17 "Together"

(Warning: Contains mentions of depression, suicide. The topics discussed in this chapter may be heavy to some readers, so please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by any means, or get triggered. You have been warned.)

Carter’s POV:

As if I cared. As if I fucking cared about anything. I couldn’t break myself enough to scream and shout. I couldn’t put my words into sentences and finish them.

I couldn’t stop wasting my time on thoughts as wanting to disappear into the darkness. I didn’t want to waste their time by having to explain to everyone that I was just “tired”, when my head was rushing with thoughts of it. The thoughts of putting an end to all. An end to all of it, and I didn’t bring myself to it, because I was maybe a coward.

Everyone telling me all that shit, that I’ll get through it. They weren’t the ones that carried the hard lump in their throat, too hard to swallow. And the one that hurt to think about every time I did. Maybe I just didn’t feel like it would be enough. Maybe I wasn’t enough.

The sore throat and the palms of my hands, every time I pressed my palms on my hot cheeks and felt the warm tears coat my already heat-up cheeks, felt so pathetically pleasing. Because I didn’t know what it felt like to have it happy. I didn’t know what it felt like to be appreciated. And the thought of me finally feeling alright again felt so hard to reach. So impossible.

Like I just wanted to dig deeper within myself, search for it. But I didn’t.

I wanted to fall behind all things, and just shut it out. Shut me out, shut all of them out. I thought everyone just hated me. I thought everyone just bared through me because they had no choice. And I felt so shitty about it.

Because I knew it was all my fault. I knew it was all my fault that I got it so deep under my skin I can’t pull myself out.

He rested his arm around my shoulder.

Please, don’t leave me again. I don’t want to sleep over like that again. I promise I’ll try. I promise I’ll be there for you. And I promise I’ll be there next time for your graduation.

I woke up.

Shit. They’ll scold me for sleeping too much. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and I sighed. I leaned by my elbows, and let out a deep sigh. I got up, grabbing my clothes. I combed my hair out, and I walked out.

I kept silent. I kept my head down low, I didn’t speak. I didn’t want to speak. I was scared. They could hurt me for something. I had to run away, or blow this fucking place up.

I’d rather blow this place up with a smile than suffer behind these walls. It was shit in here. I wish I was with you again. With you Alec, enjoying the first snow in years, or with you Amira, sitting on the swing, talking about what we wanted to study, who to be.

Sadly, none of us got where we planned. It all crumbled into pieces, into dust like a dead flower. The one we all grew inside of us, the one that just died out when we lost it all.

I lost my dreams. I lost my will, my hope. I lost everything I longed for. But, this made me meet you. Realize, that you make me happy. But yet again, lost you. Like I lost everyone.

Life is all about pain, and it hurts that you keep on losing and losing and winding it up. Winding all these feelings inside of your head, and shutting it all out. Pretending. Pretending, acting. And just causing harm to yourself with it.

I walked past the window, I saw a young man sitting outside, he was sitting on the edge. I was about to ignore it, but he seemed to just sit there. Just sit there, he held rocks in his hand, throwing them over the edge. I stopped. I looked at him.

The desperation of closure brings all of us here. We turn violent. We turn for things such as hurting ourselves and others inside as closure. Because there’s nothing comforting, there’s nothing left to love in here. At this time, at this age.

I love you, but then I can’t.

I can’t love you. I can’t, I can’t make you happy. I can’t give you the closure you need. Everyone needs. And then again, that’s the dark side of the apocalypse. We’re all so lonely, we’re all so stranded in this desert. We all feel so alone even in a group of people.

He glanced at me. He put down the rocks. I looked away, startled, he caught me staring at him. He walked inside, and I kept walking. I heard his loud footsteps behind me, and I just kept walking. There were no glances, no exchanges of a single word.

“I know who you are.” He said, and I stopped in my tracks.

You don’t know me.

I kept walking, he grabbed my arm. I turned, and he looked at me. The moment of silence stood in between the two of us.

“Come on. Want to get some tea with me?” He asked. The young man stood with his arms stuffed into his pockets, the gloomy presence of his made me uneasy.

“Maybe I’ll pass,” I asked, my tone was dry and cold. I wanted to keep it clear that I didn’t want to be friendly. I wasn’t going to.

“Please?” He asked. His voice, however, sounded so calm and collected. The way he spoke felt like a soft lullaby.

Just with no words.

I lowered my gaze to the ground for a second. I stared at the ground, thinking. How could I ever trust a random man, who approached me? He might hurt me. He might not be a good person.

I haltingly looked up. “Fine,” I answered, and he gave me a small smile. He turned his back to me, and started walking down the hall, I followed in silence. It didn’t mean I trusted this man whatsoever. But a cup of tea won’t hurt.

We sat in silence. He was sipping from his cup, and I held mine in the palms of my hands. It felt warm, warming up my hands that felt a little cold. The room was quite chill to sit in. It was quite a chill room, it wasn’t cold, but it didn’t feel warm. Like this bit of chillness, you never knew existed.

“What’s your name?” I asked, I was looking at the sugar cube melt, it floated in the bottom, the other one on the surface. I pushed the teaspoon so the sugar cube would sink to the bottom, but it only came up.

“Oh. Dimir.” He looked up too, his eyes shined.

Dimir.. Dimir. It feels like I’ve heard his name before. I’ve heard him and he feels too familiar. But he’s a stranger. Maybe I’m just going crazy.

“And you’re Carter. Carter Miles.” He said, just as I wanted to introduce myself.

I threw in a small nod, in agreement that he got it correct.

“How do you know me?” I asked, curious. Not many people know me. I wasn’t famous for anything. I was just a hurt newbie they found by the ruins of the Freaks Clan.

“I just do.” He answered, he put down his cup, it was empty.

He looked up at me. I kept silent. I was confused. Who was this man? What were his intentions? What did he want? Why was he here?

“Have a nice day, Carter.” He gave me a smile, and he got up. I saw the string of heat rise from the empty cup, it was still very warm. I kept silent.

He was weird. How did he know me? How did he know me at all? I didn’t know him. I didn’t recognize him.

Who are you?

Alexander’s POV:

Felix rested his head on the cold concrete, we all sat there, panting. We ran, it started raining, and it rained heavily. We hid from the rain, to not get soaked and freeze over in the night.

He glanced at me, and I glanced at him.

We were stuck together, in a desert after all. He smiled and started chuckling. His chuckles turned into laughs.

“We almost fucking died! HAH!” He couldn’t help but find the whole thing hilarious, but so did the others. They laughed along, all of us escaped by inches after all.

I cracked a smile too. I didn’t know if it was okay to smile, I mean we ran and we barely got out. I guess, we did after all. All of us were safe and very much alive, and laughing about it just made the situation better.

He glanced at me again. Our eyes met. He cracked a smile, nudging me by my arm.

“Sleep well, everyone.” He got up, he grabbed his bag, still a smile on his face. He walked further away, disappearing behind the wall.

“Good night,” I muttered. I closed my eyes.