44 Chapter 44- I’m Afraid…
Xing Lao looked at Long Ren weirdly, "You've murdered yet is afraid or rejecting her, how odd." He said, still gazing at Long Ren.
Long Ren held his water bottle, now a bit tighter, "This and that are two different things…"
"Tell me then, why? I'm not just your Master in cultivation, you do know that right?" Xing Lao said as a gentle smile bloomed on his face.
Long Ren smiled wryly, he took a deep breath and decided to answer,
"...I'm afraid." He whispered, the buzzing of the winds almost carried his words away,
"Afraid? of what? Her beating you up?"
"...No," long ren whispered, he stopped and looked at xing lao's gentle eyes, seemingly saying everything's going to be alright, and decided to continue, ".. afraid of being a disappointment."
…xing lao took long ren's words in and thought for a while, trying to choose his words carefully,
"How so? It's unlike you to care of other's looks upon yourself,"
Long Ren bit his lips, "They're nothing to me, nothing but backgrounds who looked up to me, to you, but she's different…she's the same as me, no,...
she's more than me…"
Xing Lao nodded his head, "So you think her genius scares you, perhaps your pride?" Xing Lao asked. Long Ren grabbed his bottle even tighter, almost crushing it as he contemplates his words.
"No…I don't care about that,...I just don't want to be left behind…I'm afraid of her thinking I can't keep up with her…Afraid of her thinking I'm not good enough,
I'm afr–afraid of her thinking I'm not needed anymore…" Long Ren said, stumbling on his words, he gushed his feelings out as he tried to calm his erratic heart.
His breathing starts to distort, and his face flushed as he tried to compose himself…Xing Lao sighed and handed him a [Clear Mind] pill, Long Ren grabbed and ate it, not forgetting to use Nid's tattoos.
His mind starts to calm down, yet the unstable breathing still relents,
"Better now?" Xing Lao asked,
"Yeah…" Long Ren answered as his words trailed off
Xing Lao sighed for the umph-time, for the first time realizing how difficult his student really is, "What led you to believe that she'll leave you after all that?"
Long Ren looked at xing lao, he opened his mouth yet words refused to leave, "I…past experiences," Long Ren finally said, a mocking smile appeared on his face.
"Is that why you've avoided everyone from the clan? Because you're afraid of disappointing them, disappointing me?" xing lao asked, to which long ren only nodded meekly.
'Haaaaaaaaah' xing lao thought to himself as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, 'I'm too old for this shit,'
…
"Okay, let's do it this way, what makes you think you haven't disappointed me and won't leave you right here right now?"
Long Ren's face showed a confused look, "Because I can fulfill the expectations you have, one rank per year."
"So you think I would leave you have you failed to do so? What would you do should I set you up an impossible goal, reach Earth Realm in 1 month." Xing Lao said, looking down at Long Ren, his face devoid of the gentle smile he showed before.
"I…I…I don't know, I'll try my hardest but…" Long Ren said as his lips bled, painful, yet not as much as what he felt in his heart, He had dutifully followed his master's expectations, so why this…
"But what? But you'll reject my request like what you did with Yun Ning right now?! Cower like a rat, hoping I will relent later on and take you back?!" Xing Lao said, his tone raised as his voice turned deep.
…
Long Ren sat there in silence, not knowing what to respond with, his mouth wide open, he had so many things to say, so many thoughts to let out, yet none of them dared to come out, he was afraid…afraid to let others down…
Xing Lao looked at Long Ren and took out a dagger, "Cut your left pinkie." He said, throwing it to Long Ren.
"Huh?" Long Ren said, catching the shining dagger, still shocked.
"Cut your left pinkie." Xing Lao repeated. His face left no room to negotiate.
Long Ren looked at Xing Lao's hollow eyes.
Fear. A fear he felt so familiar with started to strangle his scarred heart. He gritted his teeth and did what he was told to do.
*swosh*
"Hmpph…mph" Long Ren gritted his teeth in reluctance, face flushed red as muffled grunts occasionally left his mouth. His pinkie falls to the ground, bloodying his robe in the process.
His left hand now missing one part, blood gushed out as he circulate his qi to stop it, yet none of the pain in his heart subside.
Long Ren looked up at Xing Lao, hoping this farce to just end, only to find his expression stayed the same, his next words brought Long Ren back to despair.
"Now cut your left palm." Xing Lao said, his chilling voice resounding throughout the open yard.
…
Long Ren sat there, very confused once more. He doesn't know what to do, he fulfilled it once already, does he have to do it again? NO…right?
…He doesn't know…
Long Ren's mind snapped.
…
"No." Long Ren mumbled,
"Hm?" Xing Lao said, nudging his head closer towards Long Ren.
"FUCK YOU!" Long Ren shouted, his eyes turned red as, he threw the dagger at Xing Lao, only to be caught effortlessly as Xing Lao let out the biggest sigh he had ever done.
Color returned to his eyes, his gaze gentle as he stared at Long Ren's lost expression, "Haah, and now you snapped."
He grabbed and sat Long Ren back down and stared at his face, "Why did you cut your finger?" He asked,
"Because…" Long Ren said, only to be interjected, "Because I said so?"
Long Ren only nodded, his eyes still lost in his own thoughts.
"Then why'd you reject my second request?"
…
Xing Lao saw Long Ren, not answering, and answered himself, "Because it was too much right?", to which Long Ren nodded.
"Now, you've disappointed me once, did you see me leaving you?"
…
Long Ren looked at him, "No" he slowly answered,
"Now, why is that?" Xing Lao asked, his tone rhetorical, "It's because I'm your master."
"I'm your master, Long Ren, and I'm also your friend, many times have I felt disappointed towards you, yet today is the worst.
Not only did you devalue our relationship, yet you also deny your own worth."
Long Ren looked at Xing Lao silly as he continued, "The moment we forged our relationship, we value each other, I value your potential and you value my care, and yet you treat it as if it was a business.
A relationship isn't always fair, it tilts one way one time, while the other on another, and that's perfectly okay. Things do not need to be fair,
I can and will be disappointed, and you should too.
But you need to understand which relationships you need to keep and which you need to let go of.
I don't care however many times you disappoint me, let me down. I do not care as long as you stayed as the you I saw potential in, as the you I cared for. And you should do the same as well.
Don't think you should follow my words just to not disappoint me, to keep me happy, keep her or them happy forever, you won't be able to, no one could.
So, instead of trying to only keep her happy by subtly rejecting her, as if that would work in the first place, start thinking about yourself.
If she distanced herself after seeing you displease her once, then that's when you need to let go." Xing Lao slowly walked toward Long Ren and patted his shoulder.
"She's a good girl, she kept coming back even after all the things you shamelessly did, getting subtly rejected is worse than being told directly you know." He said, ruffling Long Ren's head.
"Don't be afraid to disappoint others, you don't live to make their life better, you live to make yours happier."
Xing Lao got up and looked at Long Ren's contemplating gaze, he hoped his words somewhat made sense and reached his distressed student.
He himself had never experienced these thoughts as he had always lived for himself, but he tried his best. Now, it's all up to Long Ren. xing lao wondered how such a naive kid even exist in such a world.
"Now go and prepare to reject Yun Ning's request, if she didn't come today, go to hers, and this time, I'm serious." Xing Lao ordered, his words carried the winds to Long Ren's face, refreshing his thoughts.
He then left towards Long Ren's house as if he was leaving, when in reality, he gazed at his student from afar with a pinkie in his ring.
…
