11 10

I decided to take a look in the book. It's title was in some short of latin so i didn't understand it, but somehow the content was in english.

The book was divided into four sections : spells, rituals, potions and future telling. As i saw, for the spells you needed a wand and i had none, for potions you needed things like frog eyes, never-breathen-air, unicorn hair, etc. and for fortune telling you needed a crystal ball / Incense / tarrot or oracle cards/ a cup of tea with tea leaves or stuff like that. So i was only left with rituals. Anyways they were the ones who got my attention first.

I taked a look inside the ritual section and than just closed the book and putted it back in the backpack. It was enough weirdness for a day.

****************

Cam didn't come back the next hours.

Or days.

Or weeks.

Or months.

Multiple months - mabye even years, who knows - have passed since the dreamaros stealed us and i still wasn't knowing what power do i have.

I started going mad day by day. Here are some pages of my dairy so you can know how my mental state was going :

Day 24

Cam didn't come back today either. We can't go and visit him (if he is still alive, i still think the dreamaros killed him), we are only allowed to stay in our room. It's okay tho, we have bathroom with a shower and a bathtub, food, new books and clothes every week, a lot of board games, a secret room that we just discovered with practically everything we want and a lot of other stuff.

It's really nice in here but i started being bored just with Jo even if she telled me a lot of things that i wanted to know (things we both wanted to know actually) , so i created a few imaginary characters : first is Maddison, a rich and popular girl that helps me in choosing my oufit, second is Cy, a nice Chinese girl that tells me a lot of interesting stuff that i would never even think about, than Mikey wich is really funny and tells a lot of jokes. I have more, but i would need about 10 pages to describe them all and i don't really remember them... Anyways, you got the ideea, they are all nice and funny girls. Dear dairy, i would write more, but Johanna just commed in and she teases me about you. Sorry...

- Mary, your sweet narator

Day 125

I just decided that is possible having a dead soul. This means not reacting anymore, feeling that you will never reach your goals, being afraid of seeing pepole because you know they will judge you by any way they can, not eating for days, the only thing you can feel is pain and sadness, having no tears left to cry, not being able to sleep because of the fear of the future, needing to imagine that you had somebody to be able to talk a whole conversation whitout needing to lie that i am okay, just feeling worthless, having nobody on they're side, feeling...

Dead...

This is what i think having a dead soul means.

A soul that is swimming in an ocean of tears, pain, depression and anxiety.

A soul like mine.

I tried to kill myself multiple times,and now there are some things that i am forbidding myself, so i could stay alive - not for me, for Johanna. First, there is never looking at the cabinet under the sink, because if i do i will probably take the bleach out of there and just drink it like it's water. Second there is always asking the dreamaros to bring Chinese sticks or however they are called instead of forks and knives.

I couldn't even talk to Johanna, she always lefted the room to meet with Cam in "They're secret room".

I still have my imaginary friends, but now they are others; a boy that looks like one of my favorite actors wich always listens to me and what i have to tell and always seems to understand how is it like, my old best friend wich tries to cheer me up by doing random things be extremely funny, even tho i never laugh, a happy me, for no reason, and a lot of personalities of me, depending on how i feel. Mostly is the one dressed in black clothes with it's face covered by a hood, trying to make me more depressed than i already feel. But i think that is impossible anyways.

Today i throwed all the romance books i had out the window. The characters were too happy. We never have happy endings. We never find love like this. That are just words that give you a fake thin wire of hope. So i got rid of them. As same i did with my bright-coulored clothes. Life isn't pink and we are just lying if we say it is. Just admit this and let's end this discussion.

- the one that hopes she was dead, Mary.

*******

And in this mental state i continued for hundreds of days. They all had almost the same content and words, except for a few little changes. I was sick and looked like a dead corpse, white with pale blue lips, marble-color face, empty eyes and cold skin. If you would see me asleep you would think i am dead.

Anyways, as i said, Johanna keept leaving and Cam wasn't coming back, so i got lonley until the state of madness. Only a wonder could save me from that state. And it did...