18 Chapter 18

I sit in the shower and let the water run all along my body and around the shape of my chest. The hot water was running all over me as it burned a bit but I just sat there...I just sat there. I haven't talked to Zen since he got mad at me recently. I don't know what to say to him. I really really don't. Thinking about talking to him makes me panic a bit. My heart felt like leaping out my chest. Elizabeth makes that panic go away though. I feel safe around her. I can't describe how she makes me feel or the way I want her but it's very...comforting. I thought I told you to fucking stop! Just stop! I grip my hair and start to pull and scratch at my scalp out of frustration. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop control control control control control control- I black out for a bit.

When I come back, red liquid starts to leave my body and go down the drain. I can't do this anymore, I can't I can't I can't. We have NEVER fought before so why now?!

BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT MY LIFE, I WANT MY BODY, I WANT ME BACK.

NO.

Then I will keep fighting you. I will never stop. I'm so tired of you pushing me over and telling me what to do. I'm not a pushover so st-

You're nothing but a bitch and you fucking know it. That's why I'm here in the first place, because you couldn't do not a godddamn thing. You are a pushover. You are nothing. I should pummel and beat your ass for what you pulled a couple days ago actually. Now shut the fuck up.

I need to go see Doctor Love.

It was Saturday morning and I had already called to make make an extra appointment with her because I just need to talk to someone. This is the first time I've ever felt like this because I usually just talk to... Zen.

"Hi, Xena! Nice to see you again, granted I did see you Wednesday." She seems happy. "Take a seat."

I do exactly that. "Hey, Ms. Love. Sorry I scheduled another appointment with you, it's just that I really needed to see you I think."

"Well what happened?"

"I just feel like... everything is going to shit and everything I had under control is now all over the place and out of order."

"Well where did this start???" She asked.

"In December I think."

"What happened then?"

"I went to a house party with my boyfriend and our friends and then that's where I had a talk with Elizabeth and...I don't know, her eyes caught me off guard. Her words were...heavy and moving. Somewhat alarming. That's when Elizabeth slipped into the picture. Again."

"What do you mean again?"

"I was friends with her two years ago until some things changed."

"Oh. She never told me that."

"Yea. And that's when..I don't know I just stopped talking to my boyfriend I guess. He just made me feel weird. "

"But why so out of the blue? Just one conversation changed that?"

"...yea."

"Did you ever tell him what happened that night??"

"...no."

"Do you plan on telling him?"

"...I honestly don't know. I can't even hang around him without feeling awkward around him."

"Maybe you should break up with him."

YES. "NO, I can't! I love him. He means the world to me?"

"He probably feels the same about you but he's probably so frustrated because you won't even talk to him or give him the time of day, sweetheart."

" I doubt he's like real- he yelled at me the other day... that really hurt my feelings actually...I don't know I just don't like him mad at me. It made me feel unsafe and I panicked a lot."

"You tend to panic a lot, Xena."

"Yea, it's whenever something out of my control or something I didn't expect happens. I think everything through, including responses. When they just pop up or shit just happens I tend to...freak."

"How long does this last?"

"Maybe 15 to 20 minutes. Sometimes I just have to sit and ignore it."

"...Xena it sounds like you have Anxiety and control issues."

"What??? No absolutely not. I don't have control issues. I just like things to go the way I want them to. That's all."

"That's controlling." She said.

"That's order." Order my ass.

"Ya know, Elizabeth told me something."

"Oh yea?"

"Yea. She didn't tell me directly but she did tell me nonetheless. Whenever I messaged her, she would only address you as Riley. Never Xena. It got me thinking so I asked your principal if Xena Ackerman, your name, was ever registered into the school. He said no but a girl named Riley that looked exactly like you was. So I want to text something."

"What?" I ask. I'm on edge now.

"Hi. I would like to talk to Ms. Riley Freeman. May you please come out?"

Oh no. My body shifts and moves and before I know it, she shoves me out of the spotlight. Moving places...moving places. I sit up nice and straight and cross my legs. I blink a couple times before focusing on Dr. Love. My stomach was unsettled and my palms were sweaty. "H-hi." I said. "I'm Riley Freeman."

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