everything is black
Back again, back to the same loop again, back to where I started nothing has changed the same me the Same shit but a different day and time, I don't know where to begin or where to go or where to stand it's just everything is gloomy and dark i see the light and the hope at very end of the road but I'm too pathetic to move forward or to start , I know my destination and I know the plan and remember all the instructions but I don't wanna take action, why? I'll just say I don't either it's maybe simply because I lost passion.
I'm (James) by the way and I'm telling my story in this book hoping that I can find hope from it I'm desperate to find meaning to this book more than anyone who's going to read it but I hope you find hope from this little window of hope that I'm hoping to find hope from it .
I set there at my regular bar that I go to it was a simple old place called (Frank's bar) I was looking through the glass of the whiskey that i was holding with my hand and just observing it like it's the most interesting thing in the world seeing the cube that was inside the cup moving around while moving my hand and seeing how the liquid danced inside the glass just looking at the simple details of this bar through the glass is like seeing the world from another view i saw the poeple chatting around and poeple dancing lights with different colors and chairs, tables I'm observing everything through that glass of drink that I was holding and while doing that it made me think that life is easy and you shape it with what you desire you could be anything and do anything but it's just humans like to complicate things, the idea is just by looking through that cup made see what's surrounding me with a different view so what if we had the complete freedom to be and to do whatever we want in life what could we have done.
Shit I'm drunk I just know when I'm drunk I become this philosophical anyway I'm going to head home I got out of the bar and I feelt really drunk and sleepy and emotional I was crying again shit I'm crying I opened the door of the bar and went out , I felt the breeze of gold hitting my face.
"oh it's actually raining"
that's great another sad thing i was still crying and walking in the rain and that made even worst .
"Now somebody Tell me what the fuck I'm going to do where are all the stupid shitty poeple who keep blabbering with their opinion all pretending they know about life more than you, where's those friends that they promise that they never going to leave me , where are my dreams that I was chasing with every drop of sweat from my forhead why they disappeared why everyone is gone where are all your promises you pieces of shit , where's my promise to myself that I'm going to be better now everything just disband me"
that was me shouting in the middle of the street or I'll rather see the other me after that the other me passed out and didn't remember the last part of screaming outside but I remember it because I know better than him in fact I better person than him I just wanna kill him one day and then be relieved.