1 Clara's Sorrow

The sky had begun to turn into a dark shade of blue as I walked out of the local library where I worked. The cool breeze sent a shiver up my spine as if it were trying to provoke me into fighting it. The sound of the wind whirled around me as if I were being wrapped in a paper thin blanket of ice. The season seemed like winter, however, I moved to this little town in the start of spring as a means of escape for some peace and quiet a few weeks ago.

I wanted to get away from everything and everyone who I had ever truly known. I couldn't help but feel trapped within an intricately made hell specifically meant for me. My mind had not been the same ever since I found my soon-to-be  fiance in bed with not only another woman, but, my best friend since high school, Jen.

"What a jerk.. " I mumbled through my teeth as I reached for my phone,

[11:27 pm]

My phone's battery gave way a second later as the screen faded with a recharge logo in place at the center.  

I lived only a few blocks away so I walked home every night. I have a car, though, it's not a good idea to drive when my mind is not in a good place. I put away my phone and continued walking against the freezing wind. My hands had gone numb, however, it no longer seemed to bother me as the simple gesture of even blowing onto them seemed pointless.

The glowing light from the street lamps made the night conspicuous with pitch black shadows and mysterious noises that would make a sane person rush home. I continued walking under the folly of the passing lights with a shaken posture as I took my time I getting home. I then came upon a clearing and stopped to admire the full coat of white in the distance.

Powdered pine trees with a large coating of snow from winter, hung low to the ground from the massive branches. Standing motionless and completely still, I simply stood admiring the scenery for a short while as I suddenly began reminiscing of the old days I lived through high school with my best friend and fiance.

~

"Hey! You ask John to go out with you yet? "

Covering Jens mouth as I blushed out of my crush still being embarrassing and a secret, she smiled as she looked at me with ease.

"Not so loud! "

"Eh… you are a senior now and yet, you still act like a little kid… How cute! "

Exhausting a slight breath, she smiled when John appeared before me with an awkward smile as he handed me a love letter along with his confession.

~

The sound of a horn priced through the air, snapping me out of my trance as a baby deer ran across the road and passed me while heading into the woods.

After collecting myself, the street had gone silent once again as the car had drifted into the dark. The humming and howling of the wind gave off a shuddering echo. It had been a while since I could remember the last time I had gone camping as I would often find myself thinking of my past whenever I pass the nearby forest. I used to be a person who loved the outdoors. Anger and disgust, my anxiety had final say when I came to the realization that this wasn't the same life I held just a few months ago.

The aching sorrow of my previous life took hold over me. All while giving my best to remain unfazed and strong for the people I still cared about. It became more and more difficult as I would indirectly hurt my family when I couldn't snap out of my depression.

I then decided that the best course of action was to move away and take my problems with me in order to protect the ones I can still love. To go somewhere where everyone who ever knew me would never see what I have become until I resolve the hole in my heart. Somewhere where Clara Clearheart, did not exist to hurt anyone else as I changed my name to Tessa Valendra.

~

For the first few weeks upon arriving in this little town, I cried myself to sleep and woke to the sound of birds and animals chirping just outside my apartment before the peak of sunrise. I close the blinds and get ready to pick up where I left off in my sorrow. However, it never comes and I have been this way for a while now ever since that day. Every day just seems like a dreadful dream that goes nowhere and repeats itself endlessly.

~

Earlier this morning, I woke up while clearing my tears away from my flushed face. The same pit in my stomach in constant pain, spoke out as if we had been apart for years, however, it had only been a few hours until it suddenly appears as it let me know it wasn't going anywhere any time soon. So, I wait for the pain to pick up as it does every day, but it never comes until I lower my guard and experience it in full force.

As a result, I dreadfully get ready for work after taking an assortment of pills to handle my depression. Lying awake, I wait for hours before I am able to head in for work.

~

The nostalgic sound of natures cry brings me back to the present cold as I continue to walk only needing to pass one more block until I reach my apartment. The street I live on is relatively new as it was recently added to the town. The woods are on one side of the road while as the new added apartments were ekn the other to give it a modernized feel.

There were a few old homes down the road from the new apartments at the end of the street. In a home at the edge of the street, lives a mature woman whom I bumped into a week after I moved here while at the store and offered me spiritual help. Her name was Chelsea and she was one who cared for broken things. I declined her offer to help and gave her a false, crooked smile that everything was okay. All the while, she looked at me as if she could see right through me disguise.

Tirnkng my key as I had finally made it to my door, I opened it with unsteady hands and walked inside while closing the door behind me. My room was far at the end, staring out at an endless sea of white powdered pines spanning back for miles. Leaving the door to the room open, I turn to face my living room. All the while, I stared at my dark blue couch as it had been untouched since last week when I got drunk and passed out for an entire day.

The cushions had the same impression that indicated a puddle of dried up vomit after I tried to wash it off, but gave up trying to clean it halfway. I then just left it just so I can remind myself not to do it again.

Kicking off my shoes effortlessly, I wandered around the kitchen looking for something edible to eat. The last time I bought groceries was about a week ago. I go through most of the empty cabinets and shelves until I find a bag of beef jerky in a drawer. Along with a bottled water from the fridge, I took my dinner to my bedroom as I plugged my phone into its charger and sat down on the edge of my soft, queen size bed I never use. I had not slept on it as it brings back unpleasant memories about my ex-fiance and ex-bestie.

Having grown accustomed to sleeping on the floor, I wrap myself with multiple layers of thick blankets and used a fluffy white sweater as my pillow. I used to own a flat screen in my room that I didn't use, so I donated it to a charity. The space that once held my TV, now leaves a dim square of dust where it was once held. While leaving everything I owned back in New York, I only brought what little I could that reminded me of my life there. Instead, I left almost everything back home.

The only thing I brought with me was a turtle dove I got from my dad on the day I left to be on my own as a late present for my wedding. He pleaded with me to stay, saying my whole life was there. I said nothing, however, he somehow knew I was going to go through with it no matter what. He reached into his pocket and took out a white turtle dove, handing it to me, I knew it was the very same one my grandmother gave to my mother for her wedding as I remember hearing the day she and my dad tied the knot.

Looking at it, I fully understood why he was giving me the turtle dove as I began to hold back my tears. Quickly, I ended up hugging him for what seemed to be hours, but was actually a few minutes. It was possible it would be for the last time. I got into my car and I pulled away, all while looking back in the rear view mirror as I saw him on the sidewalk, wiping his eyes with his wrist.

~

The sound of my phone turning back on, returned me to the present. My breath wreaked horribly of beef as I got up and put away the leftover jerky in the kitchen cabinet as I made my way to the restroom to brush my teeth.

The light from the bathroom instantly came on and as my eyes adjusted to the bright light, I began to brush my teeth. My reflection on the broken mirror showed more than I could bare as the fragments reminded me of how fragile I truly was.

The strong LED light illuminated my every blemish, my saddening eyes that had already been too exhausted of crying. Looking at my hair as I have no longer anynneed to style it, hung wildly on my head.

Instinctively, I tried to cry just to get it over with, but it never comes and I think about what could have been as I realize I still can't get over it. I shrug it off and head back to my room. I walk over to the glass door that leads to a small balcony and say nothing while I stare out into the dark, gloomy forest. I set up my makeshift bed to face out into the night as I had spent hours weeping, forcefully trying to make myself get some sleep. Instead, I just roam around my apartment and bring back certain memories from my childhood as I think to the last time I was ever genuinely happy.

I finally lay down and cover myself with the blankets, until I hear the cries of wolves far in the distance. Every time I finally decide to lay down, the howling Friday wolves off in the distance begins and I silently fall into the rhythm of counting the many times I hear a different howl coming from an individual wolf. Almost always before I daze off, the howling stops and I willingly go to sleep, but for the past two nights, they continue, almost as if they were howling as if they had experienced the same sadness I have.

"Heartache comes for even them… how tragic… "

Closing the glass door, I layed down and closed my eyes as I prayed I would have a restful nights sleep... Knowing all the while, I would only end up repeating the cycle the next day.

That is, until the very same forest I hear the longing cries, ended up responding to my longing heart. As a result, what came by morning, was unexpected to not only me, but, to the sleepy little town where I now live. It would prove to present itself as the beginning of a new, joy filled life, or... A cold breeze that passed out of the need of a whim and return me back into my depressing world.

All the while, that night, I slept soundly for the first time in months as I thought of my dwar mother who had passed away years before.

I awoke in the middle of the night and felt the need to head out into my balcony. Staring down at the foot off the forest, there, I gasped as tears fell down my fave and hit the ground louder than any rocket packed explosion as I stared at the glistenknh fave of my dead mother while five, snow colored wolves stood on either side of her.

With a soft smile, she raised her hand as if telling me to go to...

Leaving the white, turtle dove over the balcony railing, I walked above the snow as I took her hand and was taken into the vast forest.

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