10 Tears and Regrets

… Sebastian's POV…

Another lie. What am I supposed to think? Kati never used to lie to me. Does she not trust me anymore. Does she really love me as much as she said she did? My world has revolved around her for the past seven years. Was it all just smoke and mirrors? I am worth nothing if I don't have her. I love her more than life itself.

Is this really something she wants then. Should I really let go? I take my phone and send her a message again.

"Kati. I know you won't answer, but I need you to know something before I go. The first time I ever laid my eyes on you, I completely fell in love with you. I found absolutely every excuse to be in your presence. You were so beautiful, and you still are. Your smile is as warm as the sun. Your eyes twinkle like a stary night. I watched how you cried every time some boy broke your heart. My heart would fall into pieces too. I watched you grew into the woman you are today. You gave me the best years of my life. I wish that somehow I gave yours too. To find you after all these years, it's not death that rips us apart, but it is something I completely don't understand. I wish I were there. I wish you really knew how much I really love you. You are my angel; please promise me that you will always spread your wings."

I drop the phone down next to me, and there is begins all over again. I feel as they choke me and suffocate the air from my lungs. One would think by now that I would have cried myself dry, but they just keep on coming; there is no end to this pain.

… Kati's POV…

I am breaking Sebastian's heart. I am not going to say I'm not doing it on purpose cause I am. The harder I push him away, the better it is for him and for me. He will get over the hurt one day. I just don't want to die in his arms. It can only imagine how something like that changes a man. I want him to have fond memories of me; no one wants to see someone sick and dying.

He is a man with a good heart. He cares completely and loves deeply. He gives you his all, and he stays loyal by your side. He is a great friend to have and an even better boyfriend that one can ever ask for. I should have let him go all those years ago when I first got sick. He would have stood a better chance to move on. I am fearful that he is so broken now that nothing and nobody will be able to fix him.

I got a text from mom very early this morning. She said that Sebastian is frantically looking for me; he has gone all over to where he thinks I can possibly be. I want him to stop looking. I don't want to be found. This is not how this plan is supposed to work.

So I decided to message him.

"Sebastian, please don't make this any harder on yourself. Please stop looking for me."

"Kati, please tell me where you are. I refuse to stop. I will keep on looking even after the end of your life. You can't die alone. I will not allow you to."

"Please, Sebastian, let me go. If you see my limp body in your arms, it will kill you inside; you would never be the same. Don't ruin your life."

"Can I be the judge what is good for me? If I want to ruin my future, so let it be. I would rather ruin me than have regrets."

"Please, I beg you."

"No, Kati. I will not give up. I will find you. You can do whatever you want, but I won't stop."

"Sebastian, I don't love you. Please don't waste your time with me. I would never feel the same way you feel about me."

"You are lying. Don't do this. I want you to stop lying to me. This is not you. You are not this type of person. I can fix you. I will fix you. Just stop doing all of this. Seven years of love can not just end this way. You don't just wake up one morning and decide you don't love someone anymore."

I do not answer him. I burst out into tears. I have never lied to Sebastian, but all I can do lately is kill him with one lie after the other. He will not give up; he won't stop

I drop down onto the couch and scream at the top of my lungs; my voice echoes through the house. There are even birds that scatter outside from the noise.

I feel so hopeless; I really thought that Sebastian would just back off, that he respected my decisions not to be found. Why is he such a stubborn man? Guess that is one of the things that made me fall in love with him. He never gives up, no matter what. I was foolish to believe that he will just let go. Seven years is a long time, and yes, you do not wake up one day feeling that you don't love somebody any more. In fact, you wake up and realize that you loved them even more than you thought you did.

I decide to phone my sister. Sebastian does not know about her, but I am sure he is going to find out. Then he is going to be even more furious at me as what he is now. My life is a mess, and two months is not enough to fix all the damage that I have done. I am supposed to make peace and not cause havoc as far as I go.

So once my tears and racing heart has calmed down, I dial her number, and she almost immediately picks up.

"Hey, Sammy."

"Hey, Kati. It's so nice to hear from you."

"Has Sebastian been around?"

"No, but Mitchell said he was there. He told Sebastian about me."

And if I were hoping he would never find out, well, then I would be sorely mistaken. I so wished it was me that told him instead. I have just plucked at another heartstring and cut it right off.

"Oh, Sammy. This can't turn out any worse."

"What is going on?"

"I want him to leave and never look back, but he does not want to listen."

"Kati don't do this to him. That man loves you. You are selfish. You think you are doing him good, but you are not."

"You are right."

As soon as I drop my call, I get the courage together to send him a message. This will be one of the many lies that I have told in this past day. I don't know if he will be happy to hear if I am at the cabin or cross because I lied to him about where I was going. I just hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. I will do whatever it takes for the next two months to make it up to him.

"Sebastian. I am still at the cabin."

I wait for him to reply, I wait and wait. But he does not respond. I fight the urge to send him a message again. And as I curl up on the couch, my heart breaks.

Is it too late. Did I finally push him away?