1 Summer Sunset

Jimin's POV

It's tough living alone. What's even tougher is not being able to share the beautiful moments with someone you love and care about. You know there are those moments that just come your way unexpectedly and send your heart racing and just for a split second you wish you had someone beside you to share that moment with? Yeah, those moments.

"It's a lonely world," I sigh as I walk through the city dodging traffic.

Work was crazy today - between deadlines and uncooperative colleagues - I was exhausted mentally and physically and I had this insane need to decompress. Take a step back, get some fresh air and unwind and my best cure for that is a walk along the river. One among the many things that makes this city beautiful is the Han River that cuts through it. There is something insanely beautiful about cities that have rivers flowing through them. They give them a sense of continuity and some... mystery.

I come here often. I love sitting on the park benches along the river. My favorite time is the evening time, especially just when the sun is setting and the city comes alive preparing for the bustling nights - nights so full of life you'd think that the day has more than twenty four hours. I think it's only at night that one can really appreciate the beauty of having a river in the city - the multicolored lights reflecting across the river, the lit up bridges, the restaurants on the water, the live bands playing at the pop up pubs along the river, the occasional cruise ship docked at the river and just the wind and water... peaceful.

I get there just in time to see the sun set. The sun is already dipping behind the horizon, but the daylight still lingers in the air as though it has been accidentally left behind. Clouds change to hues of orange, and then almost tangerine. Silhouettes of birds far away flying home across a sky that is now magenta and the city lights slowly come alive painting the beautiful canvas that is the water surface. A gust of wind blows across the river bringing with it a nice chill that sends a shiver down my spine. While it is summer, areas around the river are usually cooler - another reason I love coming here.

The summer sunset has always had the ability to evoke emotions in me and gives me a longing for things - things that were long buried and almost forgotten. Almost. Just looking at the sky reminds me of how nice it is to feel. Can you imagine that somewhere in this universe, there is someone who has no feelings? I think feelings are what define being human. The ability to cry when you see a beautiful sky at sunset or laugh till it hurts is a gift!

I love how the lights on the restaurants along the river are mellow, how the music is soft and how the mood is... oh so romantic... so gentle... so... so inviting. My mind wanders and snippets of my life come running through my mind. I am feeling particularly nostalgic today. Then there is just this feeling I get at the core of my being that the tides are shifting and I can feel a change is coming. Whether it's a good or bad change, I cannot tell you that. All I know is, something is going to happen. I can feel it in my bones. Trust me, I am no superstitious person; let's call it... instinct. Yeah... I am gonna go with that.

I find a lonely park bench and sit. A lot of the other benches are littered with couples wiling the evening away after a hard day at work.

See, this is what I terribly miss. Having that someone who I get to ho hone to, spend the end of my day with, take walks along the river like this walking hand in hand, stealing kisses and giggling at silly things like school girls. For the first time in a long time, I feel... I feel incomplete.

There is a massive cruise boat docked on the river. I wonder in my mind what assortment of nationalities of people it carries. Imagine someone from across the world say Europe decided that they would just drop everything and take a cruise around the world. Isn't that cool? I wonder if have the marbles to do that. If I do, would I want to do it alone or with someone? I think taking a cruise alone would be the loneliest thing ever. Ah... The musings of my mind.

On the top deck of the cruise ship there is a beautiful dining area. Since its summer, there are fairy lights tucked in mason jars beside a cute vase of artificial flowers as center pieces on the tables. I think they could do better in terms of the dressing their tables, otherwise, they did a great job in pulling the whole romantic mood thing they have going on.

On one of the table sits a lovely and so-in-love couple having dinner. I love watching couples in love and even though love has beaten me black and blue, I couldn't give up the idea of it... even if my ass was on fire. What can I say? I am hopeless romantic and I am confident that I will get my shot at love. The guy - so yummy to look at - reaches out across the table and tucks the lady's blonde locks behind her ear making her blush as she plays with her fingers. For a minute or two, I play the 'guess their nationality' game. I have had my fair share of travel due to work mostly and I can tell they are European, I couldn't pinpoint the nationality. But that is beside the point.

Their interaction is absolutely adorable I can't help but feel a little jealous. If I was to guess, by the number of times the blonde lady looks at the ring on her finger, I would say, they are either on their honeymoon or engagement... whatever it is called. Oh love. Why has it been so elusive? When will I ever get to experience that? I would like to trade places with her. I whine in my mind. With all these questions and ideas running through my head I can't help but laugh at myself. It is a laugh filled with pain and loneliness but there is an underlying longing and hope. One day honey, one day... I encourage myself.

My view of love has been shaped over the years since childhood. I grew up in a very loving and supportive family so I have never had confidence issues. My mom, my pillar as I always like to call her, showed me the wholeness of love. I think she is the true definition of love. I have never felt anything else but love for her and from her.

I remember every morning while getting me ready for school, she always reminded me of how much she loved me. She made a point to call me handsome and confident and made me feel like the world was at my feet. A prince, she always called me. Even though the world is a cruel place, she taught me to see the world as a glass half full.

Because of her, I saw the world through the eyes of love and found joy in the simplest of things like quiet walks along the river - as I am doing now - and the peace that accompanies it, the beauty of candle lit dinners in the summer nights, watching snow fall seated on my favorite couch at home with a hot cup of chocolate cuddled up in a fluffy blanket amongst other things. One doesn't need earth shattering events to see just how beautiful life is.

These notions, coupled with the fact that I was confident in myself and my abilities, I went out and conquered the world every day. I excelled in school, sports, had an amazing circle of friends and basically lived a wholesome life. I even had a very loving relationship. At least for a while. The thought of it now makes me gag and want to empty the contents of my stomach on these clean river banks.

Ugh! Relationships! I think it's a love-hate type of thing for me. I love them when they are right - made in heaven - if you will; and I hate them when they are wrong - forged in the deepest parts of hell. It is the ones carved in hell that I vehemently abhor.

For those who are not so lucky - like me - to find their soulmate on the first try, we have to kiss a frog or two to get to our prince charming. One thing I have made peace with is that, if it's not meant to be, no matter how much effort you put in, it never works out. You could climb the highest mountain for it, cross rivers and oceans and walk through fire but... it just won't work out. The tighter you hold one, the deeper the hurt.

It has been three years since I dated... three winters since I walked into a nightmare... three summers since I began my long journey to recovery. I could go on and on with the threes but well... you get the point.

For a moment, a pain surges through my chest at the memory of it and it feels like I am experiencing heart break all over again. My heartbreak was grief that came in waves, grueling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It was a shard in my guts that never left, in time the edges have become dull. It felt like death just the same as bereavement and in quiet moments it choked the breath from my body and short circuited my mind. What was once whole was shattered; where once peace was emptiness took over, echoes of a love I put my everything into.

I find myself struggling to breathe. This can't be happening to me. I am in a public space. I think to myself. I grip on to the arm of the park bench so tightly and concentrate on the pain in my palms and not the one in my chest as I will my lungs to work. My nails dig deep onto the corroded metal to give myself a better grasp of my tipping world - to give myself one more hope that I will succeed in digging myself out of the black hole that threatens to consume me.

A tear rolls onto my cheek, but I don't care; I have to stay focused. I cannot let it consume me again. I am better. I close my eyes and go to my happy place. I concentrate on my breathing as practiced in my therapy sessions and slowly my heart rate gets back to normal and I feel I can breathe again. It's like coming up for air from under water. I count backwards from fifty and slowly open my eyes, finding my balance once again.

Trust me, a year and a half ago, I would never have been able to pull myself out of this panic without losing consciousness. The very thought of how far I have come makes me smile and even though I am not completely where I want to be, I am proud of the steps I took to get where I am. Yes, my last relationship did one hell of a number of me. I fell into the very pits of hell and I saw no way out of it. I hit rock bottom.

The beauty of hitting rock bottom is that there is no other way but up. If you have ever experienced hardships and conquered them, you quickly realize that no matter what comes your way after that, you can handle it like a boss. So what if love had beat me black and blue? Recovery was tough but I was tougher and I was on my way up, nothing was going to stop me.

I had everything I could ever want in life - well almost everything - a mother who loved me deeply, friends who would gladly stand with me at a battlefront, a job I loved and was incredibly good at and above all, I had health - health that I had so furiously fought for and taken back control. That is all that mattered. What more could I ask for?

So here I am on this summer evening at a park bench along the river, watching the sun set and taking my much needed me time. If life had taught me one thing, it was that I needed to pause and smell the roses along the way. I mean, life is already a race and most of the time we are so busy chasing things that we forget to enjoy the present. So no matter what life threw at me, I was gonna appreciate every season of my life so that I had no regrets in the future. That was my way of lifting the middle finger at life and rocking it like a boss.

Dusk fades in slowly, the branches of the trees sway in the wind, creaking into the gusting air. The loud sounds of cars are muffled by the music that fills the air - signs of the awakening night life. A couple of people sing along to the music that the live band plays at the river bank.

Another day had gone by in beautiful Seoul.