He is my life!

Me: What?

Me: You are in love with a married man, right? Where do you fit in to his life? As a second wife?

Caryn: Second wife? How dare, what do you mean?

Me: Caryn, he has a wife, he loves her and by the way does she know about you?

Caryn: Yes I have talked to her, the kids. They love me.

Me: And they don't know you both are in love, I presume.

Caryn: Nope

Me: In love, I guess there isn't any reasoning. But you had better choices in life dear…

Caryn: Yeah I know, there were quite a few guys who wanted to marry me.

Caryn: He was the right man at the wrong time.

Caryn: I am so in love with him.

Caryn: He became virtuous because of me.

Caryn: I changed him a lot to be a better human being.

Me: So you mean to say he wasn't good before he met you?

Caryn: Yeah, he wasn't. He was after women; he doesn't drink or smoke though.

Me: So you think he stopped his habits?

Caryn: Yeah significantly, he is more in love with his family now and me, of course.

Caryn: He says I am his strength. I am his relief after all the stressed up life.

Me: So what's the problem now?

Caryn: I was on a vacation for Christmas; we met at a restaurant down close to the sea for a dinner. I had my phone switched off and was enjoying the evening with him. His phone beeped to alert an incoming message. He looked at it and was visibly disturbed. He told me he is going to the loo and walked out. It didn't look right at all. He came back after some time and we had dinner. I didn't talk to him much after that, he was way off his senses; he dropped me back at my place.

Caryn: I was upset coz of him walking out. I felt there was a conviction between us which was broken; he could have talked right in front of me if everything was normal.

Me: And?

Caryn: I took out the monthly call list of his phone number through a friend of mine at Vodafone.

Caryn: I checked the time and the numbers. There were two numbers he called just after leaving me in the restaurant.

Caryn: I called up the number through the Internet phone; a lady picked up and said something.

Caryn: I was really distraught.

Caryn: I decided to ask him about it.

Caryn: He said it was Sofia, and he was just sorting out her tainted married life.

Caryn: And I asked what about the next number? He said it was her husband.

Caryn: I wasn't convinced coz I think it is a different girl whom he was screwing around just before meeting me. He had promised me that he wouldn't get in to any sort of such activities.

Me: hmmm... sorry but I think you shouldn't have dug out his numbers.

Me: You were chasing an illusion which never was yours, maybe, the way I see it.

Caryn: I gave him my 100%, I felt betrayed.

Me: Betrayed? By a married man? Well why didn't you believe what he said? You don't know Sofia's voice, do you?

Caryn: Maybe, but my heart said something was wrong. I didn't know her voice.

Me: So? What next?

Caryn: I just want to get out of this …

Caryn: But he is too delicate, I wanted this relationship from the beginning, he will get hurt if I walked away.

Caryn: I wish he walked away on his own and eased my pain.

Caryn: What do you think? Am I good enough to be your acquaintance?

Me: Do leave it with me for a while though, the second query is out of context and perhaps warrants a slap.

Me: Getting out this is a bit difficult knowing you.

Caryn: Am comforted talking to you, I need to sleep peacefully now.

Me: Are you going?

Caryn: Yes, am really tired bud.

Me: I wish you stayed longer, perhaps not the right note to end.

Caryn: Yeah, I wish I stayed for a while but my body doesn't seem to oblige.

Me: Ok then, you take care and be safe, Good night.

Caryn: You take care too hand stay blessed. Good night buddy.