1 Felt Suffocated

I was never the type of person who really expresses her feelings truthfully. I was the type of person who masks the truth with jokes and funny things. Don't get me wrong, I just don't like to dwell the heaviness of these feelings.

I would often stare at random things seemingly thinking of things yet my mind is clearly blank. I spaced out often times and I don't know why.

Whenever I check myself in the mirror, I often find my sad self smiling while tears streaming down my face. I often wondered if my life is some kind of soap opera that had a tragic kind of genre.

See, I still had found a way to make someone smile through this. I know that others thought that I am not taking life seriously but hell, I'm hell bent serious.

If you could only see my face.... I am looking ten years older than my actual age because of the seriousness I had.

Well, seriously... I quite hurt every time my mother comments and say mean things over the decisions I make or made by far. She would often find faults in these decisions and I am quite hurt by her side comments.

I know that I'm overly sensitive of it but still I can't help it.

I grew up that she's not by my side. Considering that I'm a third child and a second daughter in the family. I had a big brother who often brought me along with him in the forest to gather some twigs and dried branches for our daily use in cooking. You know, he taught me how to climb to trees and taught me how to pasture our animals in the huge farm we had back then. Then an introvert elder sister and a spoiled younger sister.

We're just four but we were quite different with each other... I was close with my elder brother... as he was the only one who will be left with me during the times that our parents would took my two sisters to a bigger city.

It was quite a childhood. I was a mischief as I often stole some fruits that was supposed to be sell at the local market. My mother would often chase me with a stick in hand and whipped me with it and I was crying helplessly begging her not to hit with the stick. It hurts like hell so that's why.

I can only count in my fingers the times I had a good memory with my mother. We often quarreled at simple things and sometimes I miss our banters like that.

When I was getting in my teenage years, I was quite rebellious. That was the time I realized how far our connections. I had been growing as an independent child as I did not want to call her whenever I feel something not good as she only scolded me.

I always felt that I was at fault in everything and she often told me that. She would always nag at how I did not study and not getting in the honor roles and climbing up on stage when the commencement exercises in March came. When some of my classmates she knew were honor students yet I was not like them.

So, she was never proud of me.

I don't know... I never felt that she's proud of me...

She's the type of mother that was cold and unfeeling. She focused on how to raise money to raise and educate us and never bothered with anything. I was just thankful that my father was still there. Seemingly cared about us. All of us siblings were quite close to him. He was the one we often called when there's a problem and whenever we have some favor to ask from them. He was the one we would approach and ask because he knew what we feel and need. He was the on who acted as our mother than our actual mother as she was the provider. Their roles were reversed.

She never bothered how I felt and never asked so I grew up keeping things from her. Even to my other siblings. It was because I was afraid that she would get angry because it was wrong move again and she could be really mean when she opened her mouth.

There was a time when I was still in elementary. I was in grade five and I was the second honor of our class. Then it was also the same occasion of my elder brother and sister who were valedictorians in their high school years. So, she prioritized them over me because they were more important than my awards.

Hell... My brother was always first in class and he will take home all awards leaving everyone crying because they got none of those medals he wore around his neck. So, I was very excited to receive my first ever award as an honor student back then but she never came during the pinning of the award and mother of my classmate who took pity on me... was the one who pinned the ribbon I got as an award.

You know the happiness I felt back then were drained and left me devastated instead so I never strived harder to get to the honor role since then.. I lost my motivation to do well in the class and excel because of it. Because she would never care for me...

Reality...

I often cried and asked why she's like that. I often cried and buried myself to sleep asking if she ever loved me or even valued me like she did to my elder brother and sister as she always find the wrong in everything I do.

She would often correct me in the manner that I hate the most. She would embarrass me in front of so many people and she will still say that I was the one at fault...

When I turned to a teenager, I wanted to get into the public school as I wanted to participate in the extra curricular activities. They were not in the private school which I graduated. My classmates were in public schools and I was a 'priveledged one' because I studied in a private school but what greeted me back then was the bullying of my own classmates.

And there came a point that I don't want to go to school as they endlessly bullied me. I was a country bumpkin. Not a city girl who knew how to make herself pretty. I was an unkempt teenager back then.. My clothes were crumpled as I washed it and ironed it myself even though I don't know how to. I just copied my elder sister when she ironed her own clothes...

My mother would just nag at me as I burnt my uniform when I ironed it and the iron plate was too hot for my uniform... well, I really don't know back then... so I had no choice but to wear that burnt blouse and crumpled skirt..

As you all think.. I was quite pitiful as I was learning things my own and hard way... and eventually... I felt suffocated.