1 Woe is me

The first day of December was brutal for college students, believe me I should know. This morning I woke up on a mattress situated on the floor on top of a bunch of collapsed cardboard boxes. It was the best I could do, I was living on ramen and I was only a few weeks away from finally graduating and getting my diploma. I didn't feel like walking though, it was too much of a hassle.

Oh right, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Jack, that's all you really need to know it's not like we're friends or anything. After I woke up I went to the bathroom, wet my face, shaved since it was no longer no-shave November. I swear though, every time I do this I clog the drain! At least this time I used the best strategy and pressed a trash can between me and the sink this time. Now I didn't have to call the plumber! Such an amazing job, I know right?!

By the time I got dressed in my typical black turtle neck, baggy cargo jeans and some steal toe slip resistant shoes, it was about six in the morning. My nose was running, it seemed that I forgot to turn the central heating on, but that didn't matter. I wasn't going to be home for the rest of the day anyway. Clicking it on, I believed that it would get the house warm enough to at least support some life by the time I got home.

Wrapping a scarf around my neck and mouth, I grinned ear to ear and pulled on my three fall jackets and stepped outside. The first thing I did was look up towards the sky, my ears were flooded by the sound of traffic and the people talking all around me. There was snow falling, I felt its cold embrace as it flurried upon my face. Then as I looked forward, all my attention was on the man standing in front of me wearing a ski-mask. I just stared, nothing out of the ordinary here. It was a cold day and all, but I was feeling rather colder than I was just before stepping outside, a bit more damp too. Glancing down, I blinked a few times and then looked back at the man who gently began to nudge me back inside.

My hand slowly made its way up to my chests as I could feel a searing pain which began to run through my body. The shock was wearing off, I was feeling cold. I fell back on the inner step after my front door and I stumbled back before falling and hitting my head on the ground. The first thing I see, is darkness, complete darkness. It was like those times when you'd fall asleep and there was just nothing there. It was odd, no dreams, just pitch darkness. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. The coldness and warmth, dampness and pain, it all faded as if it never happened. Was this the mind protecting itself? Or am I dead?

The next thing that happened wasn't something I thought would truly happen, I was an atheist, I believed in no god. If there was a god, I was against unified religion as it ruined a large portion of my life as well as others. I saw it as nothing more than a power grab rather than a united front since no one was the same, nor followed the same beliefs. Just, when the white light surrounded me, it was weird. I was now sitting in a cushioned office chair which materialized out of now where. A silhouette started to close in on me, it looked like one of those board erasers from afar or long ink stamps with a handle, but then as it got closer, it wasn't that at all.

A desk stopped right before it could hit my knees, my eyes focused on the edge of the desk before wondering up to what looked like a humanoid figure. Every time I narrowed my vision, every time I blinked, I saw someone, something different. It was as if my own perception of reality was overlapping, it was way too disorienting. Was it a woman behind the desk? Or was this a man behind the desk? Was it both?

"Who dares look into the eyes of god?" Overlapping voices demanded an answer.

"I-I…" I could barely come up with the words to respond, I was stuttering, but then my mind suddenly regained composure. My skepticism took root and a frown seemed to permeate across my lips. "…Wait who?"

Did that strike a nerve? I swear this impossible person didn't say any words for a few hours. I couldn't say I was bored, since I was ever so entertained by the person's ever changing face and body. Was this person part of the matrix? Was I in the matrix!? Was I the chosen one!? Excited thoughts began to go through my mind until I felt a rude and uncalled for smack upside the head, my head lulling to the side slightly. "Ouch," I'd say with the most monotone voice anyone had ever heard, as if it was just an automatic response.

"God." The strange ever changing person stated with their arms crossed. Still they were the only person in sight, there were no angels, no pearly gates, nothing in the distance. He wanted to expect me, an atheist to believe he was a God? How about a fourth dimensional being instead? I'd love to live in some sort of science fantasy reality type thing, but that was beside the point.

"God?" I asked for reassurance, doubting I was losing my mind, but losing my senses.

"God," was simply stated back at me with a mocking and childish tone towards my monotone automatic response in the beginning.

"So I am…" I trailed off slightly as I folded my arms across my chest and rested my right shin against my left knee, staring at the thing across from myself.

"Dead," the being stated with a soft chuckle with overlapping voices as they leaned forward and rested their elbows on the desk, their chin resting on their entwined fingers. Now I was the one playing the dead fish, not speaking for a short while. Though probably not as long as this thing that proclaimed to be God.

"Well that was anti-climatic," I'd huff after the awkward silence and lull my head back to stare at the pitch whiteness which surrounded them in all directions. For some reason I was hoping there was a stir foam ceiling of an office, with an old shabby ceiling fan and LED lighting. Was that too much to ask for? Probably.

The God figure began to snicker, giggle, and titter away. They had finally gotten a reaction they weren't expecting? My eyes laid upon them once again, it was as if I was seeing myself in a mirror.

"So why am I here? I thought I'd be burning in hell for not reading your favorite books," my head tilted to the side with an honest sigh escaping my lips. What was with the getup anyway? An office desk? It kind of reminded him of the anime and mangas he would read in his free time at the local book store, which weren't covered in plastic.

"Reincarnation Exam." Was the only two words which left this being's mouth. As if it was something that should make sense to myself. I mean, I knew that there were religions out there that had the idea of reincarnation, but seriously, was he going to be reincarnated as a cow? I'd prefer to be a cat, though I wouldn't mind being reincarnated as a female, I always wanted to be something I wasn't.

"So, what would you like to be? A chicken or a cow?" Was the question in which God asked and I simply stared at him with a completely blank face. In the modern, no, in any world these creatures had a very bleak and short, painful life.

"Come again?" I'd ask to reaffirm what the being in front of me had just asked. It's not like he was talking gibberish, I just didn't want to choose between being a chicken, or a cow!

In the end, I had no choice but to pick cow. Chickens only lived around ten years of I remembered, or was it Turkey? Cows generally lived longer if they were bred for byproducts rather than meat. Maybe I'd be reincarnated in a country that revered cows as sacred? That'd be rather lucky, being able to graze all day.

The next thing I knew I woke up seeing the brightness of day peeking in at me through what seemed like a widening hole. Muscles all around me squeezed and pushed. I was being forced out of something like a torpedo! Was I experiencing my own birth?

My senses were overwhelmed, I could hear the voices of humans and the sounds of chatter. There were other animals around, the hissing of a cat, the barking of a dog. There was even the quacking of a duck and the annoying sound of a gobbling turkey. This didn't seem at all to be like paradise.

Sticky and covered in fluid, I found myself dropped onto the ground with the aide of foreign hands. They weren't soft, they were farmer's hands. They were used to working tools and if I wasn't mistaken, their faces looked surprised at first sight of me.

I attempted to make a sound, to talk to them, but all I could do was make a sound similar to that of a cow. No, it was the sound of a cow. I narrowed my vision the best I could, but it seemed my legs weren't able to carry my weight all just yet. After a little resting after all this, I believe I can pick myself up. So I'll just rest here.

"I am in your care," was what I wanted to say, but all they'd hear is the faint sound of a calf's call. The animals gave a slight glance toward me, was this new life so interesting to them?

I couldn't even grin in this reality. This wasn't something I was used to and it seemed like I wasn't going to be used to it for very long. The people that surrounded me were wearing rough makeshift clothes, ones you'd see hanging in a museum for medieval times.

During medieval times I definitely knew that the main use for baby cows was parchment for the bible or some rich guy's book due to the fact that the hide and skin of a cow was soft and tender. Not only that, it was extremely expensive.

Within the next thirty minutes I was standing and taking in the surroundings. What seemed to be my mother was watching me as I waltzed around aimlessly within the pen I was born in. Walking began to become second nature to myself. I could tell my fur was brown, my eyes were oddly colored though when I looked at my reflection in a broken mirror fragment near the food.

A cow with brown-black fur and red eyes. I could be worth a fortune as an irregularity, or I could be seen as a cursed beast. No wonder I was getting strange looks from the human farmers.

Looking over the handmade fence, I saw no electrical wires, not cars. There were horses, but there was no sign of this even being a modern world at all. So my original assessment of being in a medieval domain was probably correct.

Letting out a huff of air through my snout, I made my way over to what was my mother. We seemed to look at one another with a puzzling sense. Comparing out intelligence, it seemed my wits were greater than all of the animals in the pen with us. I tried writing words into the muddy straw covered floor. No one responded at all and it seemed the farmer's young daughter caught a glimpse.