4 Sleepless Nights

I couldn't sleep.

It happened so many nights straight. I miss my little bundle of joy dearly. It's almost two weeks that I haven't seen him.

It's not that I can't see him but I want him back with me. I miss my little princess too. Even though we quarrel and squabble, I still love her dearly.

I'm not that prideful but I'm a jealous type of person. I admit that I'm quite jealous on my in-laws for the material things they gave to my son. I'm jealous of their capability to raise him more than I do.

I'm questioning myself if I'm a good mother to my children when I let their grandparents take care of them in my stead.

I don't have a job and I want to find one but I don't know where to start. I'm quite used to the life I had when I'm still managing my parents business. I don't know if I had some competitiveness in the corporate world when I don't have a college diploma in me but still, in terms of business, well, I am quite experienced.

Whenever I wanted to see my son in his grandparents house, there's something in me saying that I'm not qualified to see him until I prove something on myself and to his grandparents.

Then I became conflicted again. I suddenly know what to do.

This giving me distress and making me unable to sleep. Then I would shed tears again. I just want to see my son but I feel so useless. I feel so small that the side comments of my in-laws were affecting me than even seeing my son, stopped.

I don't want them to say something about it and something I raised my son the way I want to. I want them to support and guide me and not like this. Unable to bring my child to where I live now because they think that I can't handle.

Well, I can. I can. I can.

Why?

I just want to see my son grow up with me and watch him as he do. I just want to stay with him until he doesn't need me and be able to face the world alone.

You know... That kind of mother that would dote on him even though I can't provide the luxury but I still can provide for him.

My heart aches at this moment to the point that I've written this to let my aches gone. I just miss him so badly. I wanted to see him and hug him then bond with him. Feed him.. Bathe him like I usually do back then when he was still with me.

He's just an 8 month old baby but he looked like a year old. He's bubly and he had a temper of his own even when he's a toddler.

But I will never force him to correct it. Anyway, it can be corrected as he grow up but it seems like I can't watch that happen.

:'(