Alone?

Have you ever been up at night hoping that your life could have meaning? wishing you could have some reason to go on? I have every day for the past year night after night, day after day living a lie that other thought was truth. Everyone has an image of me I can't keep up because it's become too hard to keep this lie a truth. Why can't I be like everyone else, why can't I speak like a normal person, why do I have to be so different? Well it's simple I've always been like this since I was young the difference now is I realize how alone I actually am when I was a kid it was no friends now I have no friends or family.... maybe it was my tendency to talk consistently without taking a single breath between sentences or maybe it was because I was never cared about in the first place. Look at me now are you proud of me mom? grandma? Your little boy has accomplished nothing in his entire life and now as you look down on me where ever you may be I worry about what you would say to me are you still proud of me or are you disappointed with where I am now. I remember the last time we spoke and I still cry every time I think about what you said to me last mom you said " now you care." Grandma you asked me when I was coming home. both of those words cut deeper than any knife could...you both were the most important people in my life now your distant memories left for me to drown in. as for my grandfather I'm scared that he will never forgive me for leaving but there's nothing I can do about that now as for me I think I might just keep sinking lower till I hit the bottom drowning with no chance of living no way to reach out. Where did I go wrong wait...what's this light...it's so warm...