15 Time to Face the Truth

...Sebastian POV...

I am struggling with Kati this morning. We are supposed to be on our way to Dr. Wilson already. He wants to do some tests to see how far the cancer has spread. It will be the first time we shall see him, so Kati is beyond scared. I am trying to tell her that everything will be fine, but she is not listening to me. She is being just plain stubborn. I don't know how one tiny woman can be so impossibly difficult?

"Kati, please. I've run the bathwater. I've even put your favorite bubbles in."

"No, I'm not bathing."

"Do you want to smell?"

"No, I am not going."

"I will carry you to the bath."

"I will get back into bed."

"No, you are not."

"Try me."

So I gently lift her off the bed. She is so fragile; it feels like I am almost going to break her. But she is kicking and screaming so hard that I am finding it difficult not to drop her. And the more I plead, the worse she becomes.

"Put me down."

"Not until you in the bath."

"I can bathe myself."

"No, you can't."

"I am going to bite you."

"Then do. You are having a bath. There is no negotiating."

It's like putting a cat into water. She struggles, she moans, she tries to splash every bit of water on the floor. I don't even dare washing her hair. I gently rub a sponge over her delicate body and wash all the pain from yesterday away. When I'm done, I carry her back to the bed. She immediately jumps under the covers.

"No, you don't."

"I just did."

"You must get dressed."

"No! "

"Kati, I will go get one of my grandma's dresses."

"You won't dare."

"Try me."

"I will get dressed, but I'm not going."

"Yes, you are."

"It's not necessary."

"Yes, it is. If you don't get dressed now, I am taking you over my shoulder, and you will go like that."

"I don't have anything to wear. My favorite dress is all messed up."

I walk up to her closet and pull out a dress. I turn back around, and her eyes grow bigger. There is a smile forming that melts my heart. I knew it would be worth it. As I hand her the dress, a tear forms in her eyes

"Did you fix it?"

"I remembered the store you got the old one from; after much convincing, they delivered it."

"Thank you, Sebastian."

"Now get ready; we are going to be late."

And if I thought this would get her to get ready, then I am afraid that I have been sorely mistaken. She puts an even worse fight up than before.

"No."

"Kati. Please."

"Okay, only because you got my dress."

I stand and watch her while she is standing in front of the mirror and look at her body. You can see her hip bones clearly protruding; there is a tennis ball-sized bruise from where she walked into the kitchen counter this morning. Her beautifully sculpted stomach is gone, and you can count all the ribs in her chest. Her face is empty and hollowed in. Her eyes are black and sunken deep. I know what she is thinking.

"Kati, what's wrong?"

"How can you love me, Sebastian? Look what I look like."

"Kati, I don't love you for your body; I love you for you. The woman that has stars in her eyes, the sunshine in her smile. Her voice is gentle, and her laughter is addictive. Her touch is as soft as clouds. She is beautiful inside and out. Her fire and energy can light up a thousand candles. She is absolutely beautiful. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

I hear her breath hitch, and then she breaks out in tears. I pull her into my arms, and we stand in silence for a few moments.

After what seems like nearly forever, I finally have her in the car. Impossible is not even the word. Stubborn not near close enough. I know she is scared; I am just afraid. I would have happily gotten back with her in bed. But we both need to know what to expect. I don't want to look forward to two months and then realize that we only have one.

And as I look at her, where she is all curled up in her chair, my heart breaks into tiny pieces. I often think of what I am going through, only to remember that she is the one suffering here.

"Sebastian, is he going to hurt me?"

"No, sweety, he is here to help you."

"You are going to stay with me all the time?"

"They not taking you anywhere without me."

"I don't know if I can handle any more bad news."

"We will be okay; we are always okay."

….Kati's POV…..

Sebastian is taking me to Doctor Wilson at the hospital today. To say that I am putting up a fight is an understatement. I think he might have a few bruises from where I kicked him. It really is not funny, but all I can do is giggle at myself.

"What are you giggling about?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Perhaps the nothing where you kicked me or the one where you bit me?"

"It really was not as bad as you make it out to be."

"So what would you call this?"

"Is that where I bit you? You can see my teeth!"

I smile at Sebastian, then I fold my jersey into a pillow and lay my head against the window. He gently rests his hand on my leg and turns off the dirt road.

The drive is long and quiet; my mind is filled with all the things that can go wrong today. My worst fear is that the doctor will say that I have less time left. I don't know how much more bad news that Sebastian and I can take. He is already falling apart; he thinks that I do not notice it, but he has become really bad at hiding things. I sometimes wish that I never pulled him into this sadness, he could have lived a great life, and now I have gone and messed it all up for him.

I am scared. I don't want my life to end. I know I said that I want to make peace with things. Well, I lied, I don't. I want to live a full life with Sebastian. I want to be his wife for all the right reasons. I want to have the white picket fence and the kids that are running around in the kitchen. I do not want to die. I don't want my insides to be eaten up. I want my life and my body back again. But the only man who can tell me if I can is the man who is a doctor at the hospital that we just stopped.

Sebastian jumps out of the car and comes around to help me out of the car. Yes, that is another thing that I cannot do for myself anymore.

He laces his fingers around mine, then with his best nervous smile, he turns and looks at my pale face.

"Are you ready?"

"Sebastian, I don't think I can do this. I just can handle us getting any more bad news. He is going to take one look at me, and he will know that I am dying far sooner than I should be."

"Kati, we have to. We just need to be strong. If we can not fight for our future, then let us at least fight for today."

And with that, we walk hand in hand through the hospital doors, down the corridors to the doctor's rooms, and with every step I take, my heart does not only break for myself but also for Sebastian.

But this is too much for me, so I rip my hand away from Sebastian and start running down the corridor far away from the rooms.