19 Chapter 19

"Haha! I knew it! Xena is a split personality!" She says.

"Y-yea. She is." I'm a bit nervous. I've never talked to a therapist before. I wonder what she thinks of me.

"But she seems to be the dominant persona. Is this not your body, Riley?"

"It is! I was just never strong enough to fight her before...but lately I've been able to slip through." My voice is still shaky.

"Wow. This is amazing. That explains her want for control. Okay so what's different between you two?"

"I'm in love with Elizabeth. She's in love with Zen."

"Oh jeez. That must be tough, watching her love someone else like that."

"It's only tough because I've been watching her live my life for 4 years." I feel myself start to tear up and a knot in my throat form. "The worst part about it is no one knew either. I was drowning in Silence."

"I'm sorry to hear that... you must have seen a lot."

"You don't even know." I start to shake my legs out of habit. She's really mean at times too and she says things like this is 'my body' or gets out of 'my head' when in actuality, it's mine. She just pushes me out of the way so she's in the spotlight all the time." I start to complain because I know she can hear me clearly. This is all I wanted, Xena. A chance to talk, a chance to be me. Why couldn't you give me that?

Weak. You are weak.

You have always been weak.

You are small and insignificant.

"Okay well nice to meet you, Riley!" Dr. Love smiles hard and wide.

"Nice to meet you too." My legs shook out of habit and my heart continued to jump. "Sorry I'm not very talkative, I get nervous often."

"Nervous about what?"

"Nervous about anything, really. But it's usually people. I feel like I'm always getting stared at or judged. It sucks too because I really like going outside. I like to hang out with friends and I just like walking around and shopping with them and stuff I guess. Spending time outside my house and away from my phone, ya know?"

"I understand completely. It's refreshing to hear a young person say that. Especially now."

"Yea. But Xena doesn't like doing that. She's more of a home body. She rather stay inside and wrap up in blankets and watch movies on her phone all day with her boyfriend or something."

"Yea, how is that? Their relationship I mean. I was just talking to her about it and they seem to be going through a rough spot and I was wondering if you could just shed some light on it since she wasn't very clear."

"I noticed she is very...dominant over him." I am NOT dominant over Zen. "She wears the pants in the relationship to say the least." She nods in agreement and starts to say 'mmmmmm'

"That makes sense though since she has controlling problems but she claims that she just likes order."

"Xena loves control. She doesn't like surprises at all. She finds them...inconvenient. She has this plan in her head about what she wants to happen and how others will react if certain things were to occur when she is ready to do something involving a person or a lot of people.. If events happen outside of that bubble that she thought of, she tends to get flustered and breaks down since she doesn't know what to do. And that's kinda why they are arguing now."

"What do you mean?"

"Zen isn't talking to her because ever since the party, Xena has been shutting him out since she didn't plan for the outcome."

"What happened at the party?"

"Elizabeth confessed her love to me. That's when I realized that I loved her too." I say very straightforward.

"Xena has been shutting him out how?"

"She won't tell him anything. She hasn't talked to him at all about what happened or even her feelings since then. She's been skipping lunch to avoid him and hasn't been engaging as much as she used to."

"Do you know why??"

Because of you. Whenever I'm around him, I'm not sure what I'll say anymore or how I will act or respond because of you. You've been pushing and annoying me for some spotlight but you have to realize that:

I made a life for myself. I won't let you change or ruin that because of some one off fucking feelings you have for a school hoe that passes her body around to any and every dick she encounters.

You're wrong about that and you know it. Stop with the bullshit.

"I honestly can't tell you why she likes to control so much... I honestly think it may be the thing with our parents. She watched it happen with me and that was really hard on us because she couldn't control the situation. She saw someone that she thought was an angel get beat night after night...it's pretty heavy on the mind."

"So how do you view your mom?"

"...She wasn't perfect. She had her flaws and anxiety often did get the best of her when she would beat my sister and I. She was a mess but she did what she could. I will always hold a little resentment against her but I will always love her as my mother." Mother was a saint. Mother was the one who put this scar on our back. Don't talk to me about how mother was a saint when you were watching from my eyes for the majority of those years.

"The differences between you two is amazingly diverse and different. Wow...you guys are truly fascinating. One more thing." She seemed curious. "What really did happen to your parents?"

No...no! Let me stay a little longer, please! Let me stay! I still want to live, I want to be here. Let me ta- moving places...moving places.

I uncross my legs and sit back on the couch. I look Dr. love in the eyes and there is hesitation as she sees my gaze is different and who she is actually talking to. "I really hope you enjoyed that talk with her. I really do. I'm not going to answer your question but instead I'm going to tell you two things."

"...okay." She was listening now.

"1:Don't ever. Ever. Ask about what happened to my parents. I'll share when I'm comfortable but not yet.

2: Don't ever force Riley out again. I didn't like that and she has no place here in my life as of right now."

"I disagree."

"It doesn't really matter what you think. I'm telling you don't do it again." I pick my back up and start to leave her office. "See you next Wednesday." The door slams behind me.

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