Chapter 53: Frienimies to the End

Summary: Tense moments between friends and enemies alike

"Mr … Rasticore?" She asked, looking at the lizard man in front of her. "Now let's start with the basics. What makes you think you're the man qualified to kill who I'm looking for?" She asked the monster.

"I can't be killed by any conventional means and by most unconventional means. Hit me with anything and I just get back up again." The one eyed lizard responded.

"A relentless hunter, that can come in handy." She smiled, looking over the resume he offered her. "Now it says here you have a homemade dimensional chainsaw instead of dimensional scissors?" She asked for clarification.

"Yes, I made it specifically to make sure Heckapoo of the magical high commission is incapable of tracking me. I can make kills as anonymous as possible and as brutal as you want." He answered with a grin.

"Oh you really know how to sweet talk a lady." She blushed with a wave of her hand.

"Mmm." Gemini let out a grunt. She had no idea why he was so grumpy all the time now. He was a robot who shouldn't even feel irritated, let alone hungry. "And you're certain you can fight anybody with magical ability?"

"I've burnt alive demons, I've drowned merfolk, swatted pixies, even shattered a crazed gem creature once or twice." He pointed to the eyeball that had a crystal in it. "Put this little number here just as a little memento of it."

"Oh, you're exactly what I've been looking for." Many would deride her for having an attraction to monsters, but in an isolated area where no one was around to judge, she could at least imagine it. "We have four targets." She showed off a picture of the four nuisances. "Kill the first three, but bring the one with the mole to me."

"Hmm." The man stared at the photos, giving her a nod. "Understood. Do you have a method of tracking them?"

"Yes, a locator spell I recovered when they dropped objects. One such being a bobby pin of all things." She looked at the object. "Not sure why they even had it on hand."

"You'd be surprised by how handy they can be. Tooth picks, lock picks, even had to use one to choke one of my targets." Rasticore explained casually.

"Now that's an image." Ms Heinius nodded. "Mr Rasticore, I think this is the start of a beautiful partnership." She held out her hand.

"And hopefully more." The man held it, tenderly kissing the back of it.

"How dare you sir, I ought to.." Gemini tried to barge in on the moment, but a swift elbow into his face quickly shut him up."

"Pardon him, he's a bit..old school." For some reason, monsters never particularly bothered her like it did with Saint Olga herself. She couldn't recall the exact reason why though.

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"And that, my friend, is why solar power is the way to go." Marco explained new forms of energy to Steven, seeing as they were still working on earth culture, and the girls were having a 'shopping day' or something.

"But the sun is gonna die out in about ten billion years." Steven argued with him.

"Can you even count that high?"

"I once got to one million when I was six and super bored." The boy shrugged. "Mom just told me about the 'boy queen' Jushtin, and how smart he was with numbers, so I thought, 'why not'?"

"Once again, I'm filled with so many answers and questions at the same time." He's definitely gotten a lot more context on Mewman culture since Steven's come to earth. "Now let's move on to memes...."

A flaming carriage emerged from the ground next to them, a second later a skeleton butler walked out, opening the door to reveal Tom. "Hey there, buddies." The demon waved at them.

"... There's some you should avoid, but you shouldn't ignore all memes." Marco said as they walked on. "They have some purpose if it's to introduce themselves into conversations. Like, laughing on your phone and showing it to someone else."

"Oh, so like an ice breaker for awkward antisocial people?"

"Exactly!" It was nice to teach a boy something new about human culture. This must be why the teachers at his school work for such little money.

"Uh, hello, I'm still here, in case you didn't hear me the first time, heh." Tom got in the middle of them and made it impossible to avoid eye contact.

"Star isn't here right now, Tom. I can tell her you came by later, but whether she calls you is on her." Steven addressed the most likely reason why the demon was here.

"No, I came by for you guys." That got them to stop, Marco raising his fists and Steven forming his shield. "Not to fight, I just wanna spend a day as … friends."

"You…want to be friends…with us?" Marco asked incredulously, sharing the same look of disbelief Steven had. "With me? The guy you hate because I'm a guy that's friends with your ex?"

"Look, I, I know that in the past, I came off as a little…rude to you both."

"You set me on fire." Steven deadpanned.

"You tried to send me to trash island." Marco added.

"Like I said, mistakes were made. But, I am trying to be a better person in general, not just because of Star. And what better way to do that than to bury the hatchet between the three of us?"

"The last time you tried to 'bury the hatchet' was at the Blood Moon Ball, which snowballed into me fusing with two different girls on multiple occasions, one of which has a crush on me."

"That's a thing you do…you know what, I'll question that later." Tom shook his head. "Well this time, it'll be nothing like the blood moon ball, because it's just going to be the three of us, with no girls, no parents, and no snobby aristocrat nonsense judging us like we're below them."

Marco was someone that did want to give benefit of the doubt to people, and he knew Steven was the same way. There was just one thing he needed to know. "Be honest, does this have anything to do with your anger management?"

"I may or may not have been advised by someone who may not be a therapist to theoretically hang around the people I despise the most in a purely hypothetical scenario in order to officially graduate from said purely theoretical therapy."

"I do know evil evil therapy is, and I wouldn't wish it upon my most hated enemies." The Butterfly siblings were never going to let him live that down, were they?

"So you hate us so much you have to stay around us for an entire day without blowing your lid …" Marco smirked. "I'm going to abuse that to a T."

"Can't say I didn't walk into that one." Tom groaned. "Just, please, give me just one chance to show I can actually be a good guy. I'm tired of being angry all the time."

"Wait, so you actually WANT to be in therapy?" Marco asked with a spark of hope.

"Yes. I admit it started OUT as a way to get Star to warm up to me again, but when I started taking the lessons seriously, I realized just how many inner-demons a demon can actually have." Tom sighed. "If it wasn't for the fact I'm rich, I'd be treated exactly like a monster."

"Wait, is THAT the reason why monsters are treated the way they are?" Steven asked with dumbfoundment.

"Well … yeah." Tom shrugged. "I have three eyes, horns, and breath fire. I'd be kicked out if I wasn't part of a royal family."

"..." Steven looked at both of them with a forced smile on his face. "Excuse me gentlemen, I need to break something." Steven walked into a random alley, where they felt the ground shake below them as cracks formed into the cement. Green bubbles flew into the sky and created various destructive effects.

"Did … how did he not notice that we're treated completely differently?" Tom asked him. "I mean the Pigeons are just giant animals that don't speak English, and don't even get me started on the messed up body that's the Ponyhead kingdom." 

"He sees everyone as equal without preconceptions, but it's nice to know other people can point out the hypocrisy."

"My home is in the underworld, I LIVE with hypocrisy at its finest."

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"Girls, today we embark on the most vital mission of our lives." Jana was dragged into another dimension by Star along with Kelly as they entered what looked like a giant shopping mall. "It will shake the very foundation of our friendship, and determine just how trustworthy we are as allies and comrades in arms."

"Star, buddy, I'm going to be blunt here." Jana started. "I love you and your crazy lifestyle, but I am not going to spend a day at the mall shopping like girls in the movies do, even if it's at a weird place like this."

"Oh that, no, I have Pony Head for that kind of thing. No, what I'm talking about is even more important: My brother's birthday…his first birthday celebrating it on the REAL date."

"Oh, that's a thing." Kelly answered. "I knew he was adopted, but I kinda forgot the fact that would change his whole celebration date in hindsight."

"Yeah, it's a little weird, the only thing Glosseryck told my parents before the whole thing was that he was a year younger than me." Star shrugged.

"But he matches your height, doesn't he?" Kelly asked. "Is he just tall for his age?"

"Maybe it's shapeshifting?" They looked at Jana. "He subconsciously latched on to Star right? Maybe he's only 13 because he thinks he's 13 and used her height as a base."

"You really are the brains in Quana aren't you." Star deadpanned.

"I see it more as being captain on a boat of imagination, and he's the coal fueling it forward." Jana thought about it for a second. "We can shapeshift almost anything around us if we focus hard enough."

"So if Steven never met Star, would he have been as short as me?" Tad asked from the inside of Kelly's hair, having returned from another apparent hospital trip.

"Maybe, maybe not. The only thing I know is that I've never let Steven down on his birthday once, and I don't plan on doing it anytime soon." Star said with a determined glint in her eyes. "I'm going to make it the best birthday ever, even if it kills me!"

"I know of a treat calibrator on Isle G9." Tad said. "If you put in enough magic crystals and goat blood, you can make any sweet you want. Even cookie cats."

"No way are we harming Quartz Jr!" Star shouted. "Now come on, we have an infinite store to explore and plenty of options to work with!"

"An infinite store huh…what could you get a guy that's a prince who could theoretically have whatever he wanted?" Jana wondered. 

"Something that screams him, from the heart, sentimental." Star listed off.

"He likes pink, he likes music, and he has a habit of collecting stray animals." Kelly brought up. "I'm honestly surprised he doesn't own his own zoo by this point."

"Why don't we get him a minituar farm to put them all in?" Jana asked. "You know, like a pocket dimension."

"Lion already has that." Star said. "But then again nobody can breathe there …"

"Weapons are definitely off the table, it's a miracle he's willing to fight at all with how much he tries to be a pacifist." Kelly listened.

"Why not armor then?" Jana asked. "I mean he can definitely use a leg up in something durable but fashionable."

"The guy usually wears all pink, not sure how fashionable you can make that." Tad grumbled, though that was met with Kelly flicking him on the head.

"Hey, he super rocks it." Star called out. "And so did Rose … hmm." Star tapped her foot. "Maybe we could get him a garden? His last attempt with plants just led to the island of Melon and Corn children … name pending."

"I still have the one Watermelon Quartz living in my bedroom, cute little guy." Jana laughed. "I send him whenever I need to pay my mob debts." She remembered the little guy driving to her house and taking out a mob boss out of the trunk, tapping a rusty pipe in his hand … she never felt so maternally proud of anything in her life.

"Yeah…so you like Steven, right?" Kelly asked with a tentative look on her face.

"Oh, yeah." Jana shrugged. "After the whole fiasco though, I'm just gonna give him some breathing room … well i'm gonna show up for the party, who wouldn't?" She smiled.

"Yeah, definitely." The green haired girl rubbed her arms. "And when you formed Quana, what did it feel like? Was there this distinct desire you had to go back to that feeling?" For some reason Star and Tad both gave the girl looks after that.

"Fun, free, joy filled." She answered. "And nah, Quana just wanted to have their fill of entertainment. When they knew it was time to stop we plopped out of it. I just view it as playing video games with someone, it would be nice to do it again sometime." But she could live without it.

"That's somehow the best viewpoint of fusion anybody has had in the best few months." Star sighed.

"Wasn't Garnet the lover chick fused for centuries?" Jana asked.

"Barring that because she's honestly so casual about it I almost forgot Sapphire and Ruby were a thing." In all honesty, Jana almost forgot that those two were a part of the whole crystal gem team too. "Heads up, don't go down to the temple for a while, all the gems are in a bad mood, worse than usual."

"Great, double the drama Amethyst used to complain about." Jana groaned. "This is taking a while … maybe we should ask one of those guys working here for help." The princess and woolet looked at her, before each other, and then started laughing. "Bad joke?"

"Yeah … they're the worst at their jobs." Kelly snorted. "That's ignoring the fact they're sloths. Maybe if we had a map of this place…" The girl couldn't finish as a rip in the middle of the air in the shape of an X formed right in front of them. 

A lizard man with a chainsaw and a crystal eye stood before them. "Oh, awesome, terminator!" Jana shouted with excitement. "Are you here to kill us to save the future or something?"

"Please, no more time travel!" Star groaned. "I can't get in trouble with Omnitraxus Prime again."

"Nope, paid assassin." Oh, significantly less cool. The man pulled out a couple photos. "Let's see … two of the targets are here. Bushy hair and Blondie. You're free to leave, Bean Bag."

"Targets?" Star glared at the man as she pointed her wand at him. "I'll choose to ignore the fact you're a Sertarian and ask what targets?"

"You know you're stuff." They looked over the papers. "You two, some chubby kid with black hair, and a princess with a mole I'm supposed to bring alive."

"RAINBOW FIST BLAST!" Star wasted no time to fire her wand when the news reached her head, only for the freaky amazing sight to turn to horror when the man was still standing with a giant gap in the middle of his body. "I hate regeneration powers."

"I don't suppose we can talk you out of this?" Tad asked with trepidation at the man that just fixed a hole in his chest.

"Sure, just offer double what she paid for each of you."

"Star, you have enough money, right?" Kelly asked legitimately.

"No, mom cut my allowance, Marco's out of royalty money until next week, and I've been saving everything for Steven's birthday."

"In that case … run!" Jana grabbed their hands, making a break for it as the man started chasing after them. "Star, how did you defeat regeneration last time!?"

"I couldn't do anything that even scratched Toffee until I blew up the wand!" Star showed off her busted crystal. "I don't think that's going to fly a second time!"

"So we have an arsenal the size of a store!" Kelly reasoned. "Something's gotta work on him, right!?"

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Tom came back with popcorn, silently handing it to Marco and Steven as the zombie of Mackie Hand kicked the security guard's asses. "He's pretty good." Tom spoke silently, taking a bite of food.

"Yep, one of the best. Such a shame he died during his final movie, which ironically had him die in the story." Marco's eyes were intently glued on the scene. "Hey Steven, if you're healing spit works again, maybe we can actually bring him back to full life."

"I don't know, he seems pretty happy now." Steven said, gesturing to said zombie. "It would kinda just be forcing something to go against itself, I don't wanna get rid of his peace."

"Geesh, that's a depressing way to look at resurrection." Tom commented as he tossed a few kernels into his mouth. "So, since when do you go by Steven?"

"Found my real dad, we had a nice bonding moment. Then I saw a video tape of my mom, a very emotional moment. Then I fused with Jana and became a fun loving kid, and that just kinda made me love … myself I guess." Star's brother said with a content smile. "Like, there was this one part of me I didn't know I didn't like until she helped me see it could be okay."

"You're preaching to the quire here. I have like, a million demon souls trapped inside of my body right now, each one of them fueled by malice and anger that's boiling over like a pot."

"If they're trapped why not just let them out into a cage?" Marco asked.

"Demon physiology, they're something I was born with, something with my mother devouring the damned in order to give birth, it's a whole thing." Tom shrugged. "I thought about demoncism, but that can radically change my brain, so it's a last resort sort of thing."

"I wouldn't go that far, even if you are a jerk." Steven said, watching as Mackie Hand kicked a guy so hard he did a quadruple backflip mid air. "We kinda burned St. Olga's to the ground for that in the first place."

"Oh, so that's why all the princes keep getting invited to a rave there." It was tempting to accept, but there was only one shining star in his eyes. "So how have things worked with that girlfriend of yours?"

"Kelly's not my girlfriend. Probably never will be after that mess of a sleepover." Steven rolled his eyes. "I'm just about done trying to fix the situation on that front, I've made so many mistakes that I've ruined any chance at it."

"Oh come on now, that's not true, there's always a way to fix it." He patted the boy's back. "Otherwise I'd never have a chance with the only girl I ever liked and pretty much just … not going down that train of thought." He took a couple of therapy breaths. "It's okay to accept love, even if you don't feel like you deserve it.

"I can accept love." The boy shrugged. "I have Star and I love her like a sister … The problem is romance, it's way too complicated."

"Amen." Both him and Marco said at the time. "Oh what do you have to complain about, you have Star right where you want her." Tom glared at the boy.

"Actually, thanks to Truth or Punishment … he confessed that he liked Jackie and Saddie confessed she liked him … in the same room." Steven said awkwardly.

"Yeah, it's going to be double awkward for me to enter the Big Donut now." Marco sighed.

"Ouch." Tom said. "Now I feel bad about putting that curse on you."

"What curse?" Marco asked with a shrill voice.

"Relax, if you're not asking Star out, then it shouldn't pop up." Probably. "Either way, don't give up on finding a relationship. I know this might be awkward for you to hear, because you're her brother, but…Star's the first once that gave me a chance. I'm always going to like her just for that alone."

"That does sound a little nice." Steven let out a small smile. "You know, therapy on demons actually works, today has been the most chill and relaxed i've ever felt." He said as a police officer screamed for mercy. "I honestly wonder why we haven't been arrested for the shenanigans that happen around us."

"Our police force is very … very … incompetent." Marco sighed. "Do you think the girls are doing fine?"

"It's just a shopping trick." Steven shrugged. "Girls do it all the time."

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"Lightsabers do nothing against him!" Kelly shouted as they began climbing another Isle. "Neither does freezing, burning, shocking, have we tried mental attacks!?"

"None of us can read minds!" Star yelled at her, throwing a knife feebly at the assassin. "Well, Steven sort of can, but I almost drowned in a dream last time!"

"Lasers are doing diddly-squat too!" Jana said as she pointed her blaster at the lizard man. "Beams, pulses, waves, they're doing zilch!" It was not looking good.

"You gonna keep running? I can do this all day you know!" The monster laughed, crawling up the side of a wall as he crawled up. Kelly just groaned as she ran with the others.

"Can't we just telepo-wait no, he has the chainsaw." Jana grumbled. "Any spells you have that can get rid of him on a cellular level!?"

"Cellu-what now?" Star asked with a confused look.

"Basically destroys him to the point where there's no blood or germs of him left!"'Jana shouted as she threw an entire shelf of kitchen sinks at the assassin. "I know this is rich coming from me, but pay attention to school more!"

"The only thing I can think of is Steven's bubbles if they're big enough, but it's a little hard to focus on creating them with this asshole on our tails!" Star shouted. "Dang it, where's a tank of acid when you need it!?"

"Three isles down, to your right!" Tad shouted, grabbing their attention to the object they would soon be forced to crash into.

"Even for a store that sells everything, there needs to be some kind of limit for what's sold!" Kelly wished she had the time to complain more, but it was hard to do with a regenerating lizard monster on her tail.

"Okay, on the count of three, let's jump over it, and blast him in there!" Star shouted at them.

"I'm right behind you, I can hear everything you're saying!"

"Then you don't mind if I do this then!" Kelly ran up to the lizard, and thrusted her sword right into the man's chest before climbing on his back, using her hair to blind the man. "Take your shot now, Star! Throw him in!"

"Raspberry Ribbon Lasso!" Star summoned a red vine that smelled fruity, wrapping the assassin up and thrusting him forward. "Have a nice swim! Hope the water's warm enough for yah!"

"Okay …" Kelly panted, taking a seat. "Finally can get a breath-" A clawed hand came from the pool of acid, scratching its way up. "Oh come on!"

On the plus side, it did somewhat. Their body was extremely damaged, almost skeletal for everything barring their armored hand, and the gemstone that fell out of their eye. "... Damn it … really have … lost my edge …" They spoke as their bones started to snap. "... That can't be good."

"It'll be a whole lot worse if yah don't start talking now, buster." Star readied a turbo nuclear butterfly blast. "Who the heck sent yeah!?"

"Star." Kelly started. "He had four pictures, and one of them clearly sounded like Marco in a dress. We only know one person that he pissed off doing that."

"Oh yeah, guess Miss Heinous is a bit bitter." Star thought about it for a second, before shrugging. "Eh, if it's just some old hag, then we don't have to worry about her."

"I wouldn't … be so … shit, need to hide." The skeleton pulled out the chainsaw, feebly pulling on the cord. "Come on." And again. "Not this again." And once more. "... A little help before I lose everything but my one good arm?"

"Fine, but just because Steven would hate it if we let someone die." Kelly responded and lifted the man out of the vat, as Star revved up the engine and cut open a portal for him.

"Thanks … oh, be careful of that." He pointed to the gem as his arm fell off, crawling to the edge of the vortex. "Picking it up … from earth … helped me heal-" They couldn't speak on the account of being reduced to an exposed arm, weakly crawling through the portal.

"What would a Serpantarian be doing with a Gem?! This is seriously giving me more Toffee flashbacks then it needs to." Star picked up the rock, and placed it in a green bubble. "Great, now I'm using my bro's glitchy powers too." The bubble zapped her as if in response. "Just great. And we still didn't find a present."

"If only they sold cookie cats here, then it'd be perfect." Jana sighed.

"Ooh….we….have…the…last cookie…cat…in the…universe….in the ….back room…" one of the sloth employees pointed to the east.

"I thought you said they weren't helpful?" Jana asked them.

"They aren't, at least whenever I come here." Kelly grumbled. "Gem tech, lizard people, everything is just getting harder and harder to fight. If Stelly was here, they would've chopped him to pieces." She and Steven wouldn't have to worry about holding back either. The perfect opponent for them, and the boy wasn't here with her.

"And then he would have grown back." Star deadpanned with spite. "Now come on, lets get him that cookie cat, for the perfect birthday!"

"Yeah!" Jana shouted, before turning to her. "Hey, you still had the backbone to charge a sword right into his heart and blind him. You don't need fusion to fight."

"Mmm." Kelly just made a grunt and walked ahead, trying to ignore how weird it was to be around the girl that had a crush on Steven. It was weird when they weren't someone they could dislike.