18 Sleepless

[A heads up: Life has been a pain in the ass and thrown me off my upload schedule. Therefore, I won’t be able to upload tomorrow. I’d like to apologize for that. I’ll be back on Monday with a fresh new chapter.

Thank you guys for supporting this book.

Take care!]

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2019 ‖Eckley, CO

Sitting in the library, his eyes glued to his French folder, Cameron tries to avoid any form of communication. Kaz accepts that but lets out a small sigh from time to time.

Cameron doesn't know what to do, he's between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand, there is current time Kaz who seems to be interested in him, at least that is what he got from their conversation at the party. And Cameron would love to show him that he feels the same. But he can't. Because of the thing with Sonny.

And if that wasn't enough already, there is also future Kaz.

Well, two future Kaz'.

One of them has a girlfriend. And with the other one, he has had sex. And both times they met there was undeniable chemistry.

Cameron can't get closer to present Kaz if he has a thing with future Kaz going on because that would become very confusing very quickly.

But he also can't break up with future Kaz because...well...it's Kaz. He can't do that.

So the only option he has is to resist present Kaz.

All of that may sound pretty insane, after all, he is favoring a sort of relationship sometime in the future when he could have an actual relationship in the present. With the boy who he's been in love with for over a year now.

But what else is he supposed to do?

"Okay listen."

Kaz puts his book down and leans forward. He whispers.

"I don't get it. What's your problem? Why are you making such a drama out of the fact that Sonny and I used to hang out?"

Cameron lets out a big sigh. "I can't...I can't explain it to you."

Kaz rolls his eyes. "Maybe I should tell you what happened from my perspective. Would that help?"

Cameron isn't sure if he really wants to know more. The thought of the two being friends without him knowing hurts too much. But he is also curious to know what exactly went on between them.

It's like waiting for the doctor to tell you whether you have cancer or not. You want to know, you need to, but you also realize that what you are about to hear will probably be too much for you to handle.

"Okay." Kaz blows a curly strand of hair out of his face. His voice is low even though there are no other students around.

"It's 2018. I come to this Christian boarding school, scared shitless because surprise, I'm gay. I have a hard time making friends because I'm scared of what could happen if people find out. And then there's this boy, he keeps striking conversations with me, asks to hang out and I say yes because I need a friend. So we meet after classes, mostly playing games or just talking, listening to music, playing basketball. The usual stuff."

Kaz stops, he scratches his neck.

"We enjoyed each other's company because we were genuinely good friends. Until one day, a few weeks later, he tells me that we can't hang out anymore. He never told me why but I was heartbroken. My only friend had abandoned me. I thought it was my fault. We stopped talking."

Cameron feels a wave of empathy taking over his body. Kaz' green eyes are hidden behind a grey veil of pain.

"And then after the summer break, I see him again but what's that? There's a new student. They are apparently friends. But the new one, although he's a bit weird, god, he's sexy. Like...next level. And not just that, he seems like a nice guy as well. And boom, I can feel butterflies in my stomach, even though I barely know this guy! And then at the party, we're forced to kiss and yes, it was a bad kiss but I felt something else, something familiar."

Familiar.

"And I collect all of my inner courage to ask him how he felt about it but as soon as he finds out that I used to hang out with his friend months ago, he shuts down and stops talking to me."

Kaz falls back into his seat and crosses his arms.

In that moment Cameron wishes he could just come clean with him, tell him about last summer, and why the kiss felt familiar. And he wants to tell him about the time-traveling.

But he can't.

"Listen Kaz..."

Cameron takes a deep breath. This is probably the hardest thing he has ever had to do.

"I really like you. A lot. But there's some...stuff going on in my life. Things are very confusing and stressing me out. I can't even begin to explain how fucked up things are right now. I can't be with you. I want to get to know you better, you have to believe me, but right now I can't give you what you need. And this has nothing to do with Sonny. I'm sorry."

Kaz looks down at the table. At first, he doesn't say anything. But then his voice sounds teary.

"Is this final?"

God. If he could just get up, take him into his arms, and tell Kaz that everything is going to be okay.

"I hope that things will change."

Kaz gives him a small nod and then gets up, his face still avoiding Cameron's.

"I should leave now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cameron decided to go running to let his mind wander to other places than the craters that are ripping themselves open inside his head.

But although his body is completely exhausted after two hours, his thoughts still circle like vultures around the same damn topic.

Kaz.

Back in his room, he meets Sonny who gets up when his friend enters the room.

"You're mental, aren't you?"

Cameron doesn't reply. He takes off his sweaty shirt to change into something comfortable.

"You've been in love with him for how long? Over a year? But now you turn him down? What's wrong with you?"

"Did he come over to cry on your shoulder or what?"

Sonny grabs Cameron's shoulder and forces him to turn around.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I was in the library. I heard what you said to him."

"Ah."

Cameron pushes his hand away and grabs his jacket.

"Cam, he likes you. And you like him. Don't tell me you're ruining this just because I fucked up."

Cameron turns around and looks into his eyes.

Sonny seems tired. Angry. Desperate.

"Why did you stop talking to him?"

Sonny looks surprised and turns his head away. His voice goes quiet.

"I had to end things because I realized that it was wrong."

Cameron sighs and grabs the door handle.

"I wish you would have realized that earlier."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He had made a decision.

He can't take another dream right now, after what had just happened with Kaz and Sonny.

He'll try to not go to sleep tonight and see what happens.

Because so far he has only traveled when he was asleep.

Knowing he'd need some company he went to look for Seth, the only person left in this shit hole that he could still talk to.

And now they are outside, behind the dorms, sitting on a small stone wall, the only remains of a now unidentifiable building that probably had an actual function a few decades before.

Seth is smoking a cigarette.

"So why do you not want to sleep?"

They sit with their backs to the building, staring into the small forest. It's dark and cold. Cameron pulls his jacket tighter around his body.

"I keep having fucked up dreams. I need a break."

Seth nods.

They sit in silence and Cameron appreciates that. Seth doesn't ask annoying questions. Seth doesn't force him to explain anything. Seth's just Seth. And Cameron is just Cameron. His bad dreams are just bad dreams. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"So what's she like? Your girlfriend?"

Seth seems surprised. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know, what's her personality? How long have you guys been together? When did you meet?"

Seth raises an eyebrow. People probably don't ask him these things very often.

"She's a great person. Very empathetic. A bit anxious. We met in middle school."

Maybe Cameron is just imagining it but suddenly Seth's voice sounds softer. He blows the smoke into the night.

"It may sound really corny but I think we are meant for each other. I help her with anxiety and the bullying and she makes me a better person. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be talking to you right now."

Meant for each other. Hearing that sentence, Cameron's heart cramps together.

"That sounds great. You're lucky."

"I know."

A faint smile curls Seth's lips.

"Don't worry. You'll get there as well. I'm sure you have a bright future in front of you."

Yeah. Right.