1 Just a dream
I felt the shivers go down my spine after he hug me. What was this feeling? I thought to myself, I haven't felt this way in a long time. Everytime I stood next him, I felt myself begun to blush. I hope he didn't notice, so I just dropped my Head. I still wonder what is love and how it felt like. Wondering what his lips taste like. As I laid across my bed listening to Janet Jackson would you mind. I let her music, her singing invade my thoughts. I saw myself with him singing. I wanna lick you, taste you, would you mind touching me. Then all my thoughts was interpret when I heard someone knocking at my bedroom door. DAMNIT FUCKING HELL! I said to myself. Who the fuck?! I said really softly.
My shorts was half way down, I didn't even have on any underwear. I wanted to cum so bad. But I couldn't now. I rush to pull up my shorts and use hand sanitizer after I touched myself.
I opened my room door, pretending I just woke up. Oh wow! It's was my mother standing at the door. Darn it a girl can't have privacy. I thought to myself again. hi Mom I said pretending to be sleepy. Someone outside wants to meet you. Who mom? I don't feel like meeting anyone today. Well I guess you want me to tell Janet... Just before my mom could say Jackson. I hop out the bed like lighting. I ran through the hallway almost falling. When I got to the door to see Janet Jackson, I woke up out my sleep.
GODDAMN IT! "I screamed out loud" it was only fucking dream. Fuck my life, i said as I throw my nail polish at mirror breaking it. I was mad as hell that it was only a dream.
Looking at myself in the mirror I wanted to cry. I felt the tears rolls down my cheeks. I wiped it away, as I took my clothes off to take a shower.
I thought about how my first day of school would be like. Like would I make any friends? How will they treat me? I sat in the shower as the tears fall from my eye's. Why did life have to be so hard. Going to a new school is already tough as it is. At my old school the teachers and children's were nice to me. I missed my last foster Mother Sarah she was a sweet lady kind and caring she loves me for who I was. She never been a judgmental person. She has always spoken great faith to me. Sonia just be yourself. "She said to me" she knew just how to make me smile when I was having a bad day. She used her words not her hands. When I had my fits at times throwing myself on the floor just screaming and crying. She didn't yell at me. She comfort me with love. She lift me up and held me to her as I cried in her arms.
SONIA WAKE THE HELL UP YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATER FOR YOUR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THAT BATHROOM. Sonia didn't hear her mother calling to her. She was too busy of having flashbacks of her first foster Mother. That she truly missed. More tears fall from Sonia eye's as she pulled her knees to her chin. Again her mother called out. BRING YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND BEAT YOUR ASS. Sonia snapped out of her thoughts as her body begun to shivers in fear. But mother I still have time. That's why got up extra early it's not time at mother. I KNOW YOUR ASS DIDN'T JUST TALK BACK TO ME!! Mother shouted so loud that it made me jump. I almost felt my heart leaped from my chest out my throat. I didn't even talked back to her. Why did God put me with this lady? Why couldn't my last foster Mother sister accepted me into her house? Why she didn't like children's? I mean was there something wrong with me? I got quiet as mother yelled and screamed at me. Her voice echo through out the house. I wonder if china could hear her. Her footsteps sounded like a stampede as she walked up the stairs. At that moment I wanted to drown myself end my life so it can be done and over with. Everything was just falling apart. And here I am about to get my butt beat again. Next thing I knew the doors being slammed open and there was mother staring at me. She always tells me I can put more fear into you then God can. I saw my new foster Mother as Satan herself. I kept my knees to my chin as I prayed to myself while holding the cross in front of me pointing it at my foster mother. But she just slapped it outta my hand. And beat me in the tub. She held me down as the water from the shower head was still falling upon me. I felt myself being choked and at the moment my body couldn't move. I was stuck. I tried reaching for the cross. But she kept holding me down. She then picked me up out the tub and dragged me to the bed. She climbed on top of my naked body beating me. I was suffocating the air around me was leaving me. I felt as if my soul was being pulled away. But I couldn't give up I just couldn't. As I got up I saw myself looking at me. I'm dreaming what is this that's holding me down.
OH LORD HELP ME!! I Screamed out into my mind. JESUS SAVE ME SAVE ME JESUS!! I screamed again. Then after awhile I felt the black shadow leaving me. I jumped up out my sleep shaking and sweating. It was only a dream it was just a dream. Thank you Lord from saving me. My heart was beating fast. I got out my bed slowly and went to the bathroom I washed my face multiple times trying not to think about what just happen. I came out the bathroom and went to go check the Calendar. I had another whole 2 weeks before school started. So I ease my way down the stairs to go to the kitchen. After having a bad dream like this. I needed some water. I needed to cool off. My body was still shaking. Why am I being attacked like this? Then I heard my last Foster mother tell me. This is a war cry. I'm going through a warfare. Only fear the Lord your God. He will never leave you or forsaken you. I took a deep breath and felt myself begin to calm down. I started to hum, I've got, got the victory
I've got the sweet, sweet victory in Jesus. I love that song by Yolanda Adams she's amazing singer. My other foster mother Sarah used to sit me in her lap and she used to sing that song to me all the time as I leaned my head against her. What amazing mother you are. We'll be together for ever at least that what I thought.
What the hell are you doing up? Mother I'm sorry I was getting water I couldn't sleep please don't get mad. You got 1 second to get back to your room. I can't get to my room and 1 second but I tried. I ran to the stairs as fast as I could. But I couldn't make it. Mother tripped me as I fell and hit my face on the stairs. Didn't I tell your ass not to come out that room? Yes ma'am, but I........ Don't but I me I don't wanna hear it. And now I'm going to beat and kick your ass back up those stairs to your room. And she did just that. I cried all the way up those stairs as she kicked and beat me. You will be glad and thank me one day that I'm doing this to you. You will appreciate what I done to you and for you. Thank me now Sonia. Thank you MOTHER!! I yelled out in tears. But she just beat me again and leaving bruise on my face, back, arms, and legs. I was sore but I guess this what happens when you a bad girl and don't listen I deserve every thing that is happening to me. I pulled the cover over me I laid there and cried myself to sleep. I fell into a deep sleep and this time dreaming something beautiful something I didn't wanna wake up from. I wanted to stay in this. It was like my own Neverland world. I ran through a field of butterflies as they flew around me. The field was made of Lillie's. Just like the Lilly in the valley. I could last here forever I ran through the fields as I came to a golden road. It was made of real gold so beautiful and shiny. As I ran again I came across a river. I called it the river of Jordan. I laid by that river as I watched the reflection of my face in the water. What a beauty you are. I smiled as I close my eyes thinking about the beautiful Lillie's and how the beautiful fields smell of sweet flowers I just can taste it on my lips. Then it was over after I woke up. I tried so to close my eye's Again so I could go back to that to place. It felt so real to be a dream. I didn't wanna wake up. Maybe I can dream it again I thought to myself. I rubbed my eyes and sat up on my bed looking around I got up almost tripping over my own two feet. But I made it to the window and open the curtains. What a beautiful day? Looking at all the things that God made. I got on my knees and prayed at the window while letting the sun hit my face. A smile came across my face. I feel so much better once I prayed. After I was finish I got up to take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and brush my hair. I do this all within 30 minutes. I normally try leaving the house before mother wakes up. And that just what I did. I took my morning walk alone just like every morning when I wake up. I do this to thank God I do this to show my appreciation no matter how bad life seems to get. But today I decided to do something different. And you might being wondering what I mean by that. So I'm going to tell you.
My normal day of every morning is to pray by the open window and leave before mother awakes . It's to avoid from getting beat for no reason. So I leave early. Then I go feed the birds at the park then after I'll go to the library and spend the whole day there. But this time I decided to take a train to see my first foster Mother I wonder if she'll be happy to see me. Or will see even remember me? The last time I seen her I was just a child. Only 7 years old when I cried in her arms begging her to keep me. take a deep breath Sonia you're do just fine. Then after I'm going to look for my old friends I use to hang out with. This is going to be my whole new routine to do. It's time to change up and there no harm into that right? Sitting on the benches feeding the birds as they got closer to me. Hey little birdy hey hey hey. I love singing this to the birds when I'm feeding them. Maybe while I'm on the other side of town. I can take my last foster Mother out to eat. This going to be amazing. I then got up and ran to the train station. Just in time I made it. I'm so glad.
Hey sweetie where will you be heading to? East side of town. I said to the guy. And where would that be little lady? You have to give me an area. Oh I'm sorry sir. I was beginning to feel nervous as if I wanted to cry. P please don't be mad at me. Calm down sweetheart nobody mad. To Dover line otta park please. You know the blessed town people. I heard that many miracles and blessing happen there. I couldn't help but smile. The guy talked so sweet to me. His voice sounded so angelic. Thank you so much sir. I said as I walked unto the train and sat in my seat. This is my first time being on a train it was a smooth ride and very relaxing. Hey don't I know you? (I looked up) I don't think so. May I ask who are you? Sure only if I can sit next to you. Sure I don't mind. Watching the girl as she sat next to me. I was wondering how she knew me. But I wanted to let her tell me first. I'm Keiko Yuri, "And let me guess" you're Sonia Jaxnson. How did you know that? I never couldn't forget an old friend face. We when to the same private school. I met you on your last day there. You were crying. Because you didn't wanna leave your foster Mother. All the teachers and students were sad to see you leave. I'm sorry I don't remember you. I wish I could But I don't. It's fine girl. We should hang out. I mean if that's ok with you Sonia. That would be so awesome I'll love that. But first I have to find my first foster Mother I really wanna see her. You know it's against the rules to do that? I know but I can't help myself I need to see her. Things changed so much in my life. For the best? No Keiko for the worst. Oh no, do you want to talk about it? No not really there's so much happening right now I rather not. Its just best if I keep it to myself. You know Sonia sometimes it's best to talk about your feeling. No I'm fine and besides no one wouldn't really care about it anyways. I care Sonia I just want you to know that. Thank you Keiko I really appreciate that. No need to thank me. When I looked at the time. It was almost 2 p.m. one more hour to go I thought to myself and I'll be on my way to my old Foster mother house. Well at least her sister house. I found the information to find her. It took me forever but I did. I just can't wait to see her. I need help really bad and maybe she can help me. I mean she's my only hope. Please dear God let this work. Keiko wouldn't stop staring at me. But my eyes was becoming heavy as I fell the sleep with my head leaning against the window and Keiko gently laid my head on her shoulders. As she put her soft blanket over me. I really do wish I could remember her. But I just couldn't. So I just the sleep invade my thoughts. While I can dream more beautiful dreams. Seems like the ride was lasting longer then it was supposed to. But it was just fine and I'm not going to complain about it. This sleep was something I really needed.
Where the hell is Sonia? I swear when I find her I'm going to be her ass she no better then to this. I looked everywhere for Sonia. She wasn't at Library and neither was she at the park feeding the birds. Where could she had gone to? I wasn't going to keep looking for her . She just better believe when she gets back here. I'm going to beat her till I can't beat her anymore. And with the say of that I went home. Once I got home I walked up to Sonia room and notice she been getting information about her last foster mother. I'll make sure she doesn't mess up my reputation.
An hour later I got off the train with Keiko she showed me the awesome places everything looked different from when I was 7 years old accept for the Icecream shop it still looked the same from when last foster mother use to take me. Want we go to the icecream shop over there. Maybe you just might see Sarah. Yeah you're right Keiko and besides this would been the day she would bring me here. Keiko and I walked across the streets as it brought all the memories back when Sarah use to bring me here as she hold my hand and the icecream shop and letting me get whatever I wanted. Then she would kiss me on the cheeks and telling me how of amazing daughter I am. She might not even remember who I am. What if I don't remember how she looks like? What if I forgotten or what if she forgotten? All these thoughts was running through my mind like crazy. I could even feel my heart racing fast. I didn't even realize that Keiko and I was already into the icecream shop. Until she said something to me.
SONIA!!! Didn't you hear what I said? No I'm sorry what did you say? I was saying we made it in already. Oh awesome that's cool. Yup something wrong Sonia I can feel it. What is it? It just that this place bring back so much memories. Hey do you mind if I sit over there by the window? Nah I don't mind, do you want me to sit over there with you? No I need a second at this table along. Oh ok, I understand. I hope you not mad at me. No girl why Would I be? No reason I'm just asking. I smiled at Keiko as she walked out the icecream shop. She was talking to another girl. I then laid my head back on the table trying to recollect all the memories from what my last foster Mother Sarah and I talked about. Just remember Sonia remember please remember. It was only 9 years ago when we talked and 9 years ago when she had to give me up because her sister didn't like children's and especially me. Oh how I really wish she could've kept me but she just couldn't.
Flashbacks:
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Come on Sonia we got to hurry up. I'm coming mama. I love calling you mama.
I know you do sweetheart. Have you found your shoes at? I got them mama. Can you help me put them on please? Sure baby girl. After mama helped me put on my shoes. She took me by the hand and walked outside with me. She prayed too before we left. I love taking walks with mama. Look what God made. She would stand by the tree and smile. God made the trees mama. Then she move slowly to the birds and they would fly off. Look what God made. The birds mama I said in a cheerful voice. God made the sky too mama and the grass and bugs mama. Yes he did baby girl, and do you know what else he made ? You and I mama? He gave you to me mama. Mama smiled and nod her head as she took me by the hand and walked some more.
Flashbacks over
I still had my head on the table as a tear roll down my cheeks I didn't even looked up to see if Keiko had came back in.
What a nice spot to sit at. I once had a foster daughter who use to sit right here with me. I looked up at the lady. And just stayed quiet. Pretty girls shouldn't be crying. You're very beautiful to be crying like that. Here let me. She wiped the tears from my eyes. As she smiled at me. Mama Sarah is that you? I looked up at her and hoping that she would say yes. But she just kept looking at me over and over again. Oh please tell me you Sarah. I know you are. I cried as I put my arms around her. Sonia is that you baby? Yes ma'am it's me. Oh Lord my Lord I thought I'll never see you again. She hugged me back. On how I wish I could adopt you all over again. Please can you? Take me back please just take me back. I need you mama. Oh honey but I can't. I want to so bad. But this old mama is getting to old now and my sister Still taking care of me. Mama if you take me back I'll take care of you. Please accepted me back. I had already accepted you baby girl. Don't you know that. They won't let me adopt you again. Oh mama I don't wanna go back. Please keep me. Oh sweetie I really wish I could. I turned away about to walk out. I came here for nothing just to get turn down by you. Mama grabbed my arms and hank me to her. Mama?! Don't you dare to talk to me like that again Sonia. I love you so much. But you will still show me the same respect as you did when you were 7 years old. I cried into mama arms as more tears came from my eye's. Please keep me again. Sonia God will not put no more on you if you couldn't bare it. Someone strong and younger then I am will rescue you. You just got to keep the faith my dear. I'm up an age now and my sister and I will be put in a nursing home soon. Remember what I had always taught you. Never to give up. Don't make yourself the victim because you are Victorious. You are a winner you are a conquer a fighter. A warrior of the Lord. Mama had always knew just what to say. I smiled a little as she held me close to her. I love her hugs she always knew just how to calm me down. Now let's go get some icecream just like old times. This time it'll be different I'll buy you the icecream mama. I brought our favorite we sit at the table and ate our icecream. After that we walked around just like old time sake. I really had lost track of time. But it didn't matter because I was spending time with my first foster Mother. At the moment it didn't even matter to me that I'll get my butt beat later from coming back late. I just didn't wanted it to all end so soon. I was having fun at this giving moment in time. And I wasn't going to let nothing take that away from us. We laughed and talk and laughed some more. Are you ready for school? No ma'am I'm not. It's very overwhelming and I'm scared. I wish I was still with you. I miss my old friends and teachers. I know you do but you got to walk by faith and not fear. Yes ma'am I know. I want you to keep your head up and show them who's bad and you better stand firm Sonia because what you going to go through. It going to hit you hard. You got to remember to stay prayed up. Yes ma'am I understand and I'll try hard not to forget. You know Sonia I'm so glad you came to visit me. I was really thinking of you. Me too. Mama ? What's is it Sonia? Can I still call you mama even if you not my foster mother anymore? Sure baby girl, you didn't have to ask me that. I ran to mama and hugged her I stayed like that for a long time as she embraced me. Showing me lots of love. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And at this moment I really felt love and this is how she always made me feel. I smiled from ear to ear. Mama? Yes baby girl? I love when she calls me baby girl it makes me feel so warm inside. Can I walk with you home mama? Just for the old time sake. I'll love that baby girl. You such a sweetheart and I want you to stay like that no matter what. Yes ma'am I'll try to. Mama held me by the hand as we walked along the little path way. The sun was beginning to go down. It was a beautiful site to see. Mama look what God made. As I pointed up. I saw the smile across her lips. You Still remember. Of course I do mama I could never forget that. Mama looked at me. God made the sun going down. We played that game till I got her back all the way to her sister house. I helped mother in the house. I even helped guided her to her bedroom. I helped as she helped me when I was a child. Oh dear you don't have to do all this. No mama I want to and beside I love helping you and spending a little more extra time with you before I leave. You can't keep helping this old lady forever. Oh stop that mama you aren't old. Oh baby girl I feel like I am. Well you're not. You still very young and beautiful. You'll get well again and be back on your feet. My faith is already healing me Sonia. I'll never give up. I smiled again as I helped mama with her bath water I even helped her in and after I helped dried her off. Her clothes was already laid out that I picked out for her. After helping mama get dressed I went into the kitchen and made her some tea just the way she liked it. After I was all done I gave mama a kiss and telling her how much I love her. Then after I left I met back up Keiko. I was so amazed that she was still waiting on me.
Hey Sonia I'm so glad you found your first foster Mother. Thank you Keiko it was so much fun and amazing just to spend time with her. It brought some of the best memories back. I guess I'll see you again? Yes Sonia you will. Sooner then you think. Bye Sonia see you around. I waved as I ran to go catch my last train. I made it! Oh thank God. I sit in my seat on the long way back to my house. I knew at that moment my butt going to be beat. I signed deeply to myself. 3 hours later I was off the train and walking back to the house. It took an extra 30 minute walk. But when I got in mother grabbed me by the throat and choked slammed me hard to the floor. I told your ass to be back. Didn't I ? No mother you didn't. Mother beat me again and again. You think that women is better then me? I laid on the floor hurt and all I could do was just nodded my head. After that I was kicked in the side until I passed out. Little brat you will learn how to respect me and my place. With that she left me on the floor and went to bed and this time it wasn't just a dream. It was my reality My life and how I live now. But at the end of the day I will win.
