4 Sorry Carly

"Sorry Carly..." I can hear Harris' sad voice echoing.

"Sorry Carly..."

"Sorry Carly..." while I'm trying to reach is clenched fist hand.

I suddenly opened my eyes. I was covered in sweat and catching my breath. I sat and embraced my knees. I was dreaming again.

"Sorry Carly" I repeated the last words I heard from Harris.

"Sorry Harris..." I tightened my embrace as tears were streaming down my face.

***

No matter how many times I try to sleep my mind is still wandering so I decided to get up and find food at the fridge. How many days am I here? Was it a week? I can't even remember when I started staying here.

I smiled at the pictures outside the fridge. I saw Mom, Dad, Andrei and a photo of me and Harris that was taken the last time we went here. I took that photo and placed it on the dining table. As I looked around, I noticed the plastic bags laying on the kitchen counter. I searched for its contents and found that it's mostly for baking. Mom knows that I can relax best when I'm baking or cooking.

I took everything out and placed it on the counter. I preheated the oven and after a few hours I finished baking. I looked at the freshly baked cupcakes. Normally I munch them right away after I bake but no matter how yummy they look I still don't have the appetite. I remembered at home this wouldn't last a day but now I don't have anyone to eat it with. I packed it carefully on the box and placed it inside the fridge and headed for some bath.

After the warm shower, I placed in my undergarments and stared at my reflection on the mirror. I can't recognize the cheerful and strong Carly that I built for 27 years. All I can see in the mirror is a thin woman with pale lips and dark circles around her eyes from constant crying. I look so pitiful.

I wore the dress I prepared and brushed my long black hair. I headed for the kitchen and took six pieces of cupcakes and placed it on another box for Aunt Celia. I wanted to thank her for her the food she's sending every noontime. I know it's tastes good but I can't consume it all.

Aunt Celia lives beside our house. So with the box on my hand, I went to her house and upon noticing that her door is opened I knocked and called her, "Aunt Celia?" and for the third time she answered with her sweet voice, "Hold on. Just a sec." Upon recognizing me, she immediately smiled and surprised at my sudden visit.

"Take a seat Carly" she gestured to their wooden chair. I tightened my grasp onto the box of cupcakes and it didn't escaped her eyes.

"Wow, you are baking again Carly. That's nice" she exclaimed joyously. I nodded and with my hands trembling a bit I handed the box to her. She accepted and thanked me right away.

"How are you Carly?" she asked.

"I'm good" was my fast reply and smiled forcefully.

"Just tell me if you need anything okay? We're just here. Are you eating the food I sent over?"

"Yes" was my answer even though I wanted to say no and they are all stacked up on my fridge.

"Aunt Celia, I'm going. I just dropped by to give you those cupcakes as a sign of my appreciation." I slightly bowed and went out.

I was greeted by the heat of the sun so I hurried inside. I sat on the couch and looked at my photo with Harris.

***

Today I chose to stay inside instead of going with my daily routine on going out every four o'clock in the afternoon. I went around the house and reminisced at all our memories. I opened the master's bedroom where Mom and Dad stays. I sat on the chair in front of the dresser where Mom usually sits after bath. I walked towards the veranda where Dad drinks his coffee. After that I went out and closed the door.

I headed to Andrei's room. I hope I made him feel how proud I am with him even though we have our ten year gap. I knew that if he was born before me, he would be a good and reliable big brother. I sat on his bed where he laid down while playing with his portable play station. He would get annoyed every time I bothered him but he would pause his game to accompany me. I touched his bed and then went out and closed it.

I went to my room last and took out my favorite black swimsuit and pink shorts. Beside it I placed my photo with Harris. After that, I laid on my bed and covered myself with my blanket. I closed my eyes until I dozed off to sleep.

***

It was breaking dawn when I got out of the house. I wore my black swimsuit and my pink shorts that I prepared yesterday while holding on to a photo of me and Harris. I closed the gate and headed for the beach. I stopped when I felt the cold water passed through my feet. I closed my eyes and listened at the birds flying in the dark sky. I can hear the waves crashing onto the sand. I could feel the blowing of the bone-chilling wind onto my body. I let my hair danced with it.

I opened my eyes and slowly walked until the water reached my chest. I stood there and watched as the sun slowly shed its light. I immersed myself in the middle of the sea and with it I freed my hands as I let go of me and Harris' photo.

3-31-2018