1 |letter one|

SeongHwa-

What's it like? Is being normal comfortable? Is it easier? Is there less worrying? Do you know who you are? Do you have to hide as much as I do? Is making friends simple? Is it easy to keep those friends? There's so many questions, but even your answers wouldn't be enough. You could explain it to me a hundred times in a million different ways, but even then I wouldn't be able to understand a word of it. To some, it may be a gift to be like me. People think we're all smart. That we can memorize endless facts. What if it's not true? What if I'm just a little above average? What if I can barely remember my own name some days? To me, it's a curse. I already have enough problems as is, why did I need more? Why me? Isn't one enough? Two? Why do I need half a dozen more? No matter how many times I ask, the answer is always the same—I don't know. If you don't know, who does? Does anyone know?

Why is it so hard? Why can't it be easier? Why do I have to go through this? Why does no one understand me? Am I really that difficult to understand? Am I too confusing? Is it me? Is it the people around me? Is there a way I can fix it? Can I fix me?

I just want out. That's all. I want it all to end. If I ask for help, do you think someone will help? Would you help? Am I asking too much? Do you think anyone out there would help me end my suffering? Do I sound insane? Do the things I say scare people? Are you afraid of me now? I don't blame you if you are. I really don't. I know I am. I'm scared of me. I'm constantly afraid of the things I'm capable of. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid. Do you know what that's like?

People think I have no empathy—no emotions. Do you think that, too? I don't know. What are feelings? What is empathy? How does one describe them? How does one keep them all straight? It's hard enough living each day, so do I really have to try even harder to understand the concept of emotions?

It's not fair. Why do I have to work harder? Don't I already work hard enough? I've spent all my life wearing a mask to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore. Why should I have to conform and fake it just to avoid being thrown out? Why do I have to do everything? Can't everyone else put in a little work? Can't they step up and do what it takes to help me feel less like an outcast? Can't they just stop staring once and awhile? Can't they teach their children not to stare?

I can't help it. I really can't. I want it to stop. I really do. It won't. It won't stop. It will never stop. I will always be like this. There's no escape. I will never feel at ease. I will never live a day without panicking over something stupid. I will never be able to live a day in someone else's shoes. Never.

It hurts. It hurts so much knowing that all these years, I was working so much harder than everyone else. I thought everyone went home after being in public and slept for hours. I though talking made everyone exhausted. I thought everyone preferred being alone. It wasn't everyone. It never was. Especially not the crying and screaming.

For years, I faced uncontrollable emotional outbursts. I couldn't tell you want I needed—what I wanted—because there was nothing. I didn't want or need anything. There was no cause to my tantrum—at least not one anyone can fix. The lights. The sounds. The feelings of things on my skin. Everything. Everything was the cause of it. Too much of everything.

I want to be loved. I want to feel normal. I want someone to look me in the eyes each morning and tell me I'm perfect. I want to be loved by someone—anyone. I want to stand on stage like you do, but that will never happen.

People tend to think I want to be alone 24/7, but what if I don't want to? What I want to have tons of friends? What if I want to be the center of attention? What if I want to speak my mind? What if I want to live a normal life?

So, what's it like? What's it like standing on stage in front of thousands of people who worship the ground you walk on—including me? What's it like feeling like you're on top of the world? Is it nice? Is it enjoyable? Is it like everything the movies say it is?

I just want someone to tell me what it's like? What am I missing? Most importantly, will I ever get to experience anything normal people do?

-Byeol