4 I'll tell you about that day

I want to tell you how I felt, why I left, and what you did.

Listen.. read.. ...

You promised that you would spend christmas with us. You said you wouldn't give up until christmas. But when christmas came you no longer responded. You didn't move. You didn't talk. you didn't even open your eyes. All I could do was stay by your side while everyone went home to rest and refresh themselves.

I couldn't hear you. But I stayed there. I accompanied you with every little bit of sanity I had left. A couple hours went by in that silent room. With me just by your side and you by mine. I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to enjoy this day together but I also had to shower and eat. I couldn't neglect myself knowing how angry you would be. So I went home...

I went home. Opened presents quickly, jumped in the shower and in the middle I felt a pang.. no a tear.. maybe a shred.. somewhere in my heart. I didn't realize it then nor had I known but it would be my worst regret.

I continued on scrubbing and rubbing as fast as I could. But you couldn't even wait. NO! you didn't wait.

I remeber the loud banging on the door. The constant ringing of the phone. But I waited until I finished showering to even bother responding. I thought it may have just been my brother or sister perstering me to bring them something from home.

When I got out the first thing that I did was call back. All I heard was, "Hurry and finish getting ready you need to come back quick."

"why?"

"just hurry, I'll epxlain later."

beep beep beeep beeeeeep beeeeeeep

That mother scared me. Shook me. Tore me. The panic. The fear that I felt could not have been any worse. I couldn't hide my anxiety. I couldn't find in my mind the proper words to describe how abest mindly I walk into that hospital room.

I just walked in, sat down, and stared at you. It didn't even register how fast they let me in, how i entered to eerie silence, machines that were suppose to be on off, and the look people would give me. The look I came to hate so much now. Pity. Pure and unbridled petty for a child who couldn't cope nor understand that her mother had left her.

It wasn't until later that I sat up, walked to you, and held your cold hand. It wasn't until I saw you there even more lifeless than before did I cry. When was the last time I cried so childlishly infront of you. When was that last time I felt so unsecure of myself. So insecure of my sorroundings. I had always praised myself in my composed and indifferent attitude that I carried.

You broke it. Shattered the negative thoughts I was holding down for you. You shattered the world I created for myself. The world I relied on to not become completely insane. But there I was.

On sobbing, yelling, going weak in the knees, collapsing, hyperventilating, firmly and entirely loosing myself in my pain, sorrow, and regret. Feeding the years of negativity, depression, and insanity I had held back for you.

It was that day that I changed. It was that day that replays like a broken record in my head. It's that day that makes me feel repulsed at the mention of you. It's that day that I can't stand our family. It's that day why I can no longer stand myself.

You didn't break me. You didn't shatter me. You killed me.

Mom.. that day... that promise... please take it with you.