46 Gratitude (Part 7)

--Fang Bingxu, will you marry me...

The sweet voice containing powerful words exited from the lips of a guardian angel. Held bound to earth by her one true love. Forever by her side, loving for her side, fighting for her side, crying for her side, healing for her side

Once and forevermore...

{I wish... I had said those words...}

Never to be...

Ben Li, having spoken such audacity unprecedented bordering the realm of common sense, had awoken into his true senses. One where he, in his visual field, a picture of hell and anger forsaken by the heavens was vividly seen.

Time it took, but he nonetheless took his consciousness to infuse into the current reality. His thoughts stumbling in disorder were back on their feet. And the feeling gave him a sense of unknown but genuine comfort.

His right hand held bound on the hilt of the sword since the very beginning, was fading in strength as the fingers unfurled from the metal. But a slight hesitation crossed Ben Li's mind in an instant and resulted him to grip the sword with strength again. The grip as if he was holding in a storm, Ben Li, without resistance, let the memories flow deeply into his mind that had a heart.

Memories, whatever they were, were embraced wholeheartedly by him with the grace akin to a parent.

Happiness, despair, tragedy, regret, sorrow, joy, envy, fulfillment, love, hate, sadness, disappointment...

She, what a pitiful child was she?

Compared to others far beneath her bearing, she is indeed blessed with a master who cared for her. But deep within, she wanted to be pitiful.

Heavy were the constant emotions she bore as the man bearing great expectations. Her friends, her comrades, her enemies, her love, all of them which wanted great results from her.

Yes, all her life she could see it in their eyes. That which reflected her, as a man, burned in a glowing halo, a halo radiating hope and glory. One day expecting everything to fall onto that man's shoulders.

She couldn't bare such eyes. She detested such eyes. Why hope for me? Why trust me? Why leave the rest to me?

What do you see in me?

She omitted to inquire, fearing that those eyes might change to disgust.

Yes, fear. She had such emotions. After all, she was born a mortal. Deities had only carved a curse on her to be everything beautiful but despair.

Yet, with that fear, she clung with it. Hoping it that fear won't fade away, where she will survive with it. Fear was her last resort. A weapon of choice.

Weapon? Perhaps it is without reason why the sword of Redemption chose her life.

Redemption. An act of which to vanquish the evil in sinners.

Piercing deep into their hearts were the sin lay deep. Evil and malicious and unacceptable by the heavens. And so, with her sword, she swung redemption as if a Valkyrie.

Perhaps it is without reason why those eyes filled with expectations see her that way.

Perhaps they want redemption. In their hearts, deep as the oceans beneath, lays the sin that eroded their innocence. Perhaps they wanted her to vanquish that. And that wanted to be vanquished. That sin so deep within that she could not see. As if it would vanish before being vanquished.

However, she could not bear the expectations. She could not assure them. She could not vanquish sin.

Because she doubted, because she didn't know, because she was fearful. And she had so much to inquire.

If vanquishing sin can save them, why do they sin again?

A query she struggled with all her life. She wanted to know the truth, the answer to her struggles. But found no answer that satisfied her. But had instead realized a dreadful conclusion that shook her heart.

All of them... Were just like her.

Sinners, all of them, like me

And at last, she came to know that she has, had and will sin for all her life. That she has known she had been doing so since the very beginning.

Sin had sprouted, sin had conquered, sin had lived with her day by day noticed or not.

Sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin sin...

Is sin really all that bad?

Once again, the questions never end.

And deep down she knew that the answers will never be satisfying. The conclusion will always be made by her in the name of ending.

Sin is bad because it is good.

The conclusion had been reached and she thought nothing more of it. Then only did she spent her days cultivating redemption.

Hoping one day it might save herself...

{Love is a sin, they say. A wicked desire born from lust and greed combine. And love is unnecessary. Nothing more that burdening yourself by clinging onto tangible objects. That love is a lie, useless sentiments that betrays your heart. Love is a passion. A kindling flame that ignited everything you were meant to be. Love is kindness, love is joy, love is God. Those kinds of words were spoken to me as they all described love... How about you, oh Yama King. The abyss lord who keeps the netherworld in your heart. The most noble Emperor of the dead. What are your thoughts about love. What is love to you? How do you describe it? Can you even describe it?}

Was that a voice? Ben Li doubted his ears as listened for the source and eventually his eyes landed on the sword.

The sword spoke to me, he had such a thought.

Then, how should he respond? What words would satisfy it? Will words even communicate with it? He had these questions making him hesitant.

"..."

Why should he answer?

Then as if to search for an answer, he found out that he had no need to answer such query.

After all, he was only here to sate his curiosity. He wasn't here to answer such puzzling questions. And he got what he wanted, he got even more than what he wanted. And now he wanted more from it.

And all of it came from her.

What is he going to with her?

Apologies first, thank her second, and help her then. He instantly came with a decision.

As if to strengthen his resolve, he sucked in a deep nonexistent breath with his nonexistent lungs and sighed.

"I'm sorry. Love is a complicated emotion for me even when I'm old enough to love freely. Thus, I cannot come to an answer. Second, thank you, your memories are a great help for my cause and I will surely use them in honor of your name. You will be forever remembered in my heart."

{......}

Silence loomed quietly as nothing was heard. Perhaps that was her way of responding. Responding with indignation, scorn or perhaps had fallen deep into thought or perhaps had been to stunned to respond. But silence was silence and there was no meaning behind it.

{... Did you... Spoke those words to her?... The words... I failed to convey?}

At last, she spoke with a sorrowful voice with words expecting hope.

"Yes, I did. I did in order to end the Memory lane of Glorious Vicissitudes. In order to return here after obtaining the memento from your master and presenting it to whom it should have belonged, Yes, I spoke those words. With feelings true with its words. With resolved intentions to carry out the deed. With the desire shared by your memories, I wanted you to marry her with my actions allowing it. Because you love her. And that, Ming Jian Ming, is not a sin."

Ben Li conveyed with his heart bared spoken wholeheartedly.

What he said were all true with feelings attached. And deep down within him, he really did want her to be happy. For them to be happy.

But such a thing was not meant to be. And he sighed that such a regret had happened.

But...

"Do you not hate it?"

{... Pardon?}

"Do you not hate the man who turned you into a demon sword?"

She was silent again. She was communicating another language. With words that couldn't be heard, she omitted it with hesitation. Finally,

{I do. However, knowing deeply that my anger will only hasten my Demonification, I shall hate otherwise... Those memories, I've longed held them in my heart eternally caged even before my love... Now that I have the single most beautiful opportunity that I shan't miss, I shall offer them to you... Do you detest me, oh Yama king? Keeper of hell, do you hate that I offer you the hell that I've been through? That I, such a frail child I am, childishly thrust upon my horrors onto you, who has no connection to me other than fate? Do my expectations of you not crush you? Do you wish that you had ignored my plea?}

Her voice was tinged with self-deprecation and loneliness. Spoken out as if she was ready for a slap, a retaliation, a revenge... That did not come.

Ben Li was merely calm. Falling into contemplation under the facade. And he had no other things to think other than the emotions he held for Ming Ming.

He cannot lie that he was scornful, that he wished this girl hadn't thrust upon such expectations on him. That he wished she hadn't wished of him to avenge her once lost life as a human. That she wished to borrow his hand, and bury the forsaken man who trampled on her human dignity and values. And how she shoved her lust for blood to filth his hands.

It was vulgar of her, it was Demonic. Yet, if that be her wish, then as one who revived her kindness, her magnanimous guidance towards the Dao of Sword, it would be injustice not to comply.

"So be it." Ben Li sighed and nonexistent breath escaped his nostrils.

"Just like how you've guided me, I shall also guide you. With or without my hands, you shall be wielded to slay that motherfucker and stain your blade with his blood. I will oath this along with my soul and hope that it will give your heart a little peace for heaven... But whether or not you'll receive redemption you sought for so long... Will depend on the fated results. That, only that, I can oath. And if I was stronger in resolve, then I could have satisfied your soul completely."

Ben Li detested making such heavy promises. Especially ones that involved killing the other for the sake of another. He had no such resolve and his sentiments are too sensitive to seek blood to quell his rage.

But he had reviewed kindness, even though it came with a price. But the price will be paid. And aside from that, the culprit must die according to Justice.

Justice is but a weapon now, and now it shall be used to justify their acts. And no matter what, the crime shall not be forgiven.

Silence, it seems so beautiful when you least expect it. And how satisfying it would if it cut with a sigh reminiscent to lovely bells chiming. The voice, having presented an oath, had no other choice.

{... Thank you}

From this day onwards, they have the same foe. Harbor the same hate, live to kill the same target. You shall use me and I shall use you. A companionship established under the name of revenge.

"By the way,"

{...}

Ben Li, with his right hand gripping the sword tightly, looked at the sword with eyes that held a strong sense of curiosity. Then his eyes swept down and landed on the grotesque, bloody ground that lodged the sword in place.

A deep fissure was made in perfect size to hold the blade. Lodged halfway to display the sword with earth as the pedestal.

There, his eyes fixated do much that his gaze might burrow the ground in time. And there, he descended, his feet connected the earth, he crouched and fold his knees to reach the below. His hands outstretched had touched the ground, splayed his fingers wide and swept an area of dirt away left and right.

He not cared how foul, grotesque, and bloody had this land filth his left hand as much as how he should satiate his curiosity. All he cared was the person who layers beneath this ground as his splayed hand kept sweeping the dirt away like a tiny shovel.

At last, he felt something different. He didn't know what it was, all he knew was that it was cold. But that didn't keep him from digging until... A visage was seen.

Down below this earth where a sword was lodged was a girl buried beneath without repose.

Her visage, as it was dug to be seen, was pale from color like fading gray, her lips purple and dry without suppleness, her hair pale purple separated from liveliness, her silver eyes open wide that reflected a distant emotion. And a countenance akin to one who lost everything and had gone numb from the pinnacle of her agony.

Such a face, what a pitiful girl. Ben Li had to sympathize and scorn.

But curiosity had overwhelmed his superficial emotions, and he couldn't help but ask,

"Do you want to reincarnate as a man?"

Why was his curiosity always strange? That, Ben Li was curious as well. It seems heis curiosity always bordered the realm of nonsense. Almost as if his interests were vulgar and shameless. And he had nothing in the realms of sanity to focus on.

Silence came and gone, and the voice responded, almost a little agree, with words tinge with fury

{To ask me, a fair maiden, such that I desire to be another being I detest physically in the next life, Yama king, have you no shame? You may possess my memories and feelings, but first and foremost, I am a girl who was a maiden who became a woman. Don't you dare birth the thoughts belonging from a twit. It will only sadden me such that my companion lacks the tack to handle a maiden's heart. If you understand, then cease those thoughts this instant.}

"... Sorry. That was careless of me. Never will it happen again."

With reddened cheeks, Ben Li lowered his head in shame.

It wasn't as if he was expecting something, he was just feeling suspicious. But in the end, despite having the memories, knowledge and emotions belonging to her, a girl is still a complicated creature beyond scientific discovery.

Scratching his head to ease his mind, Ben Li stood up his posture and wondered what to do next.

Then suddenly he jerked. As if sensing something stimulating his nerves, goosebumps rose up into his spine.

Heat. It was getting hot. He focused all his senses to search for that scorching source burning him, his eyes landed on his right arm and felt the heat originating from its skin.

"--?!"

Out of the blue, flames began to engulf his whole arm. Threatening to burn him alive. A scorching heat reaching deep into his soul.

{What, what's a happening?!}

It seems he wasn't the only one panicking. Even Ming in the form of a Sword began to burn in heat. A heat so sweltering that it scalds the layer of its lustering black metal.

In the end, Ben Li was only as confused as her.