38 I’m just a fool

Steve

I look at the camera lens and smile. "Hey, everyone, this is Steve from Boy Next Door."

We each have a different question to respond to for the behind the scenes interviews. Mine is to talk about the song, mainly because I was the one who wrote it. "We're shooting a music video today for our next single. It's an emotional mid-tempo song, I hope you will all enjoy it."

"Do you want to talk about what the song is about?" Mitch, the producer of X Media, asks me, off cam.

"No," I reply honestly. I know he wants to make my interview longer. I think about Missy and how she couldn't stop crying. I think about Jamie.

People around us cough awkwardly. I decide not to be that big of a jerk today, I've been a big enough jerk already. I look at the camera again and smile. "I wrote this song and it's been a while since we've done something like this. We're all working hard today. We are really looking forward to sharing it with you."

A long pause. I still smile into the camera, waiting patiently.

"Okay, cut!" Mitch has to stop there. He knew I wasn't going to say anything else. He was a good sport though, which is the nice thing about working with your fans. "Thank you, Steve."

"Thank you," I nod my head deeply towards him, almost a bow.

—

It used to be a cool question, what is your song about. I was so happy to be given the chance to write my own music that I wanted to talk about it all the time. I told journalists I write from personal experience. I told journalists I liked to listen to other people's stories and put them in my songs. I told journalists I would scribble down lines from the top of my head and keep them aside for future use, that sometimes, one song could be about two or three different people, about two or three different situations. I told journalists I loved to sing about these people because they were usually people I love.

But after a while, I didn't like how journalists and fans and the general public knew too much about me, or thought they knew too much about me, based on what they could hear from the songs I've written. After a while, the judgment from songs like Hunger and To The Moon was no longer amusing.

I didn't like that even when I said I wrote Baby I Need You for Missy, people assumed oh how sweet he is to write a hit song for his best friend. I didn't like that it's what Missy thought as well.

People read into words what they want to read. It has nothing to do with you, whether you say the truth of the song or not. So, I'm sorry, Mitch, I don't want to talk about what the song is about, thank you very much.

—

I think about Jamie.

Last night, I asked Mark why he didn't bring his car and he said Jamie brought him. And he said they heard us talking because the window was open. And I knew exactly what it was he heard.

I told Antonia I had to take Mark home to get her to leave, told her it was a scandal emergency. But Jamie refused to answer the door when we got there. Mark had a spare key but refused to give it to me. I swear if Jamie and I fell into the ocean, he would save Jamie first. He always took Jamie's side, always.

I sent him a text when I left.

~[I banged on your door for an hour. We need to talk. I couldn't stay longer because I have to finish mixing at least a working track for the shoot tomorrow. We need to talk. Please talk to me.]

He didn't even open it.

I send him a new one, while watching him walk away from me for the hundredth time today.

~[I'm a fool, Jame. I'm just a fool.]