79 This all-time low

Steve

I am finding it funny that I can set up a recording studio in my house all by myself and produce countless award-winning albums and technical shit like that but I cannot understand a map. I bought one to figure out where I am and where's the nearest town that had a decent mall that sold cellphone chargers. I thought holy shit, I don't need to be stuck on a deserted island to feel cut off from the rest of the world, I just need my phone to die.

Mark would laugh at me and will say this is what happens when you're on your phone too fucking much. I'm so glad he's not here to see me at this all-time low, but I also wish he was here because the boyscout would be the best guy to solve the mysteries of this map and tell me where the fuck to go.

I took a deep breath. Moron. The reason why you're lost in the middle of nowhere is because you don't want anyone to see you at this all-time low.

I stared at the blobs of green and yellow and the bands of white and if I understood it correctly, I was on the other side of the country. Which means I passed the mountain without realizing it. Surely, I would notice if I drove up and down a mountain? But no, I had just been driving.

I've been to so many places in the last ten years, but never here. There weren't any big stadiums to perform in, probably not enough teenagers. Maybe they don't even listen to pop music in this town.

Suddenly the radio started playing Lap Dance by PYD. Even in the middle of nowhere, holy crap.

Crappy radio station playlists aside, Missy would love it here. I asked her once, if you could go anywhere in the world, without worrying about your schedules or money or being recognized by anybody, where would you go? She said she would choose a place that was so quiet, you could hear the thoughts in your head. You could sit outside in the sun, and there would be no sounds of traffic or airplanes, only the soft wind rustling through the leaves on the trees. No chattering people, no screaming children. No cellphones ringing. Just peace and quiet.

Okay, maybe we won't go to this store anymore, if they insist to turn their radio on. I drove by a field before I got here. Maybe Missy would like to sit under one of the trees.

I don't know if people know how sad Missy really is. She is such a trooper, and is always showing a happy smiling face for the fans. There must have been a time when this smile was genuine. I think maybe it was when we were trainees, but back then all I was focused on was scoring higher than her in the weekly vocal evaluations. I never scored higher than her, but that's beside the point.

Of course, she smiles at me genuinely. Not always, mostly I see her brave face. Her "Oh this is our life now, we have to just make the best of it and get through the day because we wanted to be rich and famous" face. She smiles because it is expected of her. There was a time she gave up smiling and the fans were criticizing her for showing them how unhappy she was. So she started smiling again. But her real smile...

I keep thinking about that time we sang Baby I Need You at Popvaganza, and her fans and our fans were cheering us on, drowning out any booing from Tech Mech fans, and she hugged me so tightly after we ran off the stage, whispering "Thank you," a million times. When she finally pulled away from her embrace, it was to smile at me. She had been sad for so long, pretending to be happy for so long, that I was really struck by that smile, by how grateful it was, how real it was. It made me feel like I had saved her life. I will never forget it.

I can never forgive Connor for not saying anything when his fans attacked her for admitting they were in a relationship. She was so destroyed by that break up. It would have been fine if they ignored each other in public and he comforted her when no one was looking, but he ignored her even when no one was looking. As if she was nothing to him. As if he never loved her.

I tell myself that I'm not as bad as Connor because I never loved Chastity, but it doesn't work. I'm just as bad, if not worse. And this is why I couldn't bear to answer any of Missy's calls.

Maybe she has stopped calling. Yeah, maybe I should just forget about charging my phone and go look for that mountain instead.

The convenience store guy approached me again. He was holding a piece of paper. "Excuse me," he said, apologetically, as he had been all afternoon. "My daughter drew this for you." It was a hand-drawn map of roads out of their town. "This road will take you to the highway. The mall we go to is on Exit 623."

I looked around the store, it was just me and him inside. "I really appreciate this," I said, wholeheartedly. "Where is your daughter, I'd like to thank her also."

He chuckled. "She's hiding," he said. "She screamed when she saw you gas up your car and again when you went into the store. She says you're somebody famous, that you wrote her favourite song."

I looked at him, a little stunned. "Wouldn't she like an autograph or get her picture taken with me?" I asked. Fans always wanted this.

"Oh, no, she says she would die," her father laughed. "I'm sorry, but that's exactly what she said when I told her to give this to you herself. I'm sorry that I don't know who you are. I don't watch TV."

"It's fine," I said. "Thank you very much for this." I looked at the paper and saw that it was folded in half, and the map was drawn on only one side of the fold. I opened it up and saw a tiny scrawl on the inside.

"Thank you for all your music and for saving my life so many times. I hope this map helps you find your way."

Convenience store guy started to walk away and I had to call him back. "Could you ask your daughter if I could borrow her phone charger?"