1 1: For The Love of Pain
I shove my headphones deeper into my ears.
The effects of volume are like temperature to me. I tap my finger on my thigh to the rhythm as I ponder this thought. Like slowly inching the dial to the red zone in the shower and enjoying the lick of heat on my skin, I find myself hitting the volume button repeatedly, to drain more of the healing melody into my brain. Just a little more. Always pushing limits welcome to my reality my imprisonment...my love affair with pain.
My mind shoots to Jayce,
"No. Behave, Emah." I scold myself .
I remember how his celestial blue eyes reflect light like prisms. His firm yet welcomed touch. His sultry, mellow voice whispering sweet secrets in my ear.
And I remember the pain. Physical. Emotional, and to this day psychological. Pain. A strange insatiable appetite I have for this complex sensation.
Letting out a soft sigh I roll my eyes, displeased at my disobedience, even to myself. Perhaps that is the secret, the key or the answer. My lack self-discipline unapproachable demeanour are the cause of my toxicity. The song in my ear is an aphorism for my life.
"You want them when they don't want you, as soon as they do feelings change." Mathers had it right.
A memory infects my mind easily.
I recollect Jayce and I are standing in his entry. No. No. This is wrong but oh my it's so right. I stiffen.
Don't touch him. It will give him the green light. He releases me and I snap out of it. I'm biting my lip. "Fuck." I stop but he flashed that smile then his eyes turned curious, dark.
"Do I taste as good as I look miss Emah?"
He's mocking me or trying to get me to surrender I cant be sure but it makes me squirm.
"Oh I love to make you squirm." He grins
Oh sweet heaven if you only knew. The thought must have provoked my subconscious and I'm back to biting my lower lip tugging gently with my teeth, lost in my fantasy, full of ecstasy.
"I'll show you out if you won't stay" he presses on with clear intent.
"Yessir," I declare sweetly. It's an automatic and natural response.
Good, yes, now leave. Behave Emah.
He grins and gestures ahead of himself, he wants me walking ahead so he can admire me. All of me. We reach the entrance and I'm sure his eyes have been wandering my body the whole way down the stairs and his hands are now craving.
Suddenly I feel his fingers slide around the smallest part of my waist. In one swift motion he lifts me and I'm pressed against the wall intercepting the stairway. Suspended.
"God what are you doing to me?" I mumble under my breath.
He smothers my voice with a deep kiss that overwhelms my senses. He does taste good, his mouth is on mine and his hands are cool against my skin, now burning with desire. The marriage of temperature is intense. Hot meets cold. When he reaches the hem of my dress to slide his fingers gently up my torso, raising the hairs on my skin with every trace of his touch. My body responds and my hips press into him...he reacts and pins me harder to the wall with his full weight. The kiss turns forceful and assertive and suddenly I'm a genie who will grant his every wish. He is my master and then for a moment he pulls back briefly to let me breathe. Then he does it again. My whole body pulses to the rhythm we've created.
He bites my bottom lip hard enough to make me wince. The feeling is delectable. The slight sting makes my nether regions pulse. He tugs on my lip with his teeth and growls playfully before baring his sparkling, prominent canines.
"Next time perhaps you'll stay." His calm voice breaks the spell of his passion. He winks at me and releases me all at once before smacking my behind authoritatively as I take a step out the door. I flush and glare at him over my shoulder. He's left me craving, wanting, throbbing. I want to run back inside. But I don't.
My day dream is shattered my a small shrill voice.
"Ma!" Isla exclaims
I tug my ear buds out and place them on the night stand. It takes a moment to associate with reality.
"Yes baby?" I run my knuckles down her cheek softly and she touches my lips in response making me smile.
She giggles sweetly. Isla is a slight thing with a big attitude and even better sense of her own charm; an imprint left on anyone who meets her. She's still in her pajamas and the patterns clash but then so does tiny spit fires personality. Isla is sweet yet strong willed and the perfect storm wrapped up in a small irresistible package. MY daughter. Isla. I find myself rolling my eyes, at my obsession with my own spawn, and smiling and when my attention settles back on Her smiling face. She leans her small elbows on the bed with her chin in her hands and she's mimicking me, smiling and rolling her eyes over and over—-giggling as she is obviously quite pleased with herself. She tears the covers off to reveal my bare legs, I'm wearing a Tshirt and panties and she's dragging me out of bed "up Ma, it's time to get ready! Right this way!"
She crooks her arm as if she's an usher and drags my other hand behind her as she leads me to the bathroom where she's set out my robe, towel and hair brush ... the towel is warm, mmm.
"Well someone must want something." I raise an eye brow at her and grin, wondering what she's got planned —- always something with her.
"Shower Ma!" She stifles a giggle and skips out of the room leaving me to shower. I run my hands over the warm towel again... mmmm, and it shoots me back to a more confusing time. A time when all I wanted to feel was pain.
~flash
He paces behind me. Paired with my white blouse I'm wearing a grey pencil skirt with an exposed zipper all the way up, work attire. I glance over my shoulder and he shoves me forward assertively. I stumble and my hands land flat, hard on the sink making a harsh sound. I remember moving one hand only to have it fall on a thick warm beige towel. freshly dried, I notice pressing my fingers into the towel. The calm comforting feeling steals my attention for a brief moment before eagerness sets in.
My eyes shift to the mirror in front of me to meet his gaze again. Hands still pressed on the sink, leaning over it slightly.
Jayce smiles his haunting, beautiful smile.
He smacks my behind once, quickly. It doesn't hurt I brace myself eagerly expecting another but it doesn't come ... the confused assumption makes me twitch and oddly turns me on.
What is wrong with me ?! I crave the sting. I came to get hurt.
"Embrace the pain... do you want more?" He asks but I'm too lost in the moment to respond—unsure what answer he really wants—-and what he'll to do next. I love his assertive nature it's one of my favourite things about him and heaven knows it turns me on.
Yes. I want it I want to feel the sharp inviting feeling . The familiarity—-
The comfortable certainty that is... pain.
~
I shake my head back and forth hard to stop the trance and re-associate to my current reality. "I should make an appointment." I think to myself, an idle thought, which I quickly dismiss. But the flashbacks have come back full force.
The shower hisses to life as I turn the dial all the way to hot and allow the steam to cloud the entire room.
I trust Isla is playing in her room, hopefully not getting into too much trouble. Blocking out all other thoughts, I allow my mind to flood with all things Isla. Thinking of her is safe.
Isla is six and she will forever shock me. She is much too smart for her own good. Advanced in empathy and has a knack for manipulating whoever she wants however she wants. I wouldn't change her for anything in fact I envy her confidence in her self... her thoughts.. her dreams. She always knows exactly where she is going and what she wants. I could learn a thing or two from her.
I grin at the thought and turn the dial back a bit so my skin isn't burned by the hot shower water. I allow the hot streams to grace my skin. I love the feeling. The water droplets make my skin tingle as they run down my body. The heat intensifies my heart rate and I place my hand on my chest, feeling it pump hard and enjoying the feeling of simply feeling alive for a fleeting moment before my reality attacks.
I scrunch my eyes together hard and block out a fleeting morbid thought. Not allowing it to take ownership. I wash quickly and turn off the water.
I want to find Isla and see what she's up to and also ask this little sprite like girl what she's buttered me up for today.
After drying briefly I wrap up in my robe then set off to find her in her room.
" I don't want to paint. Because you TELL me to, I want to paint because I want to so there!"
I enter further into the room to see Isla sprawled out on her stomach on the floor. I take note of a prince ken and Barbie duo gathered in her small hands. Realizing this speech was part of her game I smile.
"What are you playing my girl ?"
"Oh, Barbie wants to move away but the King Ken wants her to listen to him and stay." She explains.
Gulp. "Oh?" My voice wavers, but I force out the mental connection.
"Yep! Ken is mad so he's going to stop talking to Barbie now." And she places both dolls on the floor
"And why does barbie want to leave Ken in the castle?" I push out my bottom lip a little and then grin. Isla grins too clearly amused.
"Sometimes space is healthy so we know who we miss and who misses us." she grins knowingly...I always tell her that very thing.
" well will they live happily ever after?" I pry, pointing at Barbie and Ken.
"Oh, it's a secret."
I roll my eyes and smile knowing very well I won't win this one. I stroke her long honey hair through my fingers marvelling at the smooth texture.
"So what did you have in mind little one ?" I inquire gauging her expression but she won't look up.
"Baby what is it ?"
She picks up barbie and strokes her dolls hair. She's mulling something over in that beautiful tiny mind.
"I am curious—-about Daddy. I'd like to see him." She says plainly.
I can see she's trying very hard not to show a shred of emotion as she turns and stares at me. Anticipating my reaction.
I take a deep breath and look down at my hands. When I look up again at Isla her eyes have widened expectedly but her expression hasn't changed. I wonder if she's holding her breath, impressed by the self discipline.
I can do this.
"Okay." I say smiling sweetly at her. I'd do anything for her.
And she erupts. Thank-you mommy! She throws her small body into my ready embrace then holds her hand on my cheek and kisses my lips "Mwah!" She giggles. The sound is soothing.
"Lets go." I don't want to give myself time to think. We run down the great hallway hand in hand all the way to the kitchen. Sandra has already set out Isla's favourite. Strawberries and a tiny bowl of sugar to sprinkle on them, also, a gleaming pure white glass of milk accompanying the pair.
She hops up on the bar stool gingerly and I scoot her in "Thankyou Sandy." I nod in approval as my daughter happily sprinkles her strawberries with sugar "not too much sugar baby." I wave a finger at her jokingly and smile at her. Isla smiles but is already absorbed in her breakfast. I walk out of the room quickly and run down the broad hallway of the mansion passing by Islas room, I love running down this corridor as it makes me feel youthful and dare I say alive, I dash to my room to find some clothes.
"Don't think don't think don't think." I chant to myself.
I focus on my clothing choices a skirt? No, ok jeans? Obviously not. Leggings? "Agh!" I throw my hands up in frustration. Why is this so hard?
I start to zone out staring at my clothes in the wardrobe.
A memory haunts me.
"Not that dress dear." Jayce is pressing two fingers into his upper lip and disproving of my choice for the evening.
I roll my eyes and gaze down at my self. I'm wearing a simple deep neck black Louis V and it's tight. I am guessing too tight for his liking.
Before I speak he continues "oh you sassy little thing, behave yourself I've bought you a gift."
I Blush—embarrassed at my assumption. God he does things to me... my whole bloodstream now runs hot and as I turn I fan my face as if it would breeze away my anxiety as well as my flush.
"Turn around darling." He says very plainly.
I envy how he holds his tone...I envy so much about him but he makes me feel like a goddess too. Still I feel inferior to Jayce. In his presence I always will. But I am ok with that fact. I think.
I turn to once again face him and he reveals a white box. It's long and sleek about the size of my torso. Eagerly, I take the box and set it on the bed removing the satin black bow that secures the package.
"Oh Jayce, it's perfect!" I am in awe of this dress he has gifted me. I'm sure it's one of a kind and he knows I have a thing for fashion.
"No my darling, it compliments your beauty subtly, but it is you, that is flawless."
I smile at him and his expression softens, he smiles back and I return my attention to this dress. It's a royal looking ox-blood colour. I lay it flat on the bed admiring the detail. It's long,floor length maybe more..jeez Jayce knows I'm not that tall, but then upon further inspection I notice it's a hi-lo style... . The dress is mostly lace and some material I'm not familiar with but it's soft. The dress is light ... dainty even. It's gorgeous.
"There's a gala tonight," he hesitates—-
"I thought this little surprise might make you want to attend ?" Suddenly he looks almost childlike with his longing gaze. He wants this.
"You mean if I might not come without a fight."
"Emah." He scolds
"Jayce don't." I press my lips into a hard line trying hard shield him from my welling up emotion. He knows I'll go if he says go.
At the Gala, we exchange half hearted greetings and mindless conversation with California's finest before Jayce is stealing me from the party. Finally. A moment is even too long at these things. He leads me out onto a vacant balcony. Another young couple lingers opposite us on the terrace. He's obviously drunk and she's not far behind. Falling all over each other. I don't envy their sloppy exchange. Jayce winks at me and saunters over to the intoxicated couple. He says something to the guy and the duo quickly retreat back to the gala.
"What did you say to him!?" I quiz Jayce then study his face looking for clues to the answer.
"That I would seduce his girlfriend if he didn't skedaddle." He jokes and I roll my eyes unintentionally.
"Now now Emah don't be defiant with me. I want to treat you now, you deserve to be rewarded for your night of —suffering." He grins as he says the last word like it's an inside joke with himself.
"Yes Sir." I respond obediently.
I place my hands on the banister and his mouth is teasing the back of my neck and collar bone. His hands secured around my waist in the same familiar way.
"This one Ma!" Isla's voice snaps me out of my Daydream.
I hadn't even noticed she entered the room. She's chosen a sleek Calvin Klein black pencil dress with a squared neckline. I smile at her glad not to choose. I push her little button nose before pulling my dress up. Isla eagerly runs around me and she carefully zips the zipper
"Ok Baby I'm going into my office and I will Email Daddy, Okay?"
"Ok Mommy." She says nodding enthusiastically and she slips out of the room.
She rarely calls me that anymore. My heart flutters at the sound.
I head to my study and flick on the computer.
To: Jayce Rosynn
Subject: Isla
Your Daughter would like to visit you Sir...
"No that won't do," I say aloud to myself deleting the typing feverishly.
Jayce.
I know it's been much to long and I hope this message finds you well. I hope that you still check this email. Isla and I would like to arrange a meeting today if you haven't any other plans Sir.
"There." Assertive enough... very independent, confident even. Pleased, I hit SEND before I have a chance to have any second thoughts.
I drum my fingers on my sleek white granite top desk ... "come on..." I'm waiting impatiently for his response and crossing my fingers.
Isla will be shattered if I can't make this happen. It has been a long time since I've made contact with Jayce. My palms are starting to sweat. Perspiration stings my underarms and I refresh the page. Still no reply. I tap one nail on the desk feverishly. I am starting to lossless my patience.
"Ahh!" I stand up from my desk abruptly and slam my hands down on it hard. The action makes a sharp *slap*
"Oh nooo,"
~Flash
*Smack!*
"Again." I plead.
*Smack*
A familiar feeling of sharp pain graces my raw behind. Two, three four times. Jayce wheels back shaking out his now I'm sure stinging hand .
"I don't understand." he runs his fingers through his hair once quick and then rubs his chin anxiously all in one motion.
"Are you going to forgive me?" I pout.
"Emah! This is not about forgiveness. punishment and submission and control are not to be toyed with. This is absurd." He scowls at me and pulls on his sweatpants.
Fine. I lay back on the bed rubbing my sore behind. "Yes Master." I scoff.
"No, no! You cannot simply do the things you do expecting to be punished and forgiven I won't allow it."
"you need control and I need forgiveness. I see it as a win win." I try and sound as convincing as possible as I'm trying to convince my self as well."
"Clearly you need control!." Jayce paces back and forth with only his sweats on.
I bite my lip and turn my head hoping he won't be irritated by the involuntary response to his naked chest glistening, wet with sweat.
"Emah don't!" He scolds. Directing a pointed finger at me. I notice he's shaking.
"Hold me." I plead watching my own fingers start to tremble. I know it will help us both.
"No." He snaps.
I stare down at my fingers and my stomach gurgles in discontent.
"This isn't right." I whisper.
"No?" Jayce has wild eyes that pierce through me in this moment. Suddenly he embraces me sitting beside me holding me tight—-too tight.
"Jayce I——."
"Shhhh" he whispers in my ear.
I slouch then look up at him and our eyes lock. He tangles my hair in his fingers and he hypnotizes me in the most passionate kiss I have ever felt. WoAh—-
"This?" He breathes then keeps kissing me hard. Deepening the passion with each second that's flown by. He breaks away and holds me at arms length leaving me tingling, panting and needing more.
"This passion. This sensation this attraction ? It's wrong ?" He asks with so much hurt in his expression it pains my heart. He knows I prefer pain.
~
*ping*
The email notification siren startled me out of my flash back. It's him.
To: Emah-Lynn Rosynn
Subject: Meeting
You've caught me at a good time, Miss Page. I have been patiently awaiting your correspondence. As I am busy the rest of the morning it will have to be at Noon or later.
Please make arrangements with my secretary Amber Nelson. Contact information can be found below:
Amber Nelson
7806725186
A.N@Rosynncorp.net
Text email or call. Your preference.
Ps. Nice last name. ;)
Warm and ever welcoming regards,
JR
Owner
Rosynncorp2020
I stare at the screen with my mouth gaping open. Without moving my gaze I pick my phone up from the desk and shift my eyes to dial.
Gulp.
The tone rings in my ear and I dial the numbers slow.
"Miss Page?"
A friendly voice chimes on the other end
"Yes I—-how did you?" I rub above my brow with my thumb and forefinger.
"Call display and Mr. R ... er .. Rosynn had told me to expect your call this morning."
"O-Okay," I stutter this is not going as smooth as I'd like. I find my self wondering if the bubbly voice is as bubbly in person and cringe at the thought. I tap my toe. Let's get on with it.
"About our meeting." I redirect the conversation more abruptly than intended.
"Of course Miss Page." She responds
"That's not my—" I top myself and she ignores the outburst.
"Mr Rosynn would like to meet at the west shore shopping mall. 1:30 pm if Suitable otherwise I can edit these arrangements, will that be all Ma'am?" She says the bit as if it is rehearsed.
"Yes-um no. Will I speak to him before? How will I find him?" I fire the questions at her.. I'll admit she's fun to toy with.
"Of Course Miss Page. Entrance 50 he will be parked there in a dark grey impala." She states matter of factly.
"Okay."
"Anything else Ma'am?"
"Yes."
"Yes?" She sounds ever so slightly annoyed but suddenly I'm feeling playful.
"Don't call me ma'am." I state monotone, I tilt my nose up like I've seen all the good rich snobs do, knowing she can't see my grin through the phone.
"Yes Miss M-My apologies." She squeaks.
I'm confused by her sudden submission but then I'm not. Jayce. I soften my tone feeling guilty for toying with the innocent girl. "Thank you so much the arrangements are perfect and your professionalism has impressed me I will pass my compliments on to Jayce when I see him."
"Thankyou."
Good. She sounds upbeat again.
"Good day Ms Nelson." And I hang up.
Thrilled with this news I run in my still bare feet down the wide hall to find Isla back to her doll game. Now Barbie is sitting on Kens lap and I can't help but smile at a happy memory flicking through my mind.
"Baby are you going to wear that to the mall to meet Daddy?" I say nonchalant, trying to mask my own excitement and wonder to myself if I should be more nervous.
She beams at me she's glowing with delight and jumps up throwing her hands in the air!
Yes I've done well.
"You are the BEST mommy ever I Love you!" And she leaps into my arms like she did when I said yes. I embrace her and breathe in her sweet smell of strawberries and sugar. Mmm. I live for these moments.
-flash
I'm wearing a fitted red dress with a deep open back. My hair is undone falling loosely over my shoulders. I've already had a few drinks and the lights are starting to blur together in the bar. People crowd and push trying to order. The room is filled with the smell of vodka, an array of perfumes and thick sweat from heavy dancing. Everyone is bouncing to the music even me.
"Strawberry dakuri please." I order, sweetly to the bartender.
"She's drunk don't serve her." Jayce interrupts. He's not bouncing or dancing at all. He looks utterly solemn.
"He was just leaving." I nod in Jayce's direction trying to ignore him, more addressing the bartender still. He won't ruin my fun. He can't take my freedom.
"Emah you need protection." He growls.
"No. Go. Or I will."
"Let me pay for a cab. If you won't come with me." He growls.
"No You can pay for my drink." I roll my eyes as the bartender passes me my drink and Jayce throws a card on the counter.
"Start a tab but top her off at 6." He commands the bar tender and glares at me.
"No Jayce. Stop trying to control me." I cross my arms over my chest tight as if that would protect me, unintentionally accentuating my chest.
"Did I really just say that?" The thought comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.
Jayce raises an eye brow. "What exactly is it you want Emah?" He asks with a small crack of pain in his voice.
"For you to go!" Pressing both hands into his chest I push him as hard as I can but he hardly wavers. I don't care. Drunkenly I stomp my foot back down and square my shoulders confident and defiant.
"As you wish." He says plainly. All emotion now drained from his face. He turns to the bartender that has been listening in on our conversations off and on between drink orders.
Jayces tone sounds defeated as he waves the bartender."Keep that card. Charge the ladies drinks to it, as many as she'd like." The bar tender looks dumbfounded. Jayce glances at his cell phone clearly doing something.
He continues..
"The card will deactivate at close, be sure to charge the tab before then and then discard it as you will." And his voice is all business.
"Yes sir." The Bar tender says apathetically. He leaves us and moves to the other end of the bar to tend to other customers. Once his attention is off of us I'm feeling more brave.
"I am going to dance." I twirl and wink over my shoulder before I can even see his reaction. The dance floor is quite crowded. Twirling and shaking my hips in a seductive manner, a taller blue eyed business man catches my eye. His tie is missing and top button undone, hair unruly. Gorgeous. Perfect. I narrow my gaze on him and the ceo looking guy notices. He winks at me. Yes! Shifting my eyes to scan the crowd, Jayce catches my attention almost immediately. He's leaning forward on his elbows not far from the dance floor, watching like a hawk.
I've got you right where I want you babe. I slide expertly over closer to the CEO and he catches my small waist in his large soft hands. I let out an exaggerated giggle and twirl a loose strand of hair before he pulls me in close. Too close. My eyes dart back to Jayce and he looks displeased.
Good.
CEO smells of whisky and expensive cologne and his hands are trailing down my spine to my backside where he halts them. He squeezes hard and it takes me by surprise. Wait I don't like this..
"Ow!" I leap away holding a hand over my mouth in embarrassment.
He grabs my hand tugging me close to him, once more we start to dance and I sense Jayce's unwavering glare on us. I feel uneasy but I want Jayce to see I am independent and I don't need him. He thinks he owns me. He thinks I need him.
The CEO pulls me into himself hard when his lingering hand reaches the small of my back.Suddenly I feel his large hand slip clumsily behind my neck and he's forcing my face forward to meet his mouth in a wet sloppy drunken smooch. I recoil in disgust and scan the crowd.no. Where is he? Jayce?
The Ceo, clearly amused by my reaction broads a devious smile and suddenly he's pushing me forcing me off the dance floor. He grabs my wrist roughly and drags me out of the bar past unsuspecting bystanders into the parking lot. Once we reach his desired spot behind an old rusty Chevrolet truck he pulls on my shoulder strap of my dress violently downwards and it makes a horrible ripping sound before it snaps under the pressure. Completely appalled, I turn and smack him in his pretty CEO face. Ow. The contact stings my palm unpleasantly and I shake it as I stumble backwards. I'm feeling the full effects of alcoholic beverage number six now and my vision is blurred, out of nowhere his hand makes sharp contact with my cheek. My ears ring and I fall flat on the cold wet pavement. I taste the familiar metallic taste of blood filling my mouth.
The rain pelts my face as I lay broken, wounded and half dressed on the pavement. A new kind of pain floods my entire system and crawls under my skin. A revelation is made. This type of pain I do not get a kick out of. I lift my head slowly, painfully and stare as he wins the game this time unknowingly. His tail lights glow in a devilish glare as he speeds off completely oblivious to what's happening not 50ft away from him. Then Jayce is really gone no more protector.
-
Oblivious to my tranced state, Isla has set out looking for a more suitable outfit for our date with her father and she's chosen perfectly. I never understood why but she insists on us matching or at the very least, colour coordinating our outfits when we're together. My little stylist. Today she's chosen her black simple knee length cotton dress paired with red flats and a dark navy crocheted sweater. For me she has chosen the black dress with the squared neckline, rose gold strappy heals and a dark blue trench style dress coat. Simply elegant.
I take her hand and we start down the great hall together. I calm my jittery nerves while we walk. I focus on her and it calms me.
Out the front doors Sandra sees us out. Christofer, the driver, has arrived and is waiting with Islas door open she runs up to give Chris a high-ten and excitedly bounces into the 1982 restored glossy black town car. I smooth my hair as I trail behind her and take my place in the passenger seat. Chris climbs in the driver side and beams at me.
"You look exceptional Miss Rosynn." He compliments politely.
"Thankyou Christofer." I glance sideways at him with a small fleeting grin.
My stomach is turning.
"West Shore plaza. Please."
