1 Chapter 1: Royal Fuck Up

The sound of screaming and people's feet striking the ground echoes in the streets, early in the morning. A group of five men chasing a single man is seen. That man is me. (Hi my name is Jason, and I'm currently running like a little bitch down the street. Why am I running? Why I'm glad you asked, I may have gotten super drunk in the bar and hit on some chicks in the bar. Said chicks had boyfriends, so here I am running from five absolutely pissed, very buff dudes. Yeah I fucked up big time. nothing sobers you up like the threat of imminent death. And this is the start of a very unfortunate series of events...why am I talking to myself? Damn I watch too much anime, I'm freaking monologuing.)

Crowd: Get back here you bastard!

Against my better judgement I yell "it's not my fault the girls looked like they were alone, and bored out of their minds!" Yeah that was an error in judgement on my end. As I run, I hear them yell.

Crowd: "You're fucking dead!"

My expression is the same as what is happening in my mind (Shit I'm so fucking stupid, in what universe was that a good response!?) My thoughts of despair are interrupted by the feeling of something slamming into my side. I feel my bones start crunching under the pressure. (Shit...did I get hit by a truck...?)

(A/N yes I kept the joke) You thought it was a truck, but it was me taco stand!

My body crashes against the railing on the road. (Shit of all the ways to go out...getting wasted by a taco stand? well, coulda been worse. I once saw an anime where the MC had a heart attack from thinking a tractor was a truck... Why that was what came into my mind, I don't know.) One of the men crouches next to me

Man1: Hey! someone help me put pressure on this wound, it won't stop bleeding!

I glance over and see what he was talking about...the force of the impact had all but ripped my left arm off. The blood keeps flooding out. More of the men arrive.

Man2: Jesus, we were just gonna rough him up a bit. Cmon don't croak on us. Dammit, if you die it'll be our fault! Guys, we need to reevaluate our life choices.

The other men nod in agreement as they try to keep me alive. (Well shit, they're actually nice guys. If my lungs weren't filled with blood, I'd tell them it wasn't their fault.)

I can tell by the state of my body, that I am not going to survive. My left arm has essentially been amputated, my lungs are filled with blood, my vision is tinted red from the capillaries in my eye rupturing, and I'm too weak to move at all. (Damn this hurts, this fucking sucks. It's the middle of summer, why does it feel so fucking cold?! Oh, it's not cold...I'm getting closer to dying. So tired...I'm gonna close my eyes for a bit.)

My eyes close as my conscience fades away. I snap awake. My eyes open and I'm in a white room that can only be described as a paradox. it seems to go on forever yet also feels like it is a small space. I look up and say "Guess that's it, I'm dead." I hear a voice from behind me.

???: No shit Sherlock.

I look back and see a woman sitting in a chair. She has an expression like she had to scrap shit off of her boot. She has long silver-white hair that reaches her legs, deep crystal-blue eyes that look like they're looking into my soul, and is wearing a dress that is an odd mix of ancient Greek styles and modern at the same time. She introduces herself as a goddess. She then places her head in her hands.

Goddess: Why do I always get the dumb ones?

I scratch my head and say "I'm not dumb." She shakes her head and pulls up some kind of window.

Goddess: Then I guess dying by being hit by a taco stand after hitting on girls in the bar, and being chased by their boyfriends is the epitome of intelligence? What were you even drinking? Her eyes glance to the window. Let's see he's drinking.....WAIT, THE HELL IS THAT?! IS THAT RUM, GIN, VODKA, AND BEER CHASED WITH HOT SAUCE AND BARBECUE SAUCE!?!?

She covers her mouth as she tries to prevent herself from getting sick. I desperately try to get her to change the subject "Okay! Okay! I got your point, not the most intelligent moment of my life...I guess it's afterlife now." She shakes her head like she's given up on something.

Goddess: I'm just gonna reincarnate you so the readers don't have to listen to these bad jokes anymore.

I cock my head to the side and say "readers?" However before I can hear who she was talking about, a flash of light envelopes me. This is the start of my new life. Hopefully it doesn't end quickly, or as dumbly as my previous one.