Hellish Evenings

My arm felt as if it weighed 10,000 pounds, and though I continued to fight it, I felt as if I was sinking through the floor. My eyes flickered up to the radio- it was only one PM. Even when I was this tired, I could usually carry myself until 7 PM. I turned my head back towards the packet, but my eyes refused to focus.

No. I tried to pick myself up from the floor. No, no, no.

In a burst of panic I managed to get up and trudge into my room, looking for the caffeine pills I kept on my desk. My lungs threatened to sink as I sprawled my hands in search of the bottle, desperate. As nothing rattled except the papers which were spilling to the floor, I pressed my forehead against the cool wall.

My teeth threatened to crack each other as I viciously fought against my mind. I will walk until my legs buckle, I will keep going until my heart murmurs.

Of course, I knew I wouldn't be able to stand by those declarations. With each passing second, I was sinking into another world without even noticing, and somehow, I found myself laying on the ground, my eyes catching glimpses of the chaos beneath my bed, and my skin humming against the soft carpet.

And then; I was back. My plain white walls, my messy bed, the papers scattered on the floor.

Kayla.

As I picked myself off from the floor, I rubbed the carpet marks on my skin and attempted to shove down the sobs that wanted to spill from my mouth. Why was I always so sad from this dream? Why did I feel completely heartbroken? Each movement felt ghostly; like I was a phantom returning to some world I didn't belong to. Knowing that created a sense of dejection that deeply stunk my eyes, and I realized maybe I wasn't being entirely honest when I answered the questions in the packet.

Downcast, miserable- the words could go on for the feelings which were swimming within my bones, but the other thing, the bad thing. It made me wonder if I was a bad person- no, if having these thoughts and not being bothered by them, made me a bad person. Kayla- for all her kind-heartedness and acceptance- wouldn't be able to support me if I told her the entirety of the dream; of what was constantly echoing in my head.

Why hadn't I lasted until 7pm? What had I done differently? My tongue reflexively traced my teeth as the shadowy voiced repeated her name once more.

Kayla, our small fight, the soup.

Did she... do something to the soup? And my caffeine pills? I could have sworn they were on my desk...

Hot heat began to collect in my veins as betrayal stung against my eyelids, but I told myself to stay optimistic. I'm so tired all the time, I could have easily run out and forgotten to buy more- I could have misplaced them. Yet, even as I repeated that in my head thousands of times, I couldn't help but feel the voice was right. If Kayla knew the truth, she would never argue with me about sleeping. If she saw what I saw.... I shook my head. She probably thinks I'm a joke. What kind of 20 year old can't handle some bad dreams? But if she really did do something to the soup...

Slapping my cheeks lightly, I forced myself to take a deep breath. Thoughts upon thoughts were pounding against my temples, and nothing could make them go away. I just have to be strong... I bit my lip harshly.

But I can't live like this anymore.

My admission began to work itself into a familiar mantra- it's words cutting into me each second of every minute. I need help. I can't pretend for much longer. Make it stop, I'm so tired- make it stop- MAKE IT STOP. Rubbing my face, I got up and decided today I would tell her the truth.

My footsteps fell light upon my feet as I looked around the apartment, finding her nowhere to be seen. I returned to the kitchen and put away the soup bowl in the dishwasher, though it was less me doing anything, and more like my body was on autopilot. The cushions of the sofa swallowed me as I looked at the packet once more, not attempting to answer anything. Just looking at them was strange. If I'm a ghost, somehow holding onto this paper feels more real than anything I do here. Somehow the vague details of the dream feel real, even though it contains nothing based in reality.

College, socializing, grocery shopping- it's just as fogged and obscure as the premonition which has nooked itself within the crevices of my skull. A heavy breath broke through my lips. I can't live like this anymore.

My phone's ringtone whispered within the closet. I'm going to do something- anything- just something to keep my mind off of this; off of this small thing which is swallowing me whole.

I pressed my phone to my ear.

"Hello?" The line echoed my voice slightly before some ruffling sounded.

"Is this a butt-dial? he-"

"Can you hear me now?" Kayla's voice popped into my ear and my shoulders relaxed slightly.

"Yea," I chewed my lip and let my feelings sit on my tongue. "What's up?"

"I wanna help you get all this dream business out of your head for a little bit. My date stood me up so I figured we could both use a night out on the town. What do ya say?"

I could hear the slightest tremor in her voice- she knew I was smart. All the anger and fire I felt earlier choked itself out, and though I would still talk to her about it, I was so tired of everything coming back to this. This sensitivity- this intensity.

"Yea, and I wanna tell you something later."

"... Is it a good something or a bad something?" I let a laugh hush through my teeth.

"Ha- I just wanna thank you for being so supportive, ya know?" She was silent for a moment before giving me a place to meet up with her to go shopping, a way to take both of our minds off of a frustrating day.

After putting on my coat and parking down the street, we wandered around the busy town just outside our campus. The buildings clashed with the antique and new architecture styles as we walked around, the shops all crowned with old molding and lights. Even though neither of us bought much, it was relaxing to be out of the apartment and walk around a bit. Everything was lit with soft gold lighting; and with people around, the world felt so much more big that it made me believe my problems were small.

We both bought a few new coats for the autumn, and as it got colder outside, we each decided to end the night with some afternoon coffee. Kayla decided on Blue Owl Cafe and ordered something with espresso in it before going back to find us a table. Every coffee shop I had ever been in was decorated artistically, and this one was no different. After struggling to read the chalk menu hanging on the back wall, I decided on some uniquely named green tea latte. Once my tea was handed to me by a cheery barista, it was a wave of the hand that drew me back to Kayla in a secluded corner. The seating reminded me of a child's fantasy with its big cushions and fairy-lights, and I had the notion that she wanted to tell me something too.

Taking our first sips and comparing how we liked our drinks, we both were dancing around what we really wanted to talk about. I paused for a moment and relished in the warmth of my cup against my cold fingers.

"Kayla, I know you did something to the soup earlier today." I kept my voice level and soft. Part of me wished she would deny it, but I pushed through. "I know it was out of a place of kindness, but there is something I haven't told you about the dreams I've been having."

She stared into her drink deeply, her emerald eyes avoiding mine.

"There's something I haven't told you either, Ty, and I'm sorry about what I did." A couple tears slipped down her face before she wiped them away. "It's been really hard seeing you deal with this. And it's been affecting me a lot. I don't wanna seem selfish, but Ty..." She bit her lip.

"You worry me. We've been friends since high school, and I can't bear to see you like this. You should see the Stevensons." Everything stopped for a moment. I didn't know how to feel about them, even though they have been so welcoming to me. Looking at Kayla, at her stressed gaze and frazzled hair, I realized hindering the people I love is selfish. Six years of our lives- six years of her life. There were so many things I was holding her back from. Why should I accept her help if it only gets in the way of her dreams and goals? Getting help on my own would be the mature thing to do. I'll see my counselor more- I'll endure the dreams until they go away. I'll be strong. How could I blame her for just wanting me to get some sleep?

"Ok," I lied. "I'll get help." At that she let out a long breath. A thin smile tugged at the corner of my mouth, and in my mind I was already thinking about looking for a different apartment to move into. A gap in my chest cracked slightly; like the first memory I had of realizing I should have a decade of memories that had disappeared. Let me disappear too.

"You've started to make sounds at night; I think it's something you should know. That's all I wanted to tell you Ty." She grinned the same happy smile I had first seen when I met her. "What were you going to tell me?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to be optimistic.

"There are certain things about the dream I haven't told you about- but the main thing I wanted to say is that I think it has something to do with my parents- my real parents." She propped her face up on her hands.

"Even the vampires?" She had a playful tone to her voice.

"Especially the vampires," I joked. The sound of her laugh made the world seem real again. Her laugh was like hearing 'there's no essay required' to my ears.

"There are a lot of blurry details, and some of them are way more graphic and painful then I've told you, but one of them is very clear. I thought that maybe if this dream is a sort of memory turned nightmare, you would like to play detective with me, if you want to." At the word 'detective' her eyes lit up. She was majoring in forensic chemistry, I figured maybe it would take some of the heaviness off of this whole thing. If we could solve something, and there was some success, it could be a transition for both of us to go our separate, and hopefully better, ways.

"Of course! What's this detail?" I took a sip of my tea, which in all our talking, was beginning to get cold.

"There's this distinct memory of us entering a place called 'The Underground'. I remember the door front being completely black- black bricks, black wood framing- and the title and accents were painted gold. And then..." I sheepishly shook my head. "That's where the vampires come in."

Kayla chuckled again before stirring her coffee with her straw.

"You know we might not find anything right? The Underground? These details must be coming from your subconscious- and what if it's something horrible? You said they were more graphic and painful than I knew. What if there's a reason your brain has suppressed it all these years?"

"Do you think me avoiding it will make my brain's obsession with it go away? Whatever it is, I think it will be at best a good thing, and at worst a fun adventure to remember." I countered. At that she nodded in agreement.

"Doing something is better than nothing."