1 The C word

   The room is cold, like hospital cold. Certificates hang on the walls and bookshelves filled with old medical books line the room, but in the center is a large desk with a old man sitting behind it. He waves his hand toward the two chairs in front of his desk. We take our sets and watch as this old man in his white coat flip though a stack on papers then looks up at us. His face is trying to hid something but, after seeing so many of these type of people lately I have started to read their faces. The lies that the try to hind behind their eyes, trying to give hope and the promise that things will be okay and this guy is just like all of them. Fuck, all these doctors are the same. Giving you hope when you can clearly see on their faces there is none but yet they try and I'll give them that.

  "Welcome, I'm doctor Malburn. I have looked over your wife's file and all the test results. I have to say my diagnosis concur with all the other doctors you have seen. You wife has cancer of the blood, known as leukemia but her type is rear and progressive. In all terms it is terminal, I'm sorry to have to tell you this. I don't want to give you false hope when clearly their is none. Take you wife home spend as much time with her, let her know you love her and prepare yourself and family.."

  As the doctor spoke I reached of my wife's hand, cold to the touch but I still held on. For 2 years I have loved this woman, and I will love her till my last breath. She is my world and I can't see living life without her. Then I heard it, that word that makes you stop breathing and has your life flashes before you. "Terminal "

  I looked at my wife. Tears in her eyes and the fear that is now sweeping across her lovely face. We looked at each other and knew that our hope of all this being a lie has come to a end. That now we have to face the fact that Cancer is killing her.

  Then the doctor gave a timeline, only a year at the max. Only 12 moths instead of a lifetime. Men are told not to cry but as I saw the fear in her eyes, knowing I couldn't fix this or fight it. I felt worthless as a man and as her protector. How could I let this happen? How could I not see she was sick? How could I not be able to fix this?

  Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...Acceptance...All those feeling swept over me at the same time in weaves as I looked at the doctor. I couldn't hear the words anymore but his lips continued to move. All I can think at this moment is that cancer is ripping my happy life apart, and killing my beautiful wife. Then the day I met her popped into my head, I can remember that day like it was yesterday.

  The day was like any other day working my low end job as a stand-in-advertisement. My job was to dance around in front of my assigned business in costume to advertise for them. So, on this day I was a chicken in front of Larry's Fried Chicken Barn. I was jumping around doing my thing when at that moment I heard the sound of crashing metal. Instinctively I turned to the sound to see a red Volkswagen Beetle hit by a Ford truck. I rush over to the car to see a beautiful red headed lady shaken from the accident but from what I can see unharmed. Our eyes locked as I reached into unbuckle her seatbelt. A warm feeling rushes over me that I have never felt, a feeling that the world has stopped and only the two of us meant anything. My breathing slowed then quickened at the touch of her skin as I brushed my fingers against her forearm. Her skins is so warm and soft, I wanted to hold on to that simple encounter but then reality hit me that I had to make sure she was okay.

"Are you okay?"

  This sweet angel begins to speak, her voice is like a windchime in a gentle breeze. It was music to my ears but I had to wakeup from this dream that I'm in.

"Yes, I guess."

"Well, lets get you out of this car and wait for them EMT's."

  She shock her head yes. Then I opened her drivers side door with no difficulty, I then took her hand and helped her out of the vehicle. I slid my arm around her tiny waist to steady her as we took slow and steady steps away from her car. She turned her head to look at her car that looked worst then it was then turned to look at me.

"Thank you."

I was taking back at this simple gesture. Two words that are so effortless but mean so much.

"You're welcome. What's your name so I can tell the EMT's?"

"Lilly, I'm Lilly Robinson and what's your name?"

"My name is Jon, Jon Thomas."

"Can I ask why are you dressed as a chicken?, Lilly asked with a little giggle in her voice.

"Working across the street when I heard the accident."

  Lilly smiled as she looked at my costume and let out a laugh. A good sign I told myself as the EMT's rushed over to us and swooped Lilly away from me. Our eyes stayed looked as they put her on a stretcher and loaded her into the ambulance. Only when the doors closed is when I came out of my trance.

  Lilly has always been my backbone. She's the one who told me I'm better than a dancing chicken. Helped me get into collage, even stayed up late with me as I did my homework. One night I fell asleep doing my thesis and she finished editing it. Our life has always been some kind of romance novel.

  As I look at Lilly I can see all our dreams and plans we made slowly slip away. The vow I gave on our wedding day stands true today as it did two years ago when I spoke those words, "In sickness and in heath. Till death do we part". I stood up from my chair, turned to help my ailing wife to her feet and we excited the doctors office not looking at the doctor who was still trying to talk to us. I'm taking my wife home to say goodbye to her, to spend these last months with my soulmate, my friend and my Lilly.

  I got Lilly in the car and ran the statistics in my head, 61,780 new cases of leukemia, and 22,840 deaths, and the type Lilly has only 2% will recover. Lilly has done all known treatments, Chemotherapy, Monoclonal antibodies, Targeted therapy drugs, Stem cell transplantation, and Radiation therapy. Each time the doctors tell us "no significate change".

  I climb in the divers side, place my hands on the steering wheel, Lilly places her hand on mine and says, "Jon, everything will be okay. It's out of our hands". I love how she believes in a higher power, and that they will fix everything but, when you hear your wife crying and pleading to god for years and nothing has happened, you lose your faith. How can a god sit back and let such a sweet, caring, person who don't swear, gives her time to the needy just die. Me on the other hand believes that science is the best way to prove thing and find a cure. I know she has to be sick of me taking to some doctor that has some new treatment, but she did it with a smile and I love her even more for that. Such a trooper.

  I have to find something that would give us more time, I needed more time with her. So many dreams, like having kids, growing old together and playing with grandkids. All the things couples dream of when they get together. The ride home became quite, I don't know if the realization of what ever doctors has been telling us finally sinking in or the fact that we are both losing hope but we didn't speak until I pilled up into the drive way.

  I just sat their looking at our home. Nothing fancy, two bedroom one bathroom cottage type house. The outside is a light blue color with roses all around the porch that Lilly loved sitting on at night to just enjoy the evening and smell the flowers. So many times we sat together just talking out their, enjoying laughs and being together.

  I look over at Lilly, her beauty has almost faded away due to the many treatments, but the spark in her eyes is still their. Those eyes, I have lost myself many times looking into them. A smile that can light up any room, and a funny sense of humor when she would find a duck crossing the street funny. Oh, how I love this woman.

"Lilly, I love you and I will find a cure", I told her.

"Jon, please. It's out of our hands. God will answer our prayers", Lilly replied.

"Will he, In all this time has he healed you. No! I am sorry Lilly but I have lost my faith in God. We are his play things and he likes to see us in pain."

"Jon. That's not true. He will heal me, you will see. Please have faith", Lilly replied.

"I can't Lilly, you are leaving me each day. Look what the doctor said, only maybe a year. A year Lilly, a year until you're gone", I tried to hold back my anger and tears.

"If I do go, I'm not leaving you. I will still be here watching over you everyday till we meet again in heaven."

  I hit the steering wheel with my fist, I'm angary, so angary at this so called god who says he will heal the sick, "Lilly, you have been praying to a ghost that will do nothing. I will find a way, I swear their is a cure out there and I will find it."

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