8 Chapter Eight

Matthew held his breath, trying to take in the situation he was going through. When he finally thought they were getting along he pushed him aside and told him horrible lies. He remembered the way Collin looked at him, a different look compared to the first time they first met. In his eyes, he saw a hint of sadness and what seemed to be love which confused him even more. Why would Collin have a hint of love in his eyes? Is he in love? If so with who and how does that involve me in the first place?

Time passes by, making Matthew more and more nervous, wondering what was happening. Charlie was ignoring him and avoiding him for the longest time and he felt like Collin and Charlie were hiding something very important from him. He walked to Collin's front door, having a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach but decides to go against his own will anyway. He knocks but there is no answer. Usually, he would have left but something deep inside of him really wanted to go inside.

After an internal battle within himself he walks in, he didn't feel like he was intruding since Collin said he could come in without knock, well at least he said that when they were getting along. He walked upstairs, standing behind his door. He was about to walk in but that would just be too much of an invasion of privacy, instead, he lightly knocks on the door.

"Come in Uncle Victor," Collin says with a muffled voice as a response to welcome his uncle instead of Matthew. Matthew ignores the name and walks in and sees Collin laying down with a cover covering him head to toe on his bed. Matthew hesitates, he knows he is going to have to speak some day but it still gave him a lot of nerves and butterflies in his stomach.

"Collin? It's me Matthew.... I...uh... I was hoping to maybe talk to you and straighten things out." Collin pulls on the sleeves of his hoodie to cover his hands out of habit when he feels nervous. Collin groans, frustrated with just simply hearing Matthew's voice.

"Why are you here? You know I stay inside my room all day for a reason." Collin complained as he sat up uncovering himself to look at Matthew.

"Why are you avoiding me? We were doing so well hanging out together. I actually had a great time with you and I miss hanging out with you. I even miss competing with you even though we would fight. At least then you paid attention to me and would actually acknowledge my presence."

"Look Matthew I am too busy to be thinking about competition right now. I do pay attention to you but that doesn't matter. Right now Charlie needs us the most because she is...." Collin then quickly changes his expression, like he almost said something he wasn't supposed to say.

"Charlie is what?" Matthew asks concerned for his best friend. Collin gets up walking closer to Matthew and stood by his bed next to him. "What's wrong?"

"Nevermind, forget I even mentioned Charlie, the point is that I'm too busy to be dealing with you right now."

"No, Collin you are going to tell me why Charlie needs us right now! I will not stop asking and bothering you until I know what's wrong." Collin thinks about it, whether he should say the truth or ignore Matthew but he finally gives in with the truth.

"Look, Matthew I... I didn't want you to find out like this. The truth is..." Collin looks at his feet not knowing how to say the truth.

"Collin look at me." Matthew commands and Collin slowly looks up at him with tears in his eyes. "Please Collin, tell me what's wrong." Only Collin made him feel worse, Collin then releases a tear and finally answers. His voice shaking along with his hands and knees.

"Charlie.... Charlie has terminal cancer." Collin looked down at his hand on his thighs with tears rolling down his eyes. Matthew was in shock, tears rolling down his face processing it but still in major shock. All the memories of Charlie being there for him come across his mind and pain comes quickly at the thought of her one day being gone. Collin was crying in his hands, covering his face trying to hold back a sob but it was all too much. Collin zones out, clearly forgetting about Matthew and walks towards his closet with tears still rolling down his face.

Small trigger warning ⚠️

"Collin? What are you doing?" Matthew asked confused but Collin clearly ignored him. He reached for the box and placed it on the bed where it was clearly visible what was inside to Matthew. He took the pocket knife out of the box and Matthew was shocked by everything that was inside. There was pictures of him, some that he didn't even know he took or had in the first place. He took out the pocket knife, examining its sharpness as it was laid flat on the palm of his hand while Matthew looks at Collin's expressions towards the knife.

"Collin? Why do you like knives so much?" Matthew asks with a hint of worry that what he was thinking about was true. Collin shed a tear, thinking about how much he loved the boy next to him but he knew he didn't feel the same way. "Collin? Can you please put the knife up and answer me?" Matthew asked feeling fear inside of him. Collin looked up and their eyes connected feeling desperate to sink the blade in deep in his skin. He took the knife, desperately wanting to press the blade on his thighs but really couldn't because they weren't bare.

"Matthew please leave, please leave me alone." Collin's voice cracked, sounding so desperate starting the lay the knife flat, tipping it against his thigh. That's when Matthew realized something was truly wrong and hesitates on what he should do.

"Collin do... do you... cut?" Matthew saw Collin's face and his expressions answered that question for him. He takes the knife from his with ease and sets it inside the box. Matthew looks through the box and finds the bracelet he had made from him and Charlie. He pulls it out, wrapping it around Collin's wrist.

"Collin there is no need to hurt yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Life is hard but there is other outlets, other ways you can realize your internal pain without causing you physical pain. Collin please stop, or at least try, you know Charlie wouldn't want you to do this."

"She doesn't," Collin sighs and sheds a tear falling down and landing on the small picture in his hand.

"She knows?" Collin nods, feeling disgusted with his body and actions but cutting was addictive.

"Why do you cut? Have you tried something else? Something that doesn't cause pain to replace pain?"

"I have but cutting is like a drug to me. Every time I'm in pain it cures that feeling giving me relief and letting me sleep at night. It's like alcohol to an alcoholic, a pen to a writer, color to an artist. An artist has to color too, to me, the knife is my paintbrush, my blood is the paint, and my thighs are the canvas. I create art, expressing my pain giving me that sensation I seek for as my release." Matthew stays in shock, silence filling the air along with tension and fear. Matthew wanted to say something to Collin to make him feel better but his mind was blank.

"Matthew please leave me alone, I need time to myself, time to think. It's getting dark, you should go before it gets too dark outside to see." Collin looks down at the floor, not being able to actually look at Matthew without feeling regret and sorrow. Matthew gets closer to Collin and leans in to hug him. Collin tenses up, relaxes and gives in to the warm sensation when he realizes that he is not hurting him.

"If I leave will go back to being in pain and cut?" Matthew's question came as a surprise to Collin, he hesitates and thinks Would I cut? Do I still want to cut? Collin sighed, knowing he was going to regret what he was going to say because he knows he wouldn't take it back.

"No, I won't cut once you leave, I promise." Matthew then releases Collin from his grip to look at Collin to make sure isn't lying.

"Okay, I believe you. Please get some rest, if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me or Charlie okay?" Collin nods, feeling blush wanting to crawl up his cheeks along with the butterflies in his stomach. Matthew gets up and Collin follows him as they start walking downstairs. The feeling of butterflies was not as strong anymore but they were still present making him feel overwhelmed with the emotion he despised, love.

Matthew yelled goodbye, feeling scared of leaving him alone but worried about Charlie's well being. Yes, he had planned to stay at Charlie's but since he was underaged the police arrived and made him go back to his house the next day. Since then he hadn't seen Charlie in so long and was beginning to really miss her presence and her wide, bright, beautiful smile. He was driving towards Charlie's house, all too worried to understand why his best friend was diagnosed with cancer and hidden it from him.

Matthew enters Charlie's room, feeling the tears starting to weld up threatening to escape and humiliate him. Charlie sits up in her bed, smiles and asks what was with the surprise visit. Instead of answering her he can't help but go straight to the point.

"Is it true?" Matthew walks towards Charlie with tears in his eyes hoping it was all just some sick joke. That Collin would really be the biggest jerk in the world and make such a sick prank like that but by the looks of it, it was true.

"Is what true?" Charlie asked with confusion and worry in her voice.

"Is it true that you have terminal cancer?" Charlie stays quiet, answering Matthew's question with a yes. He shakes his head feeling anger as tears start rolling down his face "Why didn't you tell me!?"