Bam's Past

Bam groaned in exasperation as he walked back to his last class. He rushed in order to move himself away from the public eye, but he managed to just walk right back into it.

It'd been a while since he'd been so careless, but being back on campus was a lot more stressful than he thought it would be. And he expected a lot of stress. He knew many were looking at him, hoping that he messes up in some way so they have an excuse to attack him. Even if he truly didn't have anything to gain him a guilty conscience, many thought otherwise.

As he climbed up the stairs, he thought back to how it all came to this.

He had been in a year-long relationship with a girl who ended up being his suite-mate freshman and sophomore year. Some things let to others and they started an un-labelled relationship sophomore year up until the beginning of junior year. The way they ended seemed as good as it could have gotten, but once she found out he started looking at others a month after they ended, she was livid.

Whether it was an asshole move or not, he had been tired of whatever they had before they broke up. It had taken almost an entire year for her to be ok with a label and once it reached that point, he really questioned whether he still loved her like before. Their "relationship" had been toxic throughout with Bam sacrificing much of his own mental health and time to accommodate and support her. Not that he regrets it, though, just that it hurt him deeply when his efforts were thrown back right onto his face. She blamed him and told him that she was always the one stuck trying to better him. It seems as if the efforts Bam continuously made for her were destined for nothing but pain.

Bam had also always been a relationship type of guy. Not one to delve into casual relationships like what one may call friends with benefits, he forced himself because he really fell for this girl. She was his first time and, in the end, his first love.

Like what many say, first loves end tragically and Bam's was no different. Part of him withered away when he succumbed to her advances for a night midway through junior year, even when he was in the midst of pursuing someone else. Someone who he felt was important and much-needed in his life. After that night, his ex told her friends and told his friends about how shitty of a person he is and how toxic he was to her.

Rumors ran abound and freely until Bam felt he could no longer wander campus without malicious stares gazing at him with judgement and ill-will. The girl who he thought he could fall into a healthy love with ignored him for months. His first love, the person he spent a year with as her closest friend and confidant, turned her back on him in a moment's notice. Many of his friends believed the words of others without even asking him.

And he had nothing to show for it. Except for pain and regret. What was he to do, after all? Denying the rumors or telling his truth would only enforce them and put him into the spotlight once more. So he left them be. He got through junior year. It was only after heading home for summer break that he realized how greatly he needed a break away from everything.

Nights were filled with silent tears and hours spent rethinking the past year. He started to really wonder if everything was his fault like his ex claimed.

It became a source of strength for him thinking about a certain quote that he only recently found out was from Johnny Depp.

"People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."

And oh boy did he know how true those words rang.

The guilt, regret, and sadness still remained no matter how much comfort those words brought. They marked the latter half of his junior year up until the past few days before beginning his senior year. It was only fairly recently that he was able to accept everything and move forward with a positive attitude.

Doesn't mean Bam still can't stress over being back on campus. Before there was more of a fear of being outside, but now it was more of stress and tiredness. It was easier being an inside person—that was his natural self, after all. The few friends that stayed with him were all that he needed. Although everything that happened to him hurt him, he grew as a person. He found out who were the people he could confide in and who would listen to him. He learned what it was that he needed from others and what he needed from himself.

Growth experience some would call it.

By the time Bam reached the classroom, all the feelings of the past year had surfaced as he reminisced of the past. Luckily, there wasn't another class in there at the moment. He searched around his seat, scouring the table where he thought he left it and the floor where he may have dropped it. Scratching his head in confusion, he wondered if someone else took it already.

"Hopefully no one stole it..."

He left the classroom in a sour mood as he pondered over going to Campus Safety, where they held the lost and found. Deciding that he should or else his mother won't ever forgive him for not letting her know how his first day back went, he started his trek across campus.

"Only a ten minute walk...I think. Don't panic. Just breathe." Bam whispered to himself in self-encouragement.