Chapter - 61 And It Ended... But With A Hope Of Brightness

Sometimes we say or heard someone saying that we got destroyed, while doing this we generally put blame on others. However, do you really believe that, others hold the power/strength to destroy or hurt us? I am assuming some you may be reciting or trying to memories any movie dialogue or may be some bookish quote to contradict me here.

If you believe others can destroy you, then you are not alone as, I also used to have such beliefs but I guess time has its own ways to teach me new concepts of reality of life.

.....

As usual I wake today with a severe headache, keeping every thought aside I get ready and leave house for the hospital. Today as I reach there, the doctor informed me that for the last week I have to do filed job where I would be as a patient, going to attend some therapy session from experts as this will help me learn better. This whole idea excited me, I am desperately waiting for this to start and as per the talks go on with the doctor, I would be leaving to the another branch of the hospital in an hour with other interns as well as some junior doctors.

After waiting for an hour, with other five girl interns plus some other junior doctors we leave for the another branch in a mini bus. The other branch is an hour away so, I plug my earphones in then start playing an instrumental music and while listening to music I start reading book which is Love Execution. Honestly, I found writing diary and reading book with the combination of listening to music as a perfect healers.

After an hour plus fifteen minutes (because of traffic) we reach the hospital, at initial step the basic introduction started, where all of us get introduced with the therapists, psychologist and other psychiatrist of the hospital, then they take us in the auditorium of the hospital for which we took escalator and they are inside the hospital only. From the moment I step in the hospital I start observing each and everything and because of this I can say that hospital is really beautiful.

However, soon we reach there in the auditorium where one of the head psychologist start explaining the importance of the therapy, purpose of it in ones life, how its been done, what we be doing for the whole week and lastly list of activities we be doing. In around almost, thirty minutes whole introductory part get over, we all move towards the canteen where we would be getting over with our brunch then they would start their first therapy session.

After twenty minutes of break we reach in theatre like room which is sound proof, it has a big screen beside the door, the chairs were set in the U form along the room so, basically it gives a huge space to people to do anything they want to do. Two of their psychologist come in front of us with bunch of papers in their hand, once they are in front of us (ten people) one of them initiated the conversation,

Psychologist (1): So everyone here is the list of the therapies that we are going to do today as well as for the whole week. But I am not going to tell you the list now because surprises should be kept hidden.

All of us: Okay

Psychologist (2): So let the fun begin. First activity would be save your balloon and burst others.

As she completed her sentence a boy come inside with ten balloons and give each of us one, with balloons in our hand we stand at some distance from others, psychologist-1 counted till three times and then the game begun. I just focus on saving my balloon but others focus on bursting of others and in that process they get their own one busted, with this only my balloon left.

After this come a writing therapy but here the catch is, every sentence of us is going to begin with "I remember... that whatever we have to write." While all of us are writing in their own sheets given by these psychologist only, I observe many of us are on the verge or crying, including me too. At the end of the activity, here psychologist told us that

"sometimes we should cry while remembering our past events, there is no harm in crying as it make you feel light and crying is not a sign of weakness"

Third therapy comes up again with the balloon but this time the goal is to keep balloon on each and every part of your body, the moment this started I am able to keep it on every part of my body except the private parts because this is making me feel uncomfortable. While doing so, two thoughts running in my mind one is that,

"what if father see this, how would he react?

something touching our private part is quite disgusting?"

just because of this I am unable to hold balloon on any of my private part for more than ten seconds. As soon as this therapy got over, psychologist told it usually done when person is suffering from PTSD or trauma related to sexual assault, harassment or any kind of abuse physical or mental.

After this come color therapy, where we have to draw and fill color in our drawings. I draw a hut near a small lake with lot of greenery around it and hills surrounding the area. However, as soon as therapy got over they individually look at our drawing and let us know the color that we choose to fill in, size of the figures of the drawing usually predict what kind of mental issue we are suffering from.

And the last one is blindfold dance, in other terms what we have to do, is to stand at a particular place then, they will switch off the lights so that no one will be able to see us and same goes to others too. After this they will play different types of music on which we have to dance but the catch is we just have to dance at our place. Once the therapy got over, this way we can release mental exhaustion and we can relax.

Around four in the evening we all got free, with a bit of homework we all leave the hospital and once I am in the sharing cab towards home, I realize that I am feeling quite relaxed and light headed as if there is no tension or burden in/on me. However, I don't know when I fall asleep as after three hours when I reach home, I heard cab driver calling me,

Driver: Ma'am!! Ma'am!! Ma'am

Once I got finally wake up I apologize to the driver, give the money then leave the cab. While I enter in the house, walk towards my room, I realized it has been may be a year or so that have slept this much peacefully. I should told this to someone right, I really want to share things with someone and deciding this I start getting fresh. As soon as I got all fresh up I moved outside towards the dining area and here in the dining area I found all of them laughing on something which is related to my brother.

And I don't know why seeing them like this, I could not tell them. May be I am afraid that, what if I say something which is related to me or share something which is mine and I become the reason of their happiness got separated from them. Just by thinking all this, I look all of them smiling/laughing together and I always wanted my family to be like this, for this I can sacrifice my happiness and peace too so, I take a deep breath and start eating my dinner.

Soon my dinner got over, like my habit I pick up the phone to text Erik but the moment I open his chat in my phone and then only I realize we are not friends anymore because I become the reason of how marital relationships got destroyed of many people. And at this time I start hearing echo voices in my head, my legs start shaking, I start breaking my nails. This time all I want to do is to hold someone but seeing no option, with shaky hands I plug my earphones in and start listening to one of Ani's favorite song.

I may have fall somewhere in the night, because next morning when I wake up I feel severe headache and cold symptoms again, I guess lot of crying and emotional imbalance making me feel these symptoms. However, keeping all this side I get up from the bed and start getting fresh, after getting ready I leave for the hospital.

Just like this whole week passes by every day I learn new things, it helped me relax my mind and while traveling back from hospital to the house I usually fall asleep which is always deep and peaceful one. I always wanted to share things which I learned with my family but I could not as I usually found them being busy. And this whole week, I am somewhat becoming a person who is fearful of what others think or say about me.

Although I used to speak less, but now it seems as if I have become silent. However, today I just have to go to hospital and collect my experience letter from their so, first I am going to collect my result from the school, then I would go to hospital. Once I get ready I leave the house, on the way Zoe and Ketty joined me as we planned on the exam day that we will collect result together. On the way to the school we start talking,

Zoe: Hey how are you doing Siya? From the face you are looking quite exhausted and tired.

Ketty: Yeah from the looks it looks like you are ill, what happened?

Siya: Hey relax guys I am fine, just a bit sold symptoms, rest everything is fine with me.

Just like this we talk for an hour till we reach the school, after reaching the school we go to examination room to know our result. After ten minutes we learn our result,

Zoe: Passed

Ketty: Passed

Siya: Failed (again with only one mark less)

And I know nothing can be done to save me from my parents and family members because when they will come know about this then they will not leave a chance to put taunt at me. However, for now I just keep a fake smile on my face, pretend as if everything is fine and look at them,

Siya: Congratulation guys

Ketty & Zoe: Thank you but you....

Siya: Chill no issue, everything will be fine. May be destiny has planned these things for me.

They don't say anything just nodded their head in understanding, together we leave the school towards our destinations . With heavy heart I reach the hospital to collect my letter and not even for a second I unplug my earphones out because I am afraid to hear the echo of voices. Before entering inside the doctors cabin, I keep earphones back in my bag and then I stand in front of the doctor to collect my letter, who without saying anything just pass me the letter.

After taking the letter I leave the hospital, took the cab towards the direction of the house. While cab start moving towards the direction of the house, I start reading the letter

"dear intern, we felt proud to have a intern like you who work hard prove her excellence to us. Not only you are hard working plus you are someone who maintained a good relation with the patients and doctor's staff also."

after reading all this a small part of me feel happy and proud at me but my inside mind mocked me, who used to be my friend sometime back. I am feeling like as if I am all alone and not even my inside voice is with me.

However, in an hour plus thirty minutes I reach home, the moment I enter in the house I got welcomed by voices of guest and I know I would be doomed surely. I tried to be as silent as possible to directly reach inside my room but before I could enter inside my room I heard my mother's voice calling my name...

Mother: Siya!!

Siya: Coming!

I followed the voice, I reach at the door of the kitchen where I found her making coffee for the guest and thankfully she is alone.

Mother: Do you pass exam?

Siya: (Hesitantly) Umm no failed the exam just because of one mark less, like before only.

Mother: (Looked at me disappointedly) Ohh, now only god can save you from, from your father's wrath. Now go to your room and try not to show me your face.

After listening to this, I directly go to my room, after changing my clothes and getting fresh I start reading the book and making the notes because I just want to pass the exam. However, not more than five minutes I lost my concentration in the studying because my mind start its over thinking,

"shit bro I again failed the exam, I think what parents told me is true, that I am a failure

what will father say to me or how will he react? what others will think about me or how would they react to this?

will I ever be able to pass the exam?

I think, I am a complete looser, someone who could not pass a exam how will s/he be able help others in healing"

unknowing to me, my leg start shaking, nail breaking started too. Just like this whole day got passed away, evening comes by and I hear father calling me,

Father: Siya!!!!!

Siya: Coming!!

Following the voice I reached at my parents room, I knock the door and hear a come in sound. As I entered in, I found him changing his formal clothes,

Father: (Still changing his clothes) Sit!!

Without saying anything I just sit down obediently.

Father: (Stern voice) You failed exam again why?

Siya: Yeah I don't know, I studied hard and write exam well but still...

Father: Stop giving excuses

Mother: (Jumped in between our conversation) I think there is some default from the school side because how can one person fail the exam twice and just with the one mark less.

Father: No there is nothing wrong from them, its just Siya's fault I don't think she is studying properly.

They argued just like this about me for like ten minutes more and here my inner voice told me "see you again become the reason they are arguing." I start repeating in mumbling voice to me,

Siya: I am sorry, I don't want to become the reason for you to argue. Please stop....

I may have repeat these words for like ten times with my leg shaking, breaking nails unknowingly. However, soon my trance break down with mothers voice,

Mother: Stop shaking your legs and breaking your nail and go start eating your food.

Without thinking twice I go to dinning hall and start eating food in speed, before parents or anybody else could there I leave the area and start moving toward the direction of my room. Once I reach inside the room, I lock the door then I take deep breaths to relax me and at this time a sudden thought pop in my mind - "what is happening to me"

For this I thought to do a research on my laptop, I worked for thirty minutes on my laptop and after that I come to a conclusion that is, I am suffering from some kind of panic attacks. However keeping all this side I pick up one of the novel, start reading it and I read the book till two in the morning but there is no sleep in my eyes. Though I am physically exhausted, but mentally I am wide awake, my thoughts and inner voices not letting me rest.

...

Just like this days turned in to weeks and weeks turned into a month, nothing changed as such except my health as, not even my mental health but physical health also start falling apart, I become silent, panic attacks become more common and cold symptoms remained all day with severe breathing issues. And seeing my physical health just fifteen days back only, father told me that we are going to visit the doctor and I nodded my head in affirmation like an obedient child.

At the clinic of the doctor I come to know that I am suffering chronic allergic bronchitis, it has no permanent treatment except medicines, whenever you will fall ill you will have asthmatic symptoms but you would be fine with some medicines as well as little bit physical exercise and lot of stress or emotional exhaustion can increase problem so, try to be happy. And after this we come back to house, here I heard another taunt from the father,

Father: Wow, I am so proud of you look you are just twenty three and have such illness, now whole life this illness would be a burden on you, who will marry you and how you will live your life healthy and fit. And you are not in such age to have a stress, I can't believe that you could have stress issues.

Though, I choose not to say anything in reply but my mind already accepted father's word as truth and here I also start believing them. After all I am a destroyer because like I destroyed everything from my friendship to my career and now I would be the destroyer of my entire life too. However, out of sudden I hear my mother's voice, my train of thoughts stopped..

Mother: Hey Siya, how are you feeling?

Siya: I am good

Mother: (Hesitantly) I want you to meet someone, who can help you to pass the exam plus be a better person because I am noticing since a month you are inside the house only, you have become silent. I don't like it. Will you meet this girl, she is a counselor and I am sure she will help you.

Siya: Umm okay.

....

....

....

THE END....