11 Let Me be Your Reason

...Kati POV...

There has been no response from Sebastian after that last message that I sent to him. I have been lying on the couch in a little ball, crying my tears dry. Every part of her body aches.

My heart beats at a sore drum, I am missing him so much. My legs feel numb; I cannot run away from him anymore. My arms feel heavy; I need to be in his embrace. My head hurts; I cannot bear thinking of losing him. I have been a fool thinking that I can live without him. Sebastian is the glue that keeps me together; he is the one that makes me feel whole when my body is falling apart. He has loved me, and I know that he will still love me long after I am gone.

But there is another pain inside; I hurt for a completely other reason. The cancer is spreading. I can feel it. Soon I am going to start feeling really sick. My body is going to change. I am going to change it. It is time to prepare for inevitable

And after a while, I fall asleep right here on the couch. I am exhausted. But then I am awakened by someone's arms wrapping around me, lifting me up and taking me to my bed. It's Sebastian; I know the smell of his musky cologne, his warm touch, and his gentle voice.

Then I hear him softly whisper in my ear. "I've got you. You are safe."

"Thank you for coming back. I'm really sorry."

"Forget about it; it never happened. Please rest."

I peacefully fall asleep as he holds me close to him in his arms. I can hear his heartbeat pounding in his chest; he was desperately racing to get to me. And as I listen to him let out a deep breath, I know that he is relieved to have found me and even more relieved that I am still alive.

The next morning I find Sebastian in the kitchen making breakfast. I just sit and stare at him with a huge grin on my face; he is beautiful; everything about him is perfect. It really hurts to know that I would never be his wife one day.

Then he catches me staring at him, "What are you staring at?"

"Only you."

"It looks like you would rather eat me than you'd this breakfast."

"Sebastian!"

"If you blush anymore, you'd look like this tomato. It is so cute."

"Cute is you wearing that apron."

"Cute is that tiny shorts. However, do you fit in those?"

We sit down for breakfast in complete silence. We don't mention anything of what happened in the past few days. I don't know if I should. But I know that there is something that I need to talk to him about.

"Sebastian, can we talk?"

"Kati don't worry about it. I understand why you did what you did. We don't have to talk about it."

"But..."

"No buts."

"I need to tell you something."

"What is wrong?"

I look down at my plate and start to mumble as I look for the right words to say. "It has started."

"What?"

"I am getting sick."

"What do you mean? Please don't tell me it's not true. Like in sick sick?"

He pulls his hands through his hair, and I hear an awful growl escapes his lips. He has just been knocked in the face with a reality that hurts more than the pain of yesterday.

"It should not be happening. What is going on? It changes day by day. Fate is playing with our emotions; it is playing with our lives. This is just not possible."

He gets from his chair and starts to pace the kitchen floor.

"Every time we find each other, it gets ripped away. I need more time; we need more time."

Sebastian falls to his knees in front of me. He takes my hands and lays his head in my lap. He starts sobbing every single hurt and pain out of his body. Tears run down his cheeks dropping to the floor near my feet.

"Sebastian, I'm so sorry. What do we do? What can I do?"

"How can I take your pain away? How do I stop you from being eaten from the inside?"

I can see the frustration in his eyes as he so desperately tries to look for the answers.

"How am I going to stop you from getting sick? How am I going to stop you from losing your beautiful hair? How am I going to stop you from losing yourself?"

"Sebastian, I don't need saving. I just need you."

"No there is an answer; we just don't know it yet."

"Can I ask you a question? You don't need to answer."

"Anything for you."

"If I was not dying, would you have ever asked me to marry you?"

Sebastian goes quiet. I know he is shocked; he did not expect me ever to ask him something like this. How is he going to react? Will he be honest? How does he feel? Is it something that he has thought of before now? I can see there is hesitation on his face. I can see he does not find the words.

Just then, the phone rings. It's my sister, Sammy.

About two months ago, I received a call from a girl named Sammy. She had some shocking news for me. She claimed that she is my sister. It could not be, I did not have family, or so I thought. Of course, I was skeptical and did not believe her. I asked her to show me the proof. She showed up one day at my door with a box of photos and a birth certificate.

I did not know what to feel, happiness, or pain. We sat there that day going through that box, sharing stories. She was my sister on my dad's side. Mom never spoke about him that much; I thought he was dead. After that day with Sammy, I did not have much of a desire to contact him until now.

Now she is phoning and what she says next, knocks my breath away, "I have found him Kati. I have found dad."

"Where is he?"

"He is in a hospital up north."

"Is he okay?"

"No, he was in an accident about a month ago. He is in a coma."

"Are you sure you have the right person?"

"I'm so sorry."

"So much for closure then. Thank you, Sammy."

I drop the call and turn to face Sebastian. Tears start building up in my eyes. He pulls me close to him; I burst out crying, filling my heart with hurt and pain. I feel a teardrop on my cheek; it is not mine; it is Sebastian's.

"Kati, I am so sorry. I can't bear you getting hurt anymore. I wish I can bring you one day of happiness in your life."

He looks down into my eyes, searching for answers that he can not find.

"What can I do to make it happen?"

"Sebastian, I don't want anything more. It all just ends up in pain. I am making peace with my fate. I can't fight any longer."

"Please don't talk like that. You have a lot to fight for."

"What?"

"Me. You have me."

"Sebastian my time is up. You should stop trying to save me."

"I can't. I won't. I am hanging onto your hand; I will pull you out of that hole. You will not give up. I'm not allowing you to embrace the dark."

"Sebastian please, the sooner you accept it, the better it would be in the end."

"Kati, I would rather hurt than let go. Let me take your pain away. Let me take your tears away. You are the reason I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. You are the reason for anything I do."

I feel his body trembles as he begs me not to give up. This man is clinging to so much hope; he is looking for that miracle to come.

"Kati. Please let me be yours. I know I am not a perfect person. But you are the one that makes me perfect for you. I love you. Let me love you. Let me prove it to you. I want to wake up next to you for the rest of our lives."

"Sebastian, there is only two months."

"Two is just a number, don't dictate our future by it."

"I love you so so much. I wish I could give you the guarantees for our future together."

Sebastian drops to his knees on the floor; he cries, his body trembles. He looks up to me with hurt in his eyes. Gently he takes my hands into his. They are warm; they are wet from rubbing tears away from his face.

"Kati, I promised you that I would give you everything that your heart desired. If two will be your number, then let it be the number we spent it together as man and wife."

"Kati, will you please marry me?"