6 Ch. 6: Do we live after?

I had no idea where we were going so I spent my time not worrying about it. I didn't bother and made sure to stay out of the way of Master Shaddoc and Master Wamo. They were obviously grieving and just being on the same ship as them was almost overwhelming, if I had been in the same room I probably would become extremely sick.

I made sure to jump into the refresher and eat some more, I still wasn't back to my previous physique and I wanted to change that but the ship didn't have many muscle building meals. It was all mostly to sate the hunger. Seems like we needed to get more supplies when we could, after getting to wherever we were going.

"Are we there yet?"

"Like I told you an hour ago, no we are not. We now have two hours left until we arrive so will you please, go do anything else!" Captain Ilawatizo growled at me. I knew I had been getting on her nerves but the ship only allowed so much for one to do by themselves.

"You keep saying that and yet there is nothing to do! You haven't even left your seat unless it was to use the refresher or grab something to eat quick so you know it's awkward to be out there just like I do. By the way we do need more—"

"Yes! I know we need more food! You also keep telling me that!"

"Look I don't care what you do. You said you wanted to get back into shape, go do that. You want to eat more of the paste we have, go do that to. Or, you know what? You could even go rub one out or whatever it is your species do to make themselves feel better that way I don't really care. But staying here, asking me the same question over and over again every thirty minutes is going to make me shoot you."

I sat up from the copilot's seat and really looked at her. It had been almost a day since the pirate attack and she still hadn't slept, her blue skin was starting to not look the correct shade. I had figured she'd want to after the whole chase and starship battle on Coruscant but she was still in her seat making sure our course was correct. Currently her mouth was closed tight and her teeth were almost audibly grinding together.

So yeah I think she was about ready to really shoot me.

"Guess I'll go find something to do," I mumbled out while scrambling out of the seat.

"While you're back there and since you've been complaining about the food go ahead and make a list of what we need. I don't care if you know what everyone likes or doesn't like we'll worry about that later. Right now we just need something," she threw out without looking back at me.

"Understood."

I left the cockpit but stopped to compose myself before going further. The overbearing feeling of the Jedi's grief was washing over me again and being up with Ilawatizo had dampened that greatly. Now I was walking straight towards it like I was about to receive a punishment. I veered off to the side and decided to spend the rest of the time in my new room that I was given. The less time I spent with them all, the better.

Imagine my surprise on who I found in my room...

I stood at the door for a while watching the Padawan stare at my lightsaber. I had it stashed away in the room since it seemed like walking around with it before put the Jedi on edge and I didn't want them to take it again. I should be angry at this child but he clearly was amazed and actually affectionate towards the weapon. He reached out and held the thing and that's when my senses kicked in.

He had touched my lightsaber.

HE had touched my lightsaber.

HE. TOUCHED. MY. LIGHTSABER.

The anger I knew I should have felt came crashing back into me. Having the Jedi Masters around me must have been dulling my connection to the Dark Side because I should have pounced on this child the moment I knew he even touched my greatest keepsake. I ripped the closest possession I had out of the child's grasp and my fury was clearly felt in the Force. The boy froze and didn't know what to do, I was blocking his only way to freedom and I had a weapon he had no defense against. He was literally hanging by a noose that he himself created.

"What's your name, boy."

The Lasat still stood there not saying anything.

"What's your name!"

He flinched and crouched low, probably used to beatings wherever the Jedi Masters picked him up from if that's his first response to someone yelling at him.

"Drazad Kad!"

"Drazad Kad? Well then 'Kad' I'm only going to say this once, because if it comes to me having to say it again I'll just take your arm off."

"Don't. Ever. Touch. This."

"I don't care if your Master never taught you how important this is to someone who uses the Force. I don't care if you grew up your whole life taking whatever you need to survive or if you really liked it. You ever touch this again without my approval and I will—"

"But it called out to me."

That brought me up short and killed my anger. I took another look at this kid who clearly had the fear of his god in his eyes but he was also trying to convey what he said. He was being honest, which could have been a first for him in his life or he just wasn't used to talking but he did it the only way he knew how. I mulled this over in my head until I came to a decision.

"Follow me."

I turned around quickly and walked back into the hallway, my anger and killing intent now forgotten. I didn't look back at the kid to see if he was following, either he would or he wouldn't. Either way it would be a way to get rid of him. We traveled back to the common area of the ship and took a different hallway to where the Jedi were staying at. I heard his steps falter slightly and even though my body started to physically react too, I pushed through it.

I walked right up to Master Wamo's door and before I could start to retch I banged on it loudly. I didn't stop until it slid open and she stood there with very puffy eyes and still trying to look proud. She knew we all heard her crying but it was clearly conveyed that we should act like nothing was wrong.

"Yes Zavart, what is it?"

"Can you teach us the ways of the Force."

The shock I saw on her face was obvious even if I wasn't Force sensitive.

"Teach....you.....the both of you?" She asked looking at myself and behind me at Kad. "I understand why I would need to teach Drazad but, you?"

"Let's just say my Master was....lacking in some areas of our training. And Kad needs to be taught now before he touches my lightsaber again and I take his hand."

There was a squeak behind me.

"Well, alright. Those are good reasons to start the training now it seems. Although Drazad still hasn't told me what his decision is, I don't think it would be wise to teach anything if he doesn't want to continue. I told you Drazad," here she focused on the kid. "The path of a Jedi is now going to be dangerous and full of people chasing us all the time. You need to be committed."

I stepped aside so the kid could make his case. Even though I had made my threat it was still up to him whether or not he wanted to take this big step forward, I couldn't coerce or force him into it.

"Can I sit in on a lesson or two while you teach Zavart? I don't want to step into this unless I know what it's really about."

So the kid was smart in some aspects. My opinion of him went up a few degrees.

I'd still take his hand though.

"Of course, that's no problem to me if it's not to you Zavart?" Here she turned to me with an almost pleading look in her eyes. I figured it out fairly quickly that she needed this more than the kid did. She grew up in the Jedi Order, surrounded by other Jedi and knowing there were thousands more in the galaxy at the time. Now, she could literally be one of the last handful left alive. Not wanting to feel alone was deeply rooted in both of them now and she was desperate to pass on her knowledge. Whether that would prove to rebuild the Jedi Order or not would remain to be seen.

"Yeah that's fine with me if it helps the kid make a decision."

Her face visibly brightened and she had a small smile on her face, probably the closest thing she felt to happiness since seeing the Jedi Temple in ruins.

.....yeah I'm not going to keep thinking about that in case she picks up on it.

"Let's move to the common area then, there's more room for us to sit."

She set off leading the way and we both followed her. I noticed a slight spring in her step and a more calming aura in her Force Signature but still left it alone. This was more for her and the kids benefit than it was my own.

As soon as she reached the common area she pushed the chairs on one side of the table off to the side and magnetized them in place there so they wouldn't move. We both sat down almost at the same time facing each other and crossed our legs, palms up and resting on our knees.

"Now, Zavart, I'm going to start this at the beginning. Almost like you're brand new to the Force so that Drazad isn't confused on how far along your training is."

"No problem with me Master Wamo, it's all to help the kid," I let the unspoken 'And for you' hang in the air as I looked straight into her eyes. She must have gotten the message though because I saw her eyebrows rise slightly.

"Yes, of course."

"Well then let me ask this, what is the Force?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "That's an easy one. The Force is this," I raised my hand to concentrate for a second and levitated a cup towards me. Before I could grab it though it was snatched out of the air by Master Wamo. The surprise on my face must have been obvious for once because she had a knowing smile on hers.

"You are correct to a certain degree, but you are also wrong."

Now the surprise was very obvious on my face.

"You may want to run that by me again because I'm pretty sure I have a good grasp on what the Force is. I just used it, and you've seen me use the Dark Side before."

"I think you're getting the wrong idea here. You know how to use the Force yes. How to call upon it and do things when you want to. And yes the Dark Side seems to be your ally.....which is still, uh, different for some of us. But what I asked you was what IS the Force, not what DOES the Force do."

She handed the cup to me then and let me take a moment to think about it. I looked at the cup that I had in my hands, the way it was brought to me, me willing it to move. Every time I've done these things and more.

"I don't know. I've never been asked that question before."

"I don't know who taught you Zavart but that should have been one of the first things you are taught. Speaking of which who did teach you?"

"That's not important right now. We're focusing on helping the kid make a decision right?"

Master Wamo gave me a look, a look we both knew what it meant but it seemed she would drop it for now.

"You are correct on that. Let me get back on track then. The Force is what gives a Jedi....and by extension Sith their powers. It's an energy field created by all living things. It's ever present and ties us all together in one way or another. We live with it in a symbiotic relationship. The Force cannot survive without living beings, and we cannot survive without the Force. Yes," here she held up her hand, stopping me before I could ask the obvious question. "There are those that are Force-sensitive but cannot train further in its secrets and there are many who are not Force-sensitive at all and will never be able to use it. They are still connected to the Force regardless, and by extension we are connected to them."

"Now, close your eyes."

I arched an eyebrow. I knew we were more okay with each other than Master Shaddoc and I but that was a little far given everything that's happened.

"This is training Zavart, nothing malicious or untoward will happen to you. You have my word."

It took me a few more moments to really believe her and she waited patiently the whole time. I finally closed my eyes then after deciding that I could trust her, at least this much.

"Now, reach out with your feelings, your senses. You've already used the Force before so this shouldn't be hard but I don't want you to move anything. But, try to feel what's around you, what your instincts tell you is there. Describe it to me."

I did as she asked, taking a few deep breaths and then reaching out as she said. Immediately it felt like something new opened up in my chest and I could see again. It was like a Sun had imploded inside of me and I was filled up with warmth and euphoria. I pulled back from it right away.

My eyes snapped open and I took a gulping breath, I was being suffocated.

"Breathe Zavart! Zavart just breathe!" Master Wamo had her hands on my face and was trying to bring me back. From where I didn't know or care.

"WHAT WAS THAT!! WHAT-WHAT WAS THAT!!"

"ZAVART JUST RELAX! BREATHE!!"

I took in a shuddering breath but it didn't help. Nothing was helping and I was slowly starting to lose consciousness. The voice came back to me, the one I hear every night, the one I can never forget—

Suddenly water was splashed onto me and I took another shuddering breathe. This time I sucked it in and I could feel it bringing me back to reality. I took a couple more and coughed, not really needing to clear my lungs but for some reason I needed to. I could hear my hear thumping in my ears and I grasped my biceps to make sure I was tethered to the here and now. It took me some time but I realized I felt hands on my face and was able to focus on what was in front of me.

Master Wamo kneeled there with her eyes closed and her forehead almost touching mine. It took me a moment to feel what I thought was water but was her Force signature wrapping around me and embracing me in her Light Side of the Force. I tried recoil from it on instinct but she held fast and kept me in place. Very slowly I was able to calm down more and grow....I wouldn't say accustomed but slightly okay with what she was doing. When she could tell I was doing better and could control myself she moved back slightly and looked into my eyes.

I didn't know what I looked like. Maybe a caged animal that's used to being free, maybe an insane person that will attack anyone. I didn't want to know.

"Was that the first time you accessed the Force?" she whispered gently to me.

"The Dark Side is the Force. It sustains me and is all I need," the words tumbled out of my mouth automatically. Drilled into me after many lessons.

She shook her head, "The Dark Side is just one aspect of the Force, one side of it. The actual Force, the True Force, is more than that. I apologize for not knowing you've never connected with it before now, the experience seems like it's....uncomfortable after a certain period of time."

I pursed my lips at her attempt to downplay what happened. "That would be an understatement."

Her forehead creased in worry, "Will you be alright?"

"That depends on the definition we both have of being alright. But for right now....let me just get some space."

She understood and started to move backwards, which was perfect timing for Master Shaddoc to burst into the common area. He took the whole area in at a glance and then his gaze darkened as he focused in on us.

"What just happened?" If I wasn't absolutely sure he knew I wasn't the Sith Lord that just destroyed his Temple, and his Order had been looking for I would think his question was more of an order. An order to tell the truth or die.

...luckily I was absolutely sure about all that.

"We were showing Drazad a lesson in the Force to see if it would help him choose if he'd like to continue on the path of being a Jedi, considering what's happened in the galaxy. Unfortunately when I led Zavart in the exercise it had...unforeseen complications. Something we'll revisit at a later date it seems..."

Things got real quiet then since I wasn't really keen on giving her an answer right there and no one else talked right away. I was kind of expecting Master Shaddoc to flip out, a Jedi teaching a Sith the ways of the Force, that was just prime material for a rant.

"I understand. Sorry to disturb you."

What?

Master Shaddoc promptly turned around and disappeared so suddenly that I almost thought I was still in my fever dream(or whatever that was). I turned to Master Wamo but she had the same look of surprise as well and faced me, apparently to make sure what she just saw actually happened too. We both looked at each other for a moment taking it all in.

"Yeah I think that's enough for me. I have no idea how much time we have left before we get to where we're going but I'm going to spend it in my room, away from everyone," I got up from my seat and stood next to the kid. Before he could flinch away from me I laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't think my experience with the Force is going to be like yours. Trust me, our trainings aren't going to be the same and you'll have a better teacher than I did. Just still keep an open mind with it all."

And with that I went my separate way and left the common area. When I knew they couldn't see me anymore I grabbed my left arm and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want the kid to see me but I had been in excruciating pain since coming back to this reality or from wherever I had gone to. Something about touching the Force like I had done had almost physically hurt me and now all I had was ghost-pain. I didn't know what it meant but I struggled back to my room and promptly fell onto my bunk in the wall and passed out.

I didn't know what my dreams were, nothing was clear to see and I couldn't remember anything about them. I don't know how long I was really out for but I woke up to the Captain making a ship wide announcement.

"Everyone heads up, we've arrived at....Naboo?? Why the kriff were we heading to Naboo?"