2 Having A Heavy Heart

This heaviness is quite suffocating. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and tired of making myself look happy so I closed the doors and shut the windows in my own little world.

Then, I was hooked to writing poems, short stories, novels and articles of such. You know.. I often let my mind have monologue in front of the computer and let my fingers run to the keyboard to speak. If I could only be just a mute and just write everything I feel on a paper... maybe... I could even reach a thousand pages. Enough to fill several volumes of novels. Haha...

Well, like right now... I really wanted to cry to lift the heavy burden on my chest which was stifling me beyond anyone could imagine but then, Ms. Logic would come straight to my own mind to ask if crying will solve anything. Yes, it could make me feel better but the real problem is still there so instead of crying, I'll just solve my problem and viola.... problem solved.

I am that type of person..

That type which was impulsive when I want to.. Passive when I want to... I will work if I want to... depending on my mood.

Yup. If I'm not in the mood.. I won't move an inch. Spacing out like thinking things yet, I was clearly blank in my mind.

Maybe I'm depressed.

Yeah... I'm quite depressed.

I'm not happy of what's going on in my life recently. I have two kids. Before, I was a solo parent and I was still under my parents roof. They helped me in raising this bratty kid named Gab.

She's one of the reason why I want to find my own fate and stand up on my own but unluckily, I grew up with a family which seemed not a family at all.

I don't know. The familial ties that other families had was not present on us. Well, I grew up in a business-minded family. My mother groomed me to be her successor of our small store as I did not finish anything unlike my elder brother and sister.

My brother.. is now a renowned professor in a university and my sister married already.... Actually, my brother was the only one who remained a single dog in the entire family. He's too focused on his job and even loved it more than himself but because of that, he had a house, a motorbike, tons of small investments and his wallet is brimming with cash. So, I guess it's actually okay.

When I was still in high school and was about to graduate, I did not have any clue of what course I would take in my college. I just want to work immediately and separate myself from my parents but it was denied.

Then I decided to take up computer science which remained a dream until now.. Then, I switched my pick to Fine Arts as I love to draw and I admire paintings and works of art. I really love them and wished to create a masterpiece of my own.

It was a bold and wild dream but for me it was okay as I was a dreamer.

I knew that there's nothing I can't do when I'll do my best.

I am like a sponge... Absorbing every thing that needed to learn in one go. That's my younger self.

Then it was another dream denied. It was because my sister got pregnant as she was schooling in the bigger city and she's just about to graduate from college. My mother was so upset and devastated because of what happened. She ostracized my sister and did not talk to her for a very long time.

By the way, we had almost to six years of age gap but she's smaller than me so I was always mistaken as the older one. Sigh... too mature because of seriousness..

So, when I mentioned that I wanted to go to the bigger city to school and get Fine Arts as my course, they immediately rejected it. My mother wanted me to be a policewoman yet I didn't want to. I said to her if she really wanted, why not she's not the one who go to school with criminology as her course.

She fumed in anger. So, I was quite delighted.

Then I picked Business Administration as my course in our local college here. So, I am a regular student and all my grades were okay and not once I failed.

Even when I started to hang with different people. I was still passing on my exams without any problems.

Then same routine, my mother would nag and that time, I chose to ran away from home. I felt that I was not loved and unneeded. She's usually calm to my other siblings yet when it comes to me, she would fume in anger in everything I do.

Then I often hanged with my new found friends and that was the time that I started to drink.

Yup. This woman here is a drunkard. Haha!

I often invite my friends to drink and I was the one who payed it. Just to drink my heartaches... just to momentarily forgot that I was alone in my own little world.

The laughter, the jokes... the moment I would savor it just not to feel lonely.

My mother did not find out anything because she's too busy to care for me. She didn't even have the time to bond and asked me if I had already a boyfriend but she's suspicious. She's getting some outside news about me.. hanging with some boys and girls over a few bottles of beer and rhum.

Despite that, I still did well in my studies.

It's quite easy anyway and the lessons I had in my first year was like a rerun of the lessons I had when I was still in high school.

Then, I was engrossed with another type of entertainment... texting...