4 Earth? A Planet of Dirt? Yeah, no. I need a Kingly Planet.

I was leaning in the couch eating frozen grapes, lazing about watching the Television. What is the point of being a King if you cannot do what you wish?

The documentary on BBC was captivating in its implication. It was about Earth and global warming.

"August System, what is the biggest threat to Earth?" Querying the system I asked

"You, my king are the most likely threat."

I scoffed, me? Why would I sully my fists with the blood of peasants? No, no. I would never do that.

" Tell me, August System, barring me, what is the threat poised to do the most harm?"

"Climate Change, probability of all life ending on Earth, is 97%, a threat level 2 percent below the one imposed by you."

"Climate Change? You mean the Chinese right? Global warming is a Chinese hoax." I ask unsure of which reality I exist on currently- no I was not unsure about this - a king knows everything after all.

" Climate Change. The process in which the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will reach a limit and the first domino will fall, whereupon the chain reactions will lead to extinction of all current life on Earth within 300 years."

"Pfft, that is a bummer, ain't it System?" I reply aimlessly switching channels with the remote.

"Indeed. Humanity in their arrogance will end themselves, their actions will result in the ice present in the north pole and south pole to melt. Ice reflects 80 percent of all sun rays while water absorbs 90% of them. The decreased mass of ice will result in higher temperatures both through their inability to reflect the same amount of heat and that the amount of sea and thereby their ability to absorb heat increase."

"Yikes, sounds like it is going to get pretty hot, I mean I guess that's obvious - I am on this planet after all hahaha" Yes. I laughed at my own joke.

"As you say. The increased temperatures will affect the oceans ability to hold carbon dioxide which will lead to more being in the atmosphere, further quickening the process - this is the domino effect, later dominios include facts like the trees will die in increased temperatures, further unleashing more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and permafrost that has trapped methane gas will melt and release it into the atmosphere."

"Conclusion: barring intervention from my August System and therefore your stately self, Earth will be a hothouse. Humans are functionally extinct presently. Just unaware of their pending doom." The system replied.

"Wait, say that again." I commanded

"Conclusio-"

"No. I meant "Earth will be a hothouse"; Earth. Earth. Earth." I said slamming my remote into the television, destroying the remote and cracking the screen.

"Why do I live on Earth? Earth means dirt. You think I should live on Planet that essentially is called Planet Dirt? No. That's not acceptable. My August self needs a stately planet to do kingly things with."

Jolting up like a swordfish I ran up towards my room, jumping on my computer. Quickly I opened the mail service, having the computer compile emails to all the various companies that wanted to contact me. Loading up the complete software into each mail, I wrote, that I would lock the software - if the payment is not received. All those billions of dollars that they would pay me? I'd told to computer to arrange for them to be sent to a newly created Organization.

A organization that I just created, as I pressed enter, sending all those emails away. The mission of the organization was to create a massive treefort. This bad boy would be enormous, can you imagine it's glory? A multi-billion treehouse available to the public for a sum of 1337 dollars per week, hahaha. They will think me mad! Jokes are on them. Fucking monkeys deserve a tree house on this dirt planet. Me?

My August Self is going off into space, as I said, I can't live on this common planet. I heard that on Juptier it rains Diamonds. That's more like it. I want a huge planet that is one big diamond. I have it all planned, I'll name myself 1 Diamond, and I'll be the hottest rapper on the planet, the only one too, but that's unimportant.

"Extinction? Well, I am leaving now, there. I solved global warming for you. You are welcome Earth."

I rushed down the stairs. Putting on my jacket and beanie and knitted gloves, putting an extra spare glove in my pocket - can't get those ears, nor hands cold after all, I've heard space is cold. Waving to my mom who stood looking at me from the kitchen.

"Where are you going and for that matter why are you wearing winter clothes? It's summer, for Gods sake!"

"I'm off to space, mom, but I don't want to freeze up there."

I saw my mom blink very slowly. " You doing drugs?" she asked me.

"Me, drugs? Hahaha you sooo funny, mom. I am the drug. People who gaze upon my perfection experience the highest pleasure known to man, for to gaze at me is to gaze at perfection."

My mom glanced at the clock, shrugging her shoulders. " Alright, little astronaut. Bring some souvenirs for me will you?" she said ruffling my hair.

See? I have the best mom. Why? Because I'm that stately - the best is reserved for me only.

"All the souvenirs!" I said to my mom in agreement as I ran out the door focused on thinking of the next step of my plan.

So busy with plotting and think was I that the sheer heat produced by my marvelous brain raised average global temperature by 1 degree - all in all, I totally missed my mothers last words.

"11.40 AM, I guess it's okay to drink before twelve some days, right?"

////

I stood at the nearby shore huffing and panting, cycling all the way here? Not a good idea. Doing it in winter clothes? Not the brightest of plans, I admitted staring up at the sun above. The outside world disappeared as I entered my mind, intent on creating a spaceship.

"Why is he wearing winter clothes?"

I needed something stately, a vessel that projected elegance and wealth. I need a ship that represented me on a material level, an aspect of me, however inaccurate it might be, after all nothing can reach the same perfection as me. I needed a ship that connected with me and it was then the concepts came to me.

Gold. Big. Big. Big. Compensating. Gold. Shiny Gold. Power. Strength. Brutality. Statehood. Royalty.

There it appeared, the vessel that connected to me on a fundamental level - a ship that screamed one word for the entire universe to hear: IMPERIALISM. A ship that represented, bow to my might or be disassembled into your molecular components and be recycled into an object loyal to the state.

"Why, you looking at me? You think I know why some weird kid is wearing winter clothes? The bugger is probably fat and ashamed, who knows? Kids might as well be aliens nowadays"

The ship was beautiful, 12 kilometers in lenght, 4 in width and 3 in height. With an exterior that was plated in a solid meter of gold it shined enough for my liking, it also had the option for extra polishing which doubled the shine. Without hesitation I added that option. The design was incarnate an entire planets citizen could spend their life working attempting to imitate the lavish art inscribed upon it's surface and they would not even finish half.

Lavish. Luxury. Did not come close to describing this ship. I'd need to invent new words to describe the ship. I mean hell, It had a 300 meter waterfall inside it. Who the fuck puts a waterfall in spaceship?There were various other insane features that made me doubt the sanity of whoever designed it. It's almost like an Almighty Emperor said, "Take my palace and put in into a spaceship". Further the sheer lethality of it was mind boggling, on its surface existed a few guns which barrels were one kilometer in length. The weapons on this badboy was what the gun was to wooden sticks, if the gun in this scenario was nuclear warheads.

The best part? It was all mine. Scrolling past it all, technical information? Pfft. I'll do that tomorrow. That's the gentleman's way of saying they will never do it, by the way.

Whatever. Opening my eyes, I looked back at the street. There six houses away was my house. Bowing to it in respect for all the good memories. I promise myself to visit in the future and deliver my mother the souvenirs.

Closing my eyes again, I signed the document the System provided me, apparently I needed to sign this to be allowed to summon the ship? Eitherway I stretched my hand out and willed it into existence.

Looking ahead, I saw absolutely nothing.

"What?" Scratching my head, I stretched out my hand again, willing it into existence once more. Nada. Absolutely nothing. Shaking my hand,as it dangled in the air through my motions like a sausage. I screamed internally, why won't you work?

"Ah, most men have problems with that later." I heard the system sarcastically reply.

"Huh? What you mean System? Wait, whatever. Where is my ship?"

"Your hand is pointing towards the sea. You summoned it into existence underneath the water.Two of them I might add."

"What? Two of them? I don't need two of them. Dismiss one of them." I said mentally as I leaped across the wooden fence in front of me, the one meant to prevent "accidents" and with a running start leaped into the sea dozens of meters below.

Let me tell you, even with my winter clothes, it was cold. It was not my best idea either, but hey? It worked right. Ok. It didn't. I got deported into the ship by some machine called " Imperial Lazimans Teleportion Machine". On the plus side, I no longer have to move. Great right? I totally said it. Kings don't move. They command and the world moves around them.

Whatever. Giving the command to the ship I could feel it come alive below me. Engines thrumming, power being diverted to distant systems as It pressed upwards against the tons of seawater above, piercing through and soaring to the space and beyond."

"Final Frontier" my ass, I said glancing about. Once you get into space there is just more space! More like "The Infinite Frontier". I mean what can I expect comparing my divine intellect to that of peasants. Further who said space was cold? It's really warm here I said as I chucked away my clothes. I eyed the third glove I'd brought with me as it lay there on the ground, having fallen out of the jackets pocket when I threw it. I guess I didn't need it.