2 Feelings

'I was emotionless until I met you'

As a person with an illness, Yuanyuan naturally lost her ability to live on. She didn't think of commiting suicide nor was she afraid of dying. The doctors thought there was something wrong with her when they found her emotionless the next day. She...wasn't completely emotionless, she just didn't think living was living anymore.

If she could wake up the next day, it would definitely be good. Her family wouldn't cry nor would the doctors feel like a failure. She was a patient with a terminal illness. The doctors claimed survival, if she died, they would really lose face. Yuanyuan didn't care if they lose face or not, day by day...felt so bland to her.

Of course, she sometimes showed reactions when she was irritated. Her family was glad she was still 'normal' although her sense of emotions might be lower than how it should be. At the least, she didn't completely lose her emotions. Her family discovered that she wasn't passionate about living or accomplishing anything while she was still alive. They didn't plan on pushing her more than her current ability.

The emotions walked away from her that very day the old doctor claimed death to her. As a young child with a terminal illness, the one thing she didn't want to see was the devastated faces of her family. Slowly, seeing how the doctors words about her living or dying affected her family so much, she grew numb. It was funny how she was affected when the information was pointed at her parents instead of herself.

...

Not that she cared.

The very next day, she saw a young boy with a bald head running outside her room. It was something different to the plain white room. Sometimes, she would feel her head hurt because the room was all white, but seeing the boy, it didn't hurt as much as before. She felt that she wanted to talk to the boy, to have him as her friend.

That was when she found he had a terminal illness as well. The same as her! They begun to have conversations day and night, getting to know each other's names and likes. Although they proved to be quite different from each other, she knew better than believe that the difference was tearing them apart. Instead, it was bringing them in.

Slowly, she became all bones and skin. Her ribs started to show and her face became sunken. Even so, he still came by her side and smiled at her. His reason was simple, because she was his friend.

Was this what they call love?

Yuanyuan looked at the boy, his name Sammy. He used to have a nest of golden hair on his bald head but it was gone from his first treatment. Even so, Yuanyuan didn't think that he was weird, nor was he bad looking. His clear ocean blue eyes told her a lot of stories that the words could never tell. It was enough assuring Sammy that she would be alright.

It turned out that she was indeed alright, they found the terminal illness slowly leaving her as her body gained some more meat. Slowly, her cheeks became plumper and she could move freely, it was a huge miracle! But Sammy stopped coming to her room. Not anymore.

She couldn't feel anything once, thinking that the only thing she had to do was try her best to stay 'alive', but what was 'alive'? She didn't know. Was breathing, heart beating, and brain working all it was to living? If so, then she would rather not leave.

She realized that living wasn't that, but living was Sammy.

Yuanyuan looked around for Sammy until she found his hospital room. Before she could walk inside, she saw a girl dressed in extravagant clothers. She had long black hair and honey eyes. The girl had this arrogant aura around her, but she was nothing compared to Sammy. The girl looked at her with vicious eyes before leaving the hospital.

That was until she found out that the girl was Sammy's fiance by the name of Alexandra.

Yuanyuan felt her heart break, but she stayed strong for Sammy, the same as Sammy had stayed strong for her. It turned the other way around, her visiting Sammy, her bringing Sammy what he wanted from outside the hospital room. She noticed that Sammy started to look like how she was before, sunken and thin. Only skin and bones.

Would he experience the same as her?

Slowly, Alexandra who always told Yuanyuan to stay away started to disappear and she heard that Alexandra's family had broken off the engagement. It was by Alexandra's consent at that. When Yuanyuan asked her why, she just told her, "Was there a need to pin one's hopes and future to a dead person?" She said it as if she was sure that Sammy would die.

"Sammy," Yuanyuan grabbed the boy's hand, "no matter how much pain you are in, remember that I'm with you. I love you."

The boy was shocked, he immediately pleaded her to go out. Yuanyuan didn't know what was going on. She thought that Sammy would accept her. They were the bestest of friends and she could see that Sammy never liked Alexandra. Why was she getting rejected?

That was until she received a call from the hospital the very next day.

"Excuse me, am I talking to Miss Double Yuan?" the nurse looked at the words written on the envelope. Yuanyuan found it funny that the nurse called her Double Yuan, but remembering that it was a hospital nurse that was calling her, she stopped laughing and put on a serious expression. It had to be important for the church to call her. She was ready to face whatever the church had in store.

That she was about to die again? That her blood actually mutated and she might not have tomorrow to live? She was ready for it all.

"Miss Double Yuan, there is something late Mister Samuel wanted to give you," the nurse looked at the young man in front of her, who nodded, "Mister Samuel is Sam-my I suppose."

Late Mister Samuel? Sammy? Yuanyuan couldn't believe her ears. Samuel was no more? This was the day after her confession, Sammy died after she confessed to him? Yuanyuan abandoned whatever she was doing and rushed to the hospital which wasn't far from her home. She saw Mark, Sammy's brother who put on a sad face.

"He always told me, mother and father how much of a great friend you are. He told us to give you this letter," Mark pushed a white envelope with a squiggly handwriting saying 'To:Yenyen'. It was a bit funny, but it was partially her fault never telling him that her name was written as Yuanyuan and not Yenyen. It seemed that the nurse also read her name as Double Yen instead of Double Yuan.

'Yenyen, I also like you, but I'm a wimp. I have no courage to tell you. I'm writing you this letter in case I didn't make it. I didn't tell you that I will have a surgery after this, I never told you I have blood cancer. Please, don't be mad and me and continue your life. I will remember your confession to try and stay alive, but I feel that I won't be able to say that I love you back. I'm sorry, it's never your fault. Sammy.'

"...," Yuanyuan stared at the short letter. Sammy should have longer to live, he deserved to live longer... and to think that she would never get the chance to hear Sammy say that he felt the same...Yuanyuan felt so...selfish.

When the funeral came, Yuanyuan's family was invited. When the coffin was lowered, Yuanyuan just wanted to jump and open the coffin, touch Sammy's face which would be unrecognizable due to the failed surgery. She didn't care if Sammy became ugly, she didn't care if Sammy became a disabled person, forever needing the help of something to keep himself alive. She just wanted Sammy to be there for her.

She knelt by his grave, and whispered.

" You know what, I was emotionless until I met you."