3 Steeling One's Heart

Those disappointments I experienced in my youth lead to my destructive and introvert nature. One could say that I don't really understand oneself but one thing is for sure, those memories I had, made a crack on my being.

I am not a sentimental type of being. I'm just a woman who prefers peace and quiet and nothing more. I don't know if my parents had noticed this or my siblings noticed this but this the me who grew up under such harsh conditions.

Actually, I'm really not feeling good right now and I'm have that escapist tendency. I tend to shut my world and guard my heart whenever I feel hurt and pained. I don't know but everytime I cry, there's someone inside of me that would ask if what am I crying for... Then a part of me wanted to cry because my chest felt stuffed and I felt suffocated.

Like right now, the rain is heavily pouring down on the tin roof and I'm alone in this not so huge house but for me, it feels huge.

The pain I'm feeling now, I wanted it to release and cry but what will I cry for? When I can't do anything nor crying can solve the pain I'm feeling.

I am lost. Totally.

I don't know which path to take after this and which path will I end up choosing will lead to happy and fulfilling life.

My best friend said to someone that I'm optimistic... Haha...

If only she felt the pain which lead me to look on the brighter side even if it blinded me because that's the only choice I got.

I don't want to wallow on sadness or in the pain I'm feeling... I'm rather searching for a relief of this pain I felt inside me.. I am a man of action towards myself because I have only me.

I have to be optimistic to persevere and take this pain down inside my heart. I don't want to feel this kind of despairing pain but what can I do?

Human heart is bound to experience pain, suffering, heartache, sorrow, joy, happiness and every emotion that a human supposed to feel. It was the only way to steel one's heart and this could not be avoided.

Pain shaped me to the person I am today and I experience alot to say that the world will not give in to my request just because I cried and felt pain.

I let nature takes it course.

I was once a mistress.

Yup the shameful thing that women were afraid to became, I became like that. We were friends but then, he had that motive to make me his woman and so, I became.

Reckless and brainless, I fell in love with him in the long run and I don't know if he did to me but he kept saying that he did.

Well, I'm glad that he did. My love for him had not wasted.

We lasted for three years in the dark. No, only my parents were left in the dark...Some of his friends knew that I'm his woman. Well, I'm glad that they acknowledged me as their friend's girlfriend even though, he had a wife and a kid.

Yup.. He had a kid and I do have too.

As I was carrying that brat called Gab in my womb, my parents did not know about it. I told him first. No. He's not the father of Gab.

But he wanted to make it that it's him. Yes. He's so genrous that he wanted to shoulder the responsibility of that man.

Then I asked, how about your wife? You had a kid. I don't want to wreck your home just because I loved you. I still had my concience with me afterall.

He said it was a loveless marriage and nothing in between them more than that.

He said that he will eventually send her back to her parents but then eventually, I got tired and hurt beyond redemption so I left.

I left him.

Then I wasted my life on drinking and mingling with different types of people. To the point that I would hang out with drug addicts and such.

If you ask this lady here if I used... Nope. I was the one who adviced them to quit. They were still in their youths but then, the harshness of society awoken them which led them astray.

I steeled my heart but one thing I learned from them was to take life easy and to live where yourself matter first than others.

I discovered self-love.

It was them who taught me to let go of the worries from time to time and enjoy what life has to offer. Then, the pain I felt from the break up subsided.. I remained single until I met my current husband which is a clueless one.

I was the one who instigated things in us and he would just obey and pamper me to the ends. Which is why I decided to keep him forever...

But then, I don't know... His parents were okay. They treat me really well. They were the one's who took care of me after I gave birth to their first grandson.

And I missed that little angel dearly.. It's almost two weeks now, I didn't saw him which dampen my mood to this extreme.

I wanted to take care of him and be there when he slowly grow up but his parents decided to take care of him in my stead. They wanted me to find a job and should not rely on their son only. So, I convinced myself that's its an opportunity to have my aspiration come true.

But no matter how much I glossd it with such honeyed words, I still couldn't deny that I was reluctant to part with my bundle of joy. I was not used to it and I will never get used to it. That's why, I'm suffering greatly now..