16 Sprinkles of Hope

...Kati POV...

I am running as fast as I can down the corridor away from the Doctor's Rooms; as I turn around, I watch as Sebastian comes running after me. I do not want to walk into a place that is only going to cause me even more heartache than I already have. My life is ending; I do not need anyone to remind me thereof. What are a few tests going to do in any way? Tell me what I already know. I was foolish to have agreed to come here. Sebastian promised me no hospitals, and yet we find ourselves in one. I am not doing this; I don't care who says what.

But this running is not helping, I am only getting out of breath, and soon I shall collapse to the ground from exhaustion. I guess I am my own worst enemy, for I have just made myself feel even weaker than I was before. So I start to slow down, and as I look back, I see Sebastian gain his ground and come to stand next to me. Then the man has a stupid grin on his face.

"What do you find so amusing?"

"For someone that is sick, you can run quite fast."

"Or it is just you that run slowly. But you are wasting your time. I am not going to go to Dr. Wilson."

"Kati, please, just let him do a check-up if you don't want to have the tests done?

"A check-up counts as tests as well. And it does not take a Doctor to tell me what shit I look like."

Sebastian takes me gently by the arm; I can see his eyes are begging, and I know what he is thinking. He is looking for that miracle that he will not find, not today, not tomorrow, and definitely not ever. I wish he can just make peace with the process. The more time he spends in trying to make me better, the less time he has to spend with me. But let me try to tell him that, then I can see the anger and disappointment build up in his face.

But the one thing he should remember is that this is my choice. I respect his input and his concern, but ultimately I am the one who decides what happens. I know I have not told him this, but I am soon coming to the point that I am. He is pushing me to do things I do not want to do and the thing he promised that he would not ask of me either.

So I am not trying to be ugly towards him, but he needs to understand this.

"Sebastian, you promised me no hospitals; this is a hospital and the last place that I want to be in."

"Kati, we seeing a Doctor; we are not putting you in the hospital.

"I don't care, you promised me. Whether it is a hospital or Doctor, you are still bringing me where I do not want to be. There is no miracle here. The fact is there will never be one. So please, can we go home?"

"Please, Kati, Dr. Wilson looks like a good guy. Please just trust him for once. We need to know where we stand; I need to know how I still have left with you."

Now there he goes and plays that card with me. He knows that I care about his feelings and what he is going through. I know that he wants to make sure that he spends every waking moment with me. He is scared that he might forget to say 'I love you,' and it might have been the last time he could have said it to me. So much to my own horror, I agree.

"Only once, this time, only once."

"Thank you, Kati."

With that, we make our way back to the Doctor's room. I grip onto his hand so tight that I nearly squeeze all the blood from his fingers. My palms are becoming sweaty, and there is a slight tremble in my hands. As we get closer, my heart has skipped a few beats, and I can hardly breathe. It feels as if my world is crashing in, and I am falling into a deep dark hole. The second we step into the rooms, my head starts to spin, and I am close to passing out.

Sebastian sees as I am busy unraveling; he immediately sits me down, and while he brings me a glass of water, I think of all the reasons why I should run again. But before I can even ponder the ways to do it, Sebastian and Dr. Wilson comes walking up to me.

"Hey Kati, I am Dr. Wilson. The last time we saw each other, you were a bit unconscious."

"I wish I was still. Can we please get this over with? I would like to go home."

"After you then, I will explain what we shall be doing today."

"You can skip that too; remember, I have been here before."

So I follow Dr. Wilson to the most dreaded one of all the ones I need to have done; I just don't like the idea of being confined in such a small place and have this horrible machine moving over and under your body looking for something that you already know is there.

After having myself probed from one scan to another x-ray, we find ourselves standing in the Consultation Room where Dr. Wilson wants to do a physical exam, but this is where I draw the line. He has already studied my whole body; there is no way I am allowing him to go any further. We all know what my body will look like; I don't see why he needs to put me through any more shame. So all I do is take Sebastian's hand and leave the room.

"I have had enough Sebastian, I have had enough of having someone look me at the worst I shall ever be in my life. Let me at least have some of my dignity back."

"I am so sorry, Kati, please let me take you home."

With that, we leave the hospital and make our way slowly to the car. There is going to be a very long and uncomfortable silence as we find ourselves making the drive back home. But before we get into the car, Sebastian turns to look at me.

"Do you want to go get some of that ice cream that you love so much?"

"I think that might even make me forgive you for what you have put me through today."

Sebastian takes my hand in his, and we make the short walk over to the ice cream shop. If there is something this man is good with, then it is remembering all the small things that mean a lot to you. I never once told him what flavor I liked; he just kept on watching me every time I ordered. In a way, I think that Sebastian might have been in love with me for far longer than he claims.

While I wait for him to go order, I get that awful feeling of the unknown creeping into my life again. Yes, I do know that I have cancer and that I am beyond a point that I can be saved, but there is that tiny hope again that there is a miracle hiding between all those tests. Though I have learned not to get my hopes up, hope is a good thing, but it can also be your downfall. And I have fallen enough; I don't know if I even want to get up.

Then I have Sebastian standing in front of me. I have not noticed that all this time that I am crying. My mascara is run down my face, and my lipstick is smudged; I just don't understand why I put makeup on this morning. As a child who needs comfort, he hands me my scoop of chocolate caramel crunch covered in sprinkles of Oreos and tiny balls of hundreds and thousands.

And that is where we sit in silence, and once we are down and find ourselves in the car again, I turn to Sebastian.

"Now we sit and wait again."