There are many things you discover in life. Things that make sense. You just need to discover it for yourself.
One thing I discovered long ago; 'what makes me feel comfortable'. I spent most of my life in office rooms with computers. Someplace where cooling was important. Office spaces set for cool dry air. Optimal for the computers.
Brightly lit. Never gusty. Not too bright or dark.
Here today, I am some place that is supposed to be better. A remote tropical island.
The weather is fine and calm. The seas are placid and inviting. Small waves of clear water that arch out into turquoise expanse. Small bands of wispy clouds high in the sky. Small bits of sea life roil in at the shore edge. Bird caws are regular from a few that waft along the shore. Centuries of travelers would write about this experience as 'perfection'.
Here is my discovery. I am not finding it perfect.
My body adjusted to the office climate. No breezes. No mists driven off wave crests. No light sand blown like sidelong fog.
This beach on a private island is expected to be perfect. For me to tell anyone it is less than idyllic, would be to invite a slew of questions.
Bad experiences on tropical island beaches need to have a justification. Bad storms. Crashing seas. Bad smells from sea life decay. Imposing shore creatures.
So I must confront it. If I am not finding this place idyllic, I must keep it to myself.
I spent so much of my career creating the illusion of places like this. Large scale image systems that cover whole walls. Giving people climate controlled spaces with the view of interesting places.
Sitting on this beach ought to have cleared my head of everything. A fresh perspective.
My mind drags me back to the same thing. The same question.
"I am cut clean from the business I started. What do I want to do next?"
On this beach, I should be saying "This Private Island Beach Is Just What I Needed."
"Putting behind me the decade of start-up, venture capital, leveraged mergers.. only to find the big money interests had shoved me out of my business."
"I only got about a quarter of what they implied, but I am young, have capital and just need to decide what new business I should go for next."
After working so hard for so long.. working in expectation. My mind is not configured to be silent and dream. I have been solving problems at a hectic pace. That is what my brain wants. Solve the small and usual problems.
I certainly never fit in with the venture capital fund types. They would live their lives in the pursuit of self-promotion. The billionaires that grew from modest means lived self-promotion.
I worked hard and worked clever.
I know what I am good at. Do I really want that to start over? Putting aside more of my life without a family?