1 Dumb Ways to Die
Oreos...
There are some days when you crave specific food items. Sometimes it's instant noodles or fruit. Right now, strangely enough, I feel like munching on Oreos.
Heading to the store, I often find myself pondering my academic performance. With each step meeting the sidewalk pavement, there's this nagging feeling that I've forgotten something crucial, yet I can't quite recall what it might be.
Senior year, supposedly the time of my life feels like a double roundhouse to the balls. Being a high schooler sucked, and right now, it sucked even more than usual so I'll just stick to thinking about chocolate cookies with milky white cream stuffed in the middle.
Speaking of milk, it's 87% water and 13% other things like proteins, vitamins, and minerals. I stumbled upon this random fact while arguing with some guy about whether milk was male genetic material paste—yea I am not going back there again.
What started out as a quirky middle school joke for a friend had spiraled into a brain-rot-inducing debate, leaving me questioning mine and his sanity. Sometimes I wonder if the whole debate was a fever dream due to how utterly stupid the whole situation is.
"Yo Howard, if you think about it, the udders were basically the cow's private part. So in theory milk is just—"
"Are you dumb, stupid, or just dumb?" Howard interjected, cutting his friend off mid-sentence. "Just Google it, ain't no way you actually believe that milk is—"
Lost in my recollection, I hardly notice the external world around me as I stride across the street. The cacophony of my inner thoughts drowns out the blare of traffic, my focus fixated on analyzing my past argument justifying how milk is indeed not the suspicious male white liquid paste— Suddenly, a sense of impending danger prickles at the edges of my consciousness.
Icy dread grips me as I realize the truck hurtling towards me, its headlights blinding in the twilight. Time slows to a crawl as I brace for impact...
But just as the scene reaches its crescendo, reality veers off script. Instead of a bone-crushing embrace of Truck-kun, I stumble on a crack in the pavement, my foot snagging on an errant stone. With a sickening thud, my head connects with the unforgiving asphalt, stars exploding in my vision as darkness swallows me whole.
Did I seriously lose my footing from a pebble on the road at the last moment and cracked my head open just like that...? Is this my fate for trying to preach to some random bozo that milk isn't egg fertilization juice?
Fucking Bullshit...
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As the soft glow of the computer screen illuminated the dimly lit room, Kevin sat hunched over his desk, scrolling through the latest chapter of a web novel with a look of unimpressed boredom etched across his features. With each flicker of the screen, his eyes skimmed over the text, yet his expression remained unchanged, devoid of any hint of amusement or engagement.
Growing increasingly impatient, Kevin finally decided to skip all the way down to the comment section, hoping to find some redeeming qualities or perhaps a single selling point that would justify not dropping this mess of a novel.
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[D1_Yapper] Like · Reply · 2h
MC doesn't have any ambition. Any personal opinion. And just does things for the sake of doing things. For the sake of taking care of his 'wifes' that simply forced themselves on him. leep with them. He's just tolerating their existanse becasue he is too much of He doesn't even want to voice it out loud. This is the worst part about this.
He does seem pleased with his pets and taking care of them. Which is understandable to a degree, they are animals after all. But the 'wifes' bullshat is just over the top. The only point in collecting a harem is doing it becasue you feel like…See more
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Two bot scam bait and... Kevin thought to himself, shaking his head in frustration. With a quick glance at the screen, he sighed. "I am not reading all that," he muttered under his breath.
After enduring hundreds of chapters of what he could only describe as nonsense, Kevin couldn't hold back his exasperation any longer. "DAMN," he barked, his spit spewing out in all directions, his irritation palpable. "In all my years of reading, I have seen too many lazy character descriptions."
His eyes scanned the text before him, taking in the words that failed to evoke any sense of imagination. "A body of a Greek god? What the fuck am I supposed to imagine, chiseled out of granite? What does that even mean?"
"You want me to imagine a bunch of lean stone statues with small dongs, chiseled out of granite? What did granite do to deserve being written in this sorry piece of writing?"
Frustration mounting, Kevin's thoughts drifted to the absurdity of the descriptions he had encountered. On the topic of minerals, he continued, his annoyance evident. "Glass swords are perfect for temperature explicit play," he randomly mused.
As if seeking solace in something familiar, Kevin rummaged through the assortment of snacks strewn across his desk until his hand landed on a bag of spicy potato chips. With a smirk, he tore open the bag and grabbed a handful of chips. The crinkle of the bag echoed in the quiet room as he rummaged through it.
Bringing the chips to his mouth, Kevin's mind momentarily drifted to a scene from a popular anime he once watched, where a character nonchalantly ate potato chips while orchestrating grand schemes. With a wry smirk, he muttered to himself, "I'll take a potato chip and eat it!"
As he crunched down on the spicy goodness, a sudden rush of flavor engulfed his senses, momentarily distracting him from his frustrations. But as he reached for another chip, a sharp, unexpected pain pierced his throat. Panic washed over him as he struggled to breathe, the fiery spice now feeling like hot coals in his windpipe.
Coughing and gasping for air, Kevin's mind raced. How could something as mundane as eating chips turn into a life-threatening situation? He clutched at his throat, desperately trying to dislodge the offending chip.
The room spun around him as his vision blurred, and for a moment, he felt a sense of helplessness wash over him as if it was his first time taking in something big. But with a final, desperate effort, Kevin managed to expel the chip from his throat, gasping for air as he collapsed back into his chair.
"These foods are dangerous" Kevin uttered as his heart was pounding and adrenaline coursing through his veins. He couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. One minute, he was criticizing a poorly written novel, and the next, he found himself fighting for his life over a bag of potato chips.
As he caught his breath and wiped the tears from his eyes, he reached for a nearby water bottle and took a sip. Just as the cool liquid trickled down his throat, Kevin's eyes widened in horror as he suddenly began to choke.
"Fff-uckk wro-ng... pipee," Kevin coughed out, panic surging through him once again as he gasped for air, his hands trembling as he desperately tried to clear his airway before collapsing on the floor, wiggling like a fish on land. He coughed and sputtered, the water feeling like a torrential flood threatening to drown him.
The irony of this situation made him want to rage; first, nearly suffocating on a chip, and now struggling to breathe over a simple sip of water.
Despite his frantic efforts, Kevin's vision started to blur, his chest burning with agony as his body fought for oxygen. The room spun around him once more, but this time the world faded into darkness for real as his strength waned.
In his final moments, Kevin's thoughts raced, his mind flashing through memories of his life. Regrets and unfinished dreams flooded his consciousness as he succumbed to the fatal mistake of drinking water incorrectly. With his last breath, he uttered his final words.
"Motherr-f-fuckerr..."
