22 Chapter 19 – Eternally Alone (Finale)
The evening played out perfectly, the troubled events from the past becoming more un-towards a distant memory. Even Jenna's slightly awkward referral of Eve's previous run-in with Ronnie was dealt with awe-inspiring masterful tact; Jenna eventually agreeing to act as a mediator between Eve, Ronnie and Mia.
The sudden feeling of exhaustion struck like a brick hurled through the encroaching black of night. Whilst Jenna and Eve remained temporarily engrossed in the sacred female tradition of flowing yet (most likely), pointless gossip from just beyond the front door; The unforeseeable weariness caused me to collapse in somewhat dramatic fashion upon the couch. Allowing my eyelids to slide to a close (whilst remaining consciously awake), provided a precious few moments to collect my thoughts.
The emotionally charged experiences and events occurring over the past few months felt almost beguiling. Whilst my demeanour (and attitude) had improved both domestically and socially, my levels of progression should be considered deceptive. Furthermore, I found myself constantly unable to shake the overarching feeling of foreboding, silently following my every step like the patient lioness hunting its inevitable dinner.
Re-opening my eyes as the familiar feel of my beloved baby sister's head resting comfortably upon my shoulder jolted me back to reality, instantly bringing a loving smile across my lips as I haplessly attempted to dispel any negative thoughts. However, my temporary happiness remained short-lived; An overwhelming feeling of dread rocketing throughout my every artery and vein as I noticed the tears streaming freely down Eve's crimson-red cheeks, her quiet breathing rapidly becoming harsh and uneven.
"What...What's wrong Eve....Jenna said she'll talk to Ronn...." My words lacked fervour, a pathetic jumble of desperate and fanciful wishes aimed at delaying the inevitable. However, for what was very likely the final time Eve interrupted my nervous ramblings, choking her soul-destroying words through tears laced with deception and fear.
"I've been lying to you Onii." I hadn't heard those words….No…..The words were fully audible, soundwaves reverberating as normal upon entering my delicate ear-canals, yet comprehensively failing to register. I imagine the blank and soulless expression currently plastered across my face probed Eve to continue:
"Sofia wasn't talking in general......I was accepted to that college in America.....I'm....I'm leaving soon."
"How soon?" My softly spoken words were completely autonomous, devoid of even the minutest levels of conviction. Somehow feeling as if I were invoking the fury of some form of nightmarish phantom clock, silently following my every move whilst retaining its sadistic grin as it invariably counts down towards the most unwanted of conclusions.
"In 2 weeks…..I've already informed school and won't attend class until I leave"
A deathly silence enveloped the room, two siblings sat together on a sofa neither with the mental conviction or even the minutest understanding for how to proceed, subsequently the small distance between us couldn't have felt further apart. As the older sibling is the onus upon myself to take responsibility? Does the social norm dictate that I should be unequivocally understanding? To be able to derive unyielding strength from some mystical reality almost at will? Rest assured, a day will surely arrive when regret will encompass every fibre of my being for my incomprehensible actions at this particular moment:
"Onii…..Honestly your silence is killing me from inside….Say something.....Anything.....Please???"
Feelings of hopelessness coupled with resentment are impossible to ignore, especially in the heat of the moment. After several lonely years the prospect of having my baby sister back suddenly felt within my grasp, yet once again I find my hopes and dreams being mercilessly snatched away. It's difficult to explain the complex mixture of emotions bubbling somewhere deep within; However as I gazed directly into Eve's tear-soaked eyes, the only thing which accurately describes what suddenly occurred...….Is that somewhere.…..Buried far below my typically calm posterior…..Something finally snapped:
"Congratulations."
My uncharacteristically despicable choice of words had arrived at the most inappropriate of times. Marching almost involuntarily up the stairs and slamming the door emphatically behind, I knew that Eve's loud sobbing late into the night would forever haunt my dreams until my inevitable lonely and pathetic end.
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The cataclysmic events of the previous day felt almost ethereal; Wearily treading past Eve's eerily darkened room beyond the confines of her partially ajar door, instantly sent shivers tingling down my spine. Eve can't already have gone out this early on a Saturday…..Could she???
Unable to shake the overwhelming feeling of foreboding currently encircling my thoughts I cautiously descended downstairs, however the situation presenting did nothing to calm my nerves: Blinds flung open, used cups and utensils hurriedly dumped in the sink, various papers carelessly strewn across the floor and most importantly, Eve's numerous shoes and jackets had all seemingly vanished. Various hormones began flooding through my veins, a sense of panic immediately gripping my existence. Calling out would prove a pointless task as I gulped in nervous anticipation of what events had recently transpired.
The sight of a sealed envelope carefully placed on top of the counter and covered with my own familiar anime figure caught my eye; Organisation within chaos will inevitably breed curiosity. My name was scrawled across the front of the letter in my baby sister's familiar handwriting as I took a moment to draw my eyes closed and take a few gulps of breath, a desperately hopeful attempt towards calming my floundering nerves. My fingers tremored uncontrollably as I began sliding out the frenziedly scribbled note contained within:
"I'll be staying at Sofia's until leaving, don't you dare try to contact either of us in the meantime.
Goodbye for good, Former Onii."
No matter how many times, (or how slow) I read the words transcribed upon the letter, ultimately the words failed to register. It was as if meaning and understanding had become inadvertently snipped from the fragile fabric of time, leaving behind an unintelligible and jumbled mess.
Crumpling the letter within the palm of my hand and nonchalantly tossing it in to the waste basket; I somehow find myself laying comfortably upon my back, staring up towards the ceiling within a room completely devoid of the phenomenon known as light. My current state could be described as emotionless (or more accurately drained of emotions), completely unable to comprehend neither my past, present nor my immediate future. A single tear quietly streams down the side of my cheek, yet I neither react or question its unwelcome presence.
Before traversing along that eternally unfathomable road towards Neverland, a terrifying thought lingers towards the back of my unsettled mind: Pain's an old friend and it's here to stay.
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Epilogue
Apparently my repeated cries for urgency brought about the required response as the minicab driver expertly drifted into the parking bay in record time. Haphazardly shouting my thanks as I sprinted towards the departure lounge, (paying via the app really helped,) before taking a nervous glance towards my watch whilst running headfirst across the pedestrian crossing, (definitely not actions I usually condone for you over-critical traffic-safety warriors out there.) Jesus it's already 7:45pm, only 15 minutes left until Eve's flight depart.
Hopelessly wiping away tears of frustration with my familiar coat-sleeve, I shot through the, (thankfully) super-responsive automatic doors before glancing towards the board displaying Eve's flight details (ready to depart)…..No….No you can't leave yet…..Not yet!!!! Please God, I know I'm not the most religious of men, but please don't take away the one good thing remaining in my life!!!
Panting like a careless dog upon reaching the departure desk; I took a moment to catch my breath before blurting my intentions towards the slightly shocked yet wholly sympathetic (and very attractive), female employee patiently awaiting my question. Noticing the solemn tears welling beneath my blood-shot eyes, coupled with the helplessness etched across my face, the young employee merely raised her finger towards the imperious aircraft rising majestically into the night sky. The beautiful crimson lights beaming down from its tail and wings leaving behind a luminescent glow in its wake as it roared off into the distance....I never heard the sympathetic apologies reverberate from the female employee's immaculately glossed lips.
Gulping loudly as I glided almost hypnotically towards the gigantic window overseeing the runway, my legs suddenly gave way forcing my hands into a slightly timid attempt to cushion the fall. Ironically cooling tears flowed freely down my cheeks, brilliantly illuminated in the bright airport lights before crashing in a fountain of dismay on the smooth cement floor.
My surroundings had become as meaningless as my current existence, balling my hands into fists before theatrically slamming them to the floor brought about a modicum of relief as my heart felt ready to burst out of my rib-cage; Subsequently completely unbeknownst to myself, a crowd of curious souls had gathered to gaze upon the overly-emotional young male having some form of mental breakdown in the middle of a busy airport.
Plucking some mental courage from an unknown region deep within the nether-regions of my mind, I managed to control my emotions just enough to wipe away the tears whilst picking myself up off the floor.
"What have you done??"
The softly spoken yet emotionally-charged words caught me off guard, my guess would be that the unrelenting flow of adrenaline currently surging through my veins had partially dulled my conducive abilities. Turning on my heels to be faced by the familiar figure felt almost destined, as I returned my gaze helplessly towards the floor and spoke the only three words I could muster:
"I don't know."
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Emotionally picturesque ending wouldn't you say?? Sadly, that typically melodramatic moment was substantially more likely to have occurred in a Hollywood blockbuster than my sad excuse for a life. At the very least it would have meant me knowing what flight Eve took, what her final destination would be and may have presented me with the slimmest chance of redemption.
Redemption........A word so far out of my pathetic grasp I'm unable to even fathom it's meaning.
Excuse my lack of reliability, for once more I've completely and undeniably failed. I've failed as an older brother, I've failed as a friend, I've failed as a basic human-being and most importantly I've failed as your narrator.
Were my despicable web of lies a true reflection of reality, perhaps I wouldn't still be sat here all alone in the dark for almost the second full day in a row. Tightly huddled against the headboard whilst helplessly squealing into my thighs, robbed of the strength to shed even a single tear more. Subsequently the faint glow from my phone, (currently my only access to the outside world), begins to blink and fade until finally with an almost gratuitous smirk, the darkness happily ensnares its prey.
SOMEBODY.........ANYBODY..........PLEASE.......HELP me???..........PLEASE......Anyone?????.........Help...........I can't live like this any-more........WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
My dry, tearless sobs continued long into the early depths of morning until finally the inevitable slumber overwhelmed this weary and worn out lifeless shell I inhabit. No reprieve arrived, no hero prevented my reckoning and no bright, shining light conspicuously answered my heart-rendering wails.
Only one truth remains in this wretched life I lead: Happiness was never part of my destiny, only a horrific and unrelenting, soul-destroying anguish.
