9 Chapter 9

"I didn't want you to pity me or treat me differently in any sort of way. Who told you?" Charlie whispers with sadness present in her voice.

"Collin told me. Why did you tell Collin and not me? Do you not trust me?" Matthew's voice cracked feeling his heart slowly break at the thought of his best friend not trusting him.

"I trust you but I was certain Collin wouldn't pity me so I thought it was okay to tell him. Wait... You spoke with him and had a conversation with him without arguing?" Charlie answers surprised

"Yes, but the only reason we didn't fight was that we were talking about you." Charlie nods understanding why the two weren't at each other's throats recently.

"You told me you shaved your head to donate it to cancer patients, not because you had cancer. How did I not realize it? Was I that stupid?!"

"Look Matthew you didn't notice because I have been hiding it. Hiding by wearing makeup and loose clothing. I'm so sorry I hid it and I am so sorry I didn't say it sooner. I thought I had more time like they told me but I don't have much left. I..." Charlie hesitates but goes for it, she goes into the restroom, changing into tighter clothing and taking off her makeup. She walks out and Matthew's heart drops, he couldn't stop his tears from falling even if he wanted too.

"How much time do you have left?" Matthew asks, hoping to still have enough time with his best friend but by the looks of it, she didn't have much. Charlie looks down at her feet, debating whether she should lie or say the truth. After a minute or two of thinking, she decides on saying the truth, it was going to come up sooner or later.

"I..." Charlie sighs and gathers up the courage to stop looking at her feet and look into Matthew's green eyes. "I have at most one more week to live.

"Why didn't you tell me? If you would've told me then I would've spent more time with you. Charlie, I trust you, I talk to you about everything but why should I trust you if you don't tell me." Matthew dries his tears, just tired of feeling down, and lays down on Charlie's lap.

"Look Matthew you know me more than anyone ever could and you know I don't like it when people pity me. I felt like if I told people about my situation they would only treat me nicely because I am dying. Yes, I don't want people to treat me horribly but I rather people to be honest with me than to pretend and lie straight to my face. Do you understand? Do you forgive me?" Matthew nods, half asleep but still conscious enough to understand what Charlie is saying. His eyes slowly close having one last tear stream down his face before he starts to imagine and dreams about what it would have been like if he never met Charlie.

Charlie lifts Matthew's head off his lap and gently sets it down on her bed and dials Collin's number. After a few rings, Collin picks up, clearly being able to tell he had just woken up by his frustrated hello.

"Collin, why did you tell him? I trusted you to keep this between us. He came straight to my house crying, breaking down and I was barely able to calm him down. You know he can't handle this much stress, what would've happened if I wasn't able to be there for him. Collin, you should think before you speak."

"But you see, I did. He was going to find out sooner or later, if he could barely take it now imagine how much worse he would've been if found out when you were gone. He would've found a way to blame himself for your death and would've felt like he did something wrong to lose your trust. In a way, he should find out this way, he would have been devastated if he wasn't able to say his last goodbye and tell you how much he loves you. I told him because he has the right to know. Not only is he your best friend but he is like your brother. What was I supposed to say to Matthew when you died? 'Oh yeah by the way Charlie had terminal cancer and didn't want you to know which is the reason why she died and we are here today at her funeral', no, there was no good way I could have told him once you died that would have crushed him even more and if he hates me, he would've hated me even more because I knew and didn't tell him. He would never forgive me, and your plan wanting us to become close and be friends would be down the drain. I'm sorry Charlie but if you were in my situation you would have done the same and don't you dare say you wouldn't because we both know you would"

Collin takes a pause, to see if Charlie will disagree with him but she says nothing so he continues. "Both Matthew and I love and care about you, we both have the right to care about you as you care about us. I love you Charlie and I am one hundred percent sure Matthew loves you too. We want to be here with you until your last breath and don't worry because at your funeral I will wear blue and I'll make sure Matthew wears green just like you want us to. The little things matter Charlie, every second he can spend time with you he will until you are gone so he won't feel like he could've spent more time with you. Whether you die today, die tomorrow, die in twenty years, or even forty years, he still has the right to know about your health. He cares about you Charlie, and so do I. Do you forgive me?"

Charlie sighs, "Yes Collin, I forgive you. Thank you for always being there for me and keeping me in check with my decisions. Please promise me you won't blame yourself and hurt yourself once I hang up. I love you, goodnight."

Collin whispers a goodnight, promising to not hurt himself and hangs up the phone. He was feeling anxious wanting to take a blade and press it against his skin but the sleep takes over him. It was the first time that the sleep had beaten his anxious state but the nightmares were evident.

He woke up to his uncle calling his name, grabbing both of his shoulders to shake him awake. Collin opens his eyes, he was always a morning person but waking up just seemed harder and harder to do with Matthew and Charlie on his mind.

"Wake up Collin, get ready to visit Dr. Hidalgo." Victor's voice was sweet but hearing his name caused fear inside of him.

"Please Uncle Vic, I don't want to go. If you want me to have a psychologist then fine but anyone but Christian."

Victor has a confused look, "Christian? Why do you call him by his first name? What's so wrong with having him? Did he do something wrong, did he hurt you?" Collin looked down at the floor, shaking his head, not wanting to tell his uncle what had happened.

"Well I'll think about getting you with someone different but this is for your good. You are missing school because of it, you need the advice and you are going to see Dr. Hidalgo until I can choose a better person to be your psychologist." Collin sighs, feeling nervous but does what he's told. When they reach Christian's office, Collin waves goodbye to his uncle, feeling anxiety already taking over him as he enters the office sitting down across from Christian.

Christian stands up, locks the office door, and places his hands on Collin's shoulders, leaning in and whispers "How are you doing Collin?"

"I'm fine..." Collin whispers looking down at his feet holding back his tears. He was shaking, trembling in fear

"I'm fine who?" Christian asks with anger in his voice.

Trigger warning ⚠️ might feel anger or anxiety so breathe and take a break if you need one

Collin sighs and a tear streaming down his face "I'm fine Christian." Christian mutters 'good' and grabs Collin's face forcefully and kisses him. Collin pushes him away, no words are said but Collin gets out of his chair and heads towards the door. As he is about to grab the doorknob, Christian shoves him, grabbing him by the neck, pinning him against the wall with his tight grip.

"Where do you think you are going? Common Collin, admit you are gay, and don't be embarrassed about it. Say it, say it, and meant it. Who are you and what is your sexual orientation?" Tears stream down Collin's face terrified that Christian might hurt him again.

"I'm... I'm Collin. And... I'm gay. Please, Christian, leave me alone. I don't like you, I'm in love, I admit it but it's not you, it was never you, it always was...."

"Who, who is it? Fine, you don't love me but please tell me who you love so that I can get over you faster." Christian let go of Collin's neck, you could see the red imprint of his hand from him holding it too hard and too long.

"It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't feel the same way. Why do you love me? Why me? You could've been with someone around your age but yet you pick me why?"

Christian looks at Collin's eyes, placing his hand on Collin's right check going in for a kiss. Collin moves his face, Christian placing his lips on Collin's cheek instead of his lips. Tears stream down, no words were exchanged but at the same time, it felt like a million voices were yelling at them at the top of their lungs. The silence was deadly, breaking, and scaring every part of Collin with the possibilities of what could happen next.

Yes, he was afraid, terrified of the man in front of him, but he was more afraid at the fact that he knew he was in love. Matthew's mistakes were his accuracy, his laugh was his cure, his flaws were his blessings, and his failure was his perfection. He knew that he was wrong to question Christian if any he should question himself. He didn't know that he was falling in love until it was too late to go back. He was ashamed, why?

His mother always was a very accepting person but his father wasn't. He was against same-sex love, he was against anything that 'wasn't normal'. He was raised being beaten, with his father showing him why he shouldn't love someone of the same sex yet he still fell. His father needed help, no one wanted to accept it but it was the truth. When his mother finally realized it was too late for trying to fix what was far from perfect.

Ethan was gay, he knew and saw himself as a failure. He seemed to make Collin the perfect son but the second he thought his son was like him he was full of lust. His desire wasn't normal, he hated himself more for it but couldn't help but to fall 'in love' with his perfect son. The way he turned out to be the way he wanted him to just made him crave him more. He blamed it on his wife, for giving birth to such a beautiful boy and for not satisfying his needs. He felt his wife was in the way of something that could have been more than just a father-son relationship.

Victor texted Collin, making Collin snap out of his memories and come back to reality. His text said he was waiting outside, finally, the hour, which seemed like forever, had finished, and was ready to head his way back to school. In all honesty, he was glad yet sad. He ran out if the office, getting inside the car and telling his uncle to drive. He was glad to be out but he did want to go to school. Who would want to go after such memories coming to reality before him? The only thing that kept him going was being able to see Matthew, at least from far away, and finish his art and theater project.

He entered school, just in time for art. He was glad, Wednesdays, and Thursdays they always had a slightly different schedule to help cover other classes and extracurricular activities, well at least for those who participated in a lot of activities. On Wednesdays and Thursdays if you were behind in a class or desired to have more time in some classes than others then that's what they were for. It was a strange schedule that changed every three weeks but he could handle it. He got his canvas, looking like it was all just red but to Collin, it meant more than just a color. Layer upon layer, the image he was seeking for slowly came to life.

Matthew was terrified, James just seemed to be everywhere he was, his parents still didn't believe him and disowned him for being a liar and for blaming others for his feelings. He had feelings, some which he believed held inside of him and did not have to scream them to the whole wide world. As he is about to leave he feels like he is missing something, he thinks about it, looking at what he is holding and realizes that he's missing his violin.

Matthew walks towards the music room after school, to go get his violin, he usually doesn't forget, and as he opens the door of the music room he hears a piano along with barely audible and very soft sobs. He walks closer to the person playing the piano, noticing that it's a guy, he hears him crying as he plays a very sad song he has never heard before, it was beautiful. He grabs his violin from his locker and sits on the floor, placing his violin on his lap, as he listens to the boy to play the wonderful piece of music. As the final note, if played throughout the room, the boy cries in his arms with his head down placed on the piano. Matthew sheds a few tears, feeling the pain of the piece of the poor suffering boy.

He gets up, holding his violin in his left hand, walks towards the boy. As he gets closer, Matthew finds the boy looking very familiar. As he reaches the boy he places his right hand on his left shoulder for comfort. The other boy doesn't seem to mind, actually seemed more peaceful. He takes his hand off his shoulder and instead sits on the bench next to him which is placed in front of the beautiful white piano. Instead of looking at the boy still in his arms, sobs quietly, Matthew not being good at words but does what he does best.

He takes out his violin from the old looking case because of the years but the violin looking as new as the first day he got it and starts playing his original piece called 'It's going to be okay'. He knew that he might be playing it for someone he doesn't know but he did it because he was finally done with the piece. As he starts to play you can hear the emotions, sadness at first, you can hear him getting back up, can hear the joy bit by bit showing that even though you suffer it's going to be okay. The final note plays and he puts his violin up to see the boy's reaction. The boy hugs him, hiding his face into Matthew's chest leaving him wondering, Who is he? Why won't he let me see his face?, Who caused him so much pain? Finally, the boy shows himself, Collin? Matthew questions himself.