1 A dream or a memory?

"You have to leave, now!" he said with a loud popping voice while pitching his eyes from the pain. Sadness and tears were taking over my body.

"Please,.. just go!" he tried to say but this time screaming. That was what he was hoping to sound like at least, but turned out to sound as a combination of a squeak and a loud whispering.

Holding his shaking hand, I wanted to stay with him. I couldn't leave him behind. Not while he's holding his screams back from the agony, trying not to upset me any more than I already am.

"You have to stay alive Jess, you are the only one that can stop them. Please, don't make this any harder that it already is. Let me at least do this for you." he said while blood started rushing intenser over the hand he was using to pressure against his wound.

I was physically not able to move my body let aside say a protesting word. I wanted to tell him 'No! I will never leave you behind!' But deep down even I knew that saying those words wouldn't change a thing. He was going to die. And I couldn't save him. Not without risking my own life at least. Situations involving me being in a risk were off limits.

Even though we both knew staying there with him would mean my own death; I wanted to hug him, cry on his shoulder and tell him that it's all going to be okay. But instead I blanked out. Not being able to move my body, my mouth, tears started dropping from my cheeks.

I froze like the retard I am. Not from the cold weather hitting my weak body or the sharp winds slapping my cheeks. But because I was scared, sad and angry all at the same time. I had to leave him behind, leave him to his death. That's what he was asking from me. Run away, and let him face hos death.

"Its going to be okay." he said. I managed to shift my face from upset to upset and angry at the same time. That's when I felt the anger, the rage and the sadness taking over my body, fighting for its freedom. A bright blue light started blending in my vision making my surroundings glow. But he knew better, just when he wanted to challenge against my actions, a loud banging sound interrupted our silent goodbye..

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Crying I woke up to a flash of blue light spread on my ceiling and a headache that both disappeared the a second later. "Aaa.." I started screaming with no knowledge why I was taking a dream a this serious. It's just a dream Jessica, calm down. None of that was even real. And besides, what was that glowing light even about? I don't remember having any electronics that produce such a light. Ugh whatever..

I remember the last time I woke up crying. It was nothing like this one, not even close. But those are the only times I wake up crying. And they are always about my father. I have a lot of dreams about my him. Those dreams are my only 'memories' about him. My father has died when I was still a baby. The emptiness he has left inside me is too big to fill with only dreams. I crave for a fatherly figure to care and love me.

Even though I have a step father which does 'love' me as a daughter, it never felt sincere enough for me to believe. Something always felt quite wrong with him. He's not my real father and never will be. I will always see him as my mothers boyfriend and my fathers 'friend'. Until his death at least. I don't think my father would have approved it, hell I don't approve it. But who am I to judge..

About the dream again; what I wanted to make clear was that I never woke up crying for a stranger in my dreams. That is definitely something new.. Which I'm not sure is a good or bad sign.

As if it wasn't enough waking up to a dramatic but also strange dream like this one and crying my pillows wet, a miserable feeling of sadness and anger makes it worse. My mind begins creating depressing thoughts again. How could they do this to my father.. My god, no. I have to stop this.

Jess, you can do this. You're not going back there again! You promised yourself that. You're not going to be that same depressed girl at the fancy rich school again. No, not again...

Okay, so it's a Monday. In an hour I have to be ready and leave the house to head for school. What a great way to start my day. "Ughh.. !" was the only sound I could make between sobs and tears while sitting on my bed with my arms crossed, settled on my knees and my head on top of my arms. I had to stand up and settle my complicated thoughts and feelings so I could start getting ready for school before my mom would scream her uvula out or rather text.. You'll get what I mean once I get to that part of the story.

Standing up and heading to my bathroom door I questioned how real that dream felt. Even though I couldn't remember the face of the guy who I've been with in my dream, it felt as if we had a connection. A connection I've never had wit anyone else. Not even with my father. The emotions were way too strong, so strong that I can still feel my obsession with this guy. He must've been a special person to me. Rather than a dream, it felt more like a memory.

Whatever, I have to get my shit together. I shouldn't overthink a stupid dream that ruined my day and upset myself more. I have to get ready and make sure I look 'perfect once again' as my mother says. Because today is my 18th birthday. And I can't wait to have 'fun' with my so called 'friends'. Defining friends in my life: the children of my parents' business partners.

I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long and tiring day..

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