Unwanted Tithings

Though I knew the person was speaking, their words felt like they were echoing down a loud tunnel and were concluding together to make static noise.

"...Wanted to be... first... you..." The words were blotted out by the hammering of my own heart muting the words- not that I needed to listen in order o know what my coworker was going to say. My mind was blanking as the words sifted through the speaker of my phone and tickled the cartilage in my ear; and as if my mind was a scratched CD, my thoughts were freezing and staggering from one sentiment to the next- all while my heart was steadily dropping itself to the floor.

Is it just me, or does their voice sound slightly... bitter? Is it just me...

Shaking my head, I refused to believe that something like that was already happening.

Letting a business smile pull at my lips and teeter into my voice, I kindly thanked my coworker for his congratulations; preparing the cordial sign-off before a thought came to mind.

"Mr. Hyun, if you don't mind me asking, where did you hear the news?" The words came out sweetly, but in my jaw they were staining my teeth and rotting my gums. For a moment, the sound on the other end of the phone rustled before a slightly nervous laugh came to me titteringly.

"Ah... were you not aware of the post your father put on Facebook?"

"..."

It felt as if time had slowed as I drew my hand away from my ear and found my fingers moving on their own to the blue app on my home screen. I don't know why, but when I tapped on his profile, I was hoping I wouldn't see anything.

But, there in his most recent posts, was a familiar sheet of paper with my diagnosis from the hospital- the caption and comments feeling as if they were clawing themselves through the screen and tattooing their bodies into my skin.

"So proud of my daughter! Can't say I'm surprised though!"

"Wow! That explains it! So happy for your daughter!"

"Aren't the doctors curious as to why she manifested so late? Must be a blessing!"

"No wonder your daughter is such a hard worker- it's in her blood!

"She must get her character from you Mr.Yanaka!"

"Ahh..." The sound weakly limped through my lips, in disbelief. If it were but a few hours ago, I would be swimming with delight in those praises- soaking them into my skin like a ray of the warmest sunlight. Now, however, that hollow feeling billowed and swelled within my entire body- from the cold bones in my spine all the way to the tips of my fingers. So much... adoration. It was a strange thing to taste all that I had ever wanted so fully; so richly and lavishly upon my tongue in generous proportions... but, more than anything, it burned.

"Were these words always so... easy for people? Was there really this invisible pool of pride lingering in a place which would have never been within my reach had I not manifested?" The sickly voice in my mind spat these words, and with it- I could feel the hollowness within my body contort and coil painfully, as if my own organs were being twisted and bent- like the image of my existence was being slowly covered up, one comment at a time.

"Be wary Mr. Yanaka!" The most recent comment started. "I'm sure marriage proposals will be flooding in now that there's a new successful alpha in town! I wouldn't be surprised if you were posting pictures of your grandkids in the next year!! Sending my congrats and well wishes."

I hadn't realized it, but my hand hesitantly tugged at the belt loop on the hip of my pants, growing both deathly afraid and curious. If I was really an alpha now, that would mean... Shaking my head, I instead took a deep breath and turned off my phone before setting it down on the counter; too tired to care if I had hung up on my coworker or not. Rapidly blinking my eyes, I batted away the swarm of anxiety gathering around me and instead turned back to my guest, trying my best to seem only a fraction of how put together I yearned to be.

"I'm sorry, let's get back to our introductions- shall we?"

"Are you sure you're alright?" That magical voice asked me, my lungs bursting into flames which I gracefully ignored.

"I'm fine." I... feel horrible.

Returning from the chaos of my mind, I let out a strained laugh as if this was all some karmic joke- or better yet, some strange, vivid nightmare. I could picture it- some ghost from the ancient past giving me my most craved desire, only to twist it somehow where it becomes my worst fear instead. It was quite poetic, in a way.

"I'm fine." I repeated, a collected inhale serving as my proof. Looking up, he seemed doubtful but respectfully bowed his head.

"Then I'll introduce myself. I'm Noel Auclair, thank you once again for helping me."

"Of course, Mr. Auclair."

Offering him a genuine smile, I gratefully used him as a distraction as I set to laying out a futon onto the floor and setting it up with fresh pillows and sheets, blissfully remaining ignorant to my palms which itched to take my phone and read more comments even though it wouldn't make me feel any better.

"Miss Yanaka?" Jerking my head back to the present, I hadn't realized that I had been staring in the direction of my phone before I chuckled embarrassingly.

"I apologize. Well! Your bed for the night is all made up. I'll be sleeping in tomorrow so feel free to help yourself to food in the fridge if you get hungry."

He opened his mouth in thanks before pausing, the fingers of his hands twitching slightly as if they were connected to his thoughts.

"I..." Closing his mouth once more, he bit his lip before risking a peek at me through his long, beautiful lashes- the more childish, 'primal' part of my newly acquired mind once again mesmerized. For the smallest flicker of a moment, something in the deepest pit of my stomach let out a destructive spark- the following electric shock up my spine enough for me to consciously put more distance between us.

"Though I appreciate your concern, Mr. Auclair," I interrupted his words- which, though unspoken, were poetically written in the very crease of his brow and bend of his lip. "But, I really am fine. And if I'm ever not, I will be."

His twitching fingers stilled, and while we talked as equals, I could feel my words drawing a thin line between us, the thoughts within my eyes flashing him a simple warning: Do not pity me.

It felt contradicting; my opinions on my perception constantly altering with each second- but most of all, I still could not afford to be weak: not as a beta, and not now.

With those words, Mr. Auclair nodded before we shared 'goodnights' and blissfully ignored both of our individual wounds.